....full circle...

Christina Georgina Rossetti. 1830–1894

Remember

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

My favourite poem, with my favourite lines:

Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.

Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

Even when I was a child, I was already fixated by the transience of a moment. Before I could savour it, it would be over and I was always too late, always rushing against time.

And when death gets too close for comfort, time always seem awfully short and I was always late.

Last day tomorrow.

It would not seem half as bad if I had not met up with my primary school friends earlier today. It turned out that Terri stayed opposite the school before she moved to the condominium nearby. On my first visit to the school to tour the premises, I saw the playground from the classroom that was to belong to my form class. It looked so familiar.

I didn't think it was the same one. The government had a tendency to build similar structures and design similar layouts everywhere. I stood there silently and gave a moment to myself. I stared out of the dusty window panes, smiled and thought to myself, "I used to while away the time at a playground so very like this one."

On the way to the appointment venue, I actually bumped into Terri, who took the bus from the city. How coincidental to be on the same bus with someone whom you are about to meet.

She called me a "Poot poot" for not recognising the place. She called me a "Poot poot" for getting the address wrong. I have apparently told her that the school was at Toh Yi Drive when it was at Toh Tuck Terrace instead. She said I could have dropped by her place for dinner in my 4 weeks there.

Somehow, realising that the playground that I thought familiar when it WAS the same playground about 10 years ago when we would hang around and get stuff from the shop during the times spent at Terri's house, came the particularly poignant bruising feeling of the heart. It feels as if I have come full circle, as though the surroundings were just waiting for me to acknowledge them, to brush off the dust of memories from them.

I felt blue. How could I have forgotten? Especially when the place had not changed. Terri said that her house had a blue roof. I shall watch out for it tomorrow, on my last day.

How funny, to discover the connection on my second last day.

Our white skirts would billow in the wind as we traverse the path. Tinkling on the piano, having lunch at her place, eating ice-creams at the playground, the leaves would sway with a gentle rustle.

At the bus stop on that last day of school, our voices broke saying goodbye when our buses came. Our first encounter with change.

Being trapped in the past is terrible. However, to realise how much I have forgotten makes me feel so sad.

And yet, I know when I walk the path tomorrow on the last day of school, pausing in my path, half-turn to go and yet turning stay, tied between my desire to move forth and stay with the familiar, and wondering how much I would remember, and wondering how much of my heart I would leave behind, I know the same trees will rustle in the breeze and tell me that better by far I should forget and smile than that I should remember and be sad.

10 years.

Full circle.

10 years later, would I pass by again?