Tuesday, January 4, 2011

2010 to 2011: Taking stock of life

It's 2011.

Someone told me that she thought I was a scatterbrain in 2010.

I do agree.

Looking back, I was lost in the hazy mists of 2010. It was a little dreary and I can't really recall what happened. That could be also due to the minimal blogging I have done in recent years.

With work, things were not exactly rosy. People gave each other a hard time and I can never understand why it must be so but it is depressing. I suppose I was on the tip of breaking down and maybe I did but as with many things, I am always late when it comes to realisation.

With relationships, halfway through the year, I opened up to new people because they were easier to hang around with. Not that I didn't love the old but the pretense of keeping up, pretending that everything was fine was getting too much so I closed up. Even then, there are always people who are more understanding so I guess I drifted away from others and give thanks for people who are still there when I finally learnt to make my way back.

We all mature at different speed and undergo different experiences at different life stages. If anything else, I never thought it was possible to feel even older than I thought I did with some of my friends but 2010 has been a dark awakening somehow even if it a little misty. With some people, I feel that I have aged even faster than I thought possible.

Feeling that way is a little scary because how much more idealism and innocence can I still afford to lose? But I was recently asked what I would have changed in my life and I realise that there is nothing I would change. Every little experience has shaped and moulded me into who I am today. Sometimes I do wish I was different and a little easier on myself but if I can't then I can only love myself. I can't choose where I was born nor my family nor the era and every little aspect which has shaped my youth has shaped my choices and affected my experience in life's journey since. I still buy the theory that even if I were to go back in time, with all my imperfect knowledge and character, I would still have made the same choices. Hindsight is always perfect. Yet I can't see how I would have turned out if I had chosen differently or changed certain experiences and that being the case, I can only choose to love myself for who I am today. I may not be satisfied with the person I am but I will indeed try to love myself, even if I had lost a great deal of innocence and idealism.

Someone told me I reminded him of soldiers who undertake increasingly dangerous missions in hope of killing themselves. It jolted me awake because I didn't think that it was that obvious but for a while I did feel like I was going on a nuclear implosion where I didn't mind if anything and everything was obliterated. Looking back now, even I find myself a little scary.

2010 was also a year of new things. I did scuba diving alone and went to Shanghai and Hangzhou alone. There were people there but crossing paths is not exactly the same as heading there alone, isn't it? I found comfort in solace and it is where I return to when I need it. I've learnt to do many more things alone. It wasn't something I had set out to accomplish but much like being able to find pleasure in reading, I am glad that I can.

Despite many ugly incidents and ugly people encountered and where I could have been even more screwed up but am not, for that I give thanks and still believe that someone must have been watching out for me.

What's in for 2011?

I am hoping for Bali in March and Tibet in June. I will try to take better care of myself in every way, hoping to run again, do more music and reconstruct my social life as well as push myself more. I will try to blog more. It is a good way to document, remember and learn. I will try to live more. I have been trying but in actual fact, for quite some time, I was trying to keep my head above water more than really enjoying living. And so I will try to do more swimming especially since I can barely do a lap and hopefully learn how to tread water. That will probably help in my diving too. I will try with more new things and be good, of course. I am feeling a little more in control now and so I do really believe that a great 2011 awaits. =)