阿桑，一路好走

阿桑因癌症晚期病逝了。

我是在驾车回家的途中，通过收音机听到的。整个路途只有短短的六分钟凑巧让我听到了这则新闻。之后我的脑里一直回转来至《叶子》的一这段：

我一个人吃饭旅行到处走走停停

也一个人看书写信自己对话谈心

只是心又飘到了哪里

就连自己看也看不清

我想我不仅仅是失去你

她曾说，“我的坚强来自真实经历。”也曾表示，“人生是很难的，但不管怎样都还要走下去！我也一直在努力的珍惜活着的每一天。生命有再多的悲哀，能活着就是一种幸福，呼吸着，感受用手指触摸的快乐。黑暗虽然永远不会完全的消失但是在努力的不让它淹没自己就是一种快乐的胜利。

Decisions

I have decided on two things tonight:

1. I am going to get a DSLR (Canon 450d) at the upcoming IT fair in March.
2. I am going to Tibet and have found a travel kakki to go with in either June 2010 or 2011.

Yeah.. my mood is definitely picking up. =)

Non-inclusiveness in the global world

I just saw Gan's post on how some people would put something on platforms such as FB and MSN and yet be cryptic, shrug and say that they don't want to talk about it. I supposed she might have been referring to me in that entry.

Ah..JY and I ignored her question on FB and I shrugged and didn't want to explain last night. JY did the honours because I have just finished telling Lun about David's tragedy a day ago and I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

In fact telling Lun about it resulted in us both feeling very sad and I had to shut some part of myself so that I could relate the incident in a cold, clinical and detached way so as not to lose control in the Japanese restaurant.

I didn't think I would be able to have that much control to relate it again.

So why did JY and I use FB then. She wasn't on MSN that time. We did call each other to see what each other had but it got too difficult. Talking about it was hard, silence on the phone was equally unbearable when it feels as though we should say something and each had nothing to say. Hanging up on each other wasn't an option either when closure should always be gently introduced.

Maybe FB was right because it provided us with a platform where we could communicate with each other and yet not have to face each other directly. I don't think it was our top priority to announce to 400-over people that something was going on. Besides how do you explain death and pain like that without demeaning the tragedy itself?

Ah yes..perhaps most would think that because posting things on public platforms are not private, they should be inclusive.

But you can no more include the world than you can exclude yourself.

Sadness and grief has always been something private. We put on smiles for the world even if we feel our heart burdened with many a failings, many a regret, many a sadness.

Maybe questions aren't replied because not everything has to be inclusive and sadness isn't for everybody.

'08 Jay's New Song 稻香

《稻香》
词：周杰伦 曲：周杰伦

对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨
跌倒了就不敢继续往前走
为什麼人要这麼的脆弱 堕落
请你打开电视看看
多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去
我们是不是该知足
珍惜一切 就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随著稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带著你逃跑 乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧 回到最初的美好

不要这麼容易就想放弃 就像我说的
追不到的梦想 换个梦不就得了
为自己的人生鲜艳上色 先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
笑一个吧 功成名就不是目的
让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义
童年的纸飞机 现在终於飞回我手里
所谓的那快乐 赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了 谁在偷笑呢
我靠著稻草人吹著风唱著歌睡著了
哦 哦 午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆
哦 哦 阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
珍惜一切 就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随著稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带著你逃跑 乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧 回到最初的美好

On getting fat

The father said that I was getting fat.

I woke up at 430 a.m to run today.

Resting the wrist....

Due to my haphazard sleeping patterns, I think I have sprained my wrist. I think it took place slowly over an extended period of time. The bones in the wrist have been making the weirdest 'clicking' sounds.

However, it has progressed into feeling something move and 'pop' if I rotate the wrist slowly. That's the left wrist, by the way. The right has remained at the 'clicking' stage of which I am thankful for. I don't quite know how to explain it. It's like it cannot rotate in a full complete circle (like my ankles due to the twisting over the years), as if the little bones are misaligned or something.

It doesn't hurt but it does feel sort of weird. I have taken to wearing a wrist support at night when I sleep and I do try to keep it on throughout the day. I'm not sure if it is going to work. Cousin-uncle was saying that it might be the keyboard. *shrugs...

Anyway, I've just put on fake nails. It's freaking hard to type in them. I don't know how people with long nails function. I'm supposed to keep them on for not more than 10 days but maybe I will remove them tomorrow. They are just so difficult to work with. I'm typing with them now and the tip of those nails just keep slipping off the keys. I can't type with flat fingers either because the nails are too long and I can't 'run' fast.

Methinks I'm going to take a hiatus from blogging. This is after all the only period where I can afford to have long impractical nails....

On not being able to sleep when I should be.

I'm starting to think that I don't know myself very well.

After wine yesterday, I woke up before 6 a.m. I did a quick calculation and realised I had a conservative estimation of 4 hours of sleep.

I think I woke because my mouth felt parched. Believe it or not, random thoughts started swirling in and crazily enough, I lay in bed thinking that I should do my theory homework. It was a crazy thought because I knew that today would be a long day. Not as long as a typical teaching day per se but yeah..activity-filled and I thought that I shouldn't be up so early if I could help it.

It was impossible to go back to sleep. I have no idea why.

In the end I woke up and padded across the room, wondering what I should do with myself. Checked the time, it was 6 a.m.

Obviously doing theory homework at 6 a.m on a Saturday morning, after wine last night with only 4 hours of sleep isn't a good idea. I would be the first to call myself insane.

I'm not really sure that I understand how I work anymore.

That is the reason why I am sitting in front of a darkened room writing. Puzzled. While I try to figure out what to do.

Food is filling up my life

Remember the instant Japanese curry mix I got?

I decided to cook it. Instructions were fairly simple, just put it in boiling water for a few minutes and then pour out the contents to rice.

Basically, vegetables such as carrots and potatoes (I think) are included, so it will be good alone with rice. However I added meat by simply slicing it and grilling it before I poured the sauce over. Lun did this before, for the SEC by using cutlets I think, so the alternative will be to fry the cutlets?

Anyway I mixed it all up and started eating before I remembered to take the picture, so it doesn't exactly look appetising here but trust me, it tastes better than it looks. After all, it is idiot-proof-instant-mix, you can hardly go wrong.

The only problem is that it is slightly more time-consuming than instant noodles. It definitely costs more and I cannot say that it is healthier. But it's different if I want something more to do rather than popping in a packet of noodles into the water.

Anyway, for dinner, the mother marinated chicken and sprinkled some herbs onto the chicken and left it in the fridge under clingwrap. My job was to pop it in the oven for grilling.

I took out the chicken to thaw for a bit as putting it into the oven straight away takes up more heat and uses more unnecessary energy. However, don't leave it for the entire afternoon as it could spoil.

Grilling is quite healthy. You cannot imagine the puddle of oil that came from the chicken itself. Can you imagine how much oil is ingested if the chicken was deep-fried? *shudders...Not that I am adverse to fried stuff, I still eat them. However, I believe in not taking in oil and fats when it is not necessary.

Gan is also back. I needed to return her a book and I asked if she wanted to borrow anything. Upon searching my shelves, I realise I need to re-organise them. This is only one shelf, mostly for classics..

Yup, so we met up for an early supper since she had to work tomorrow. Xiao Long Pau was no more...*SOBS, so we had to cross the road to the shophouses and settled for a HongKong-concept cafe. Like Fish, she had the Lemon-honey but the glass isn't as pretty.

I had tea....=P
and of course we ate stuff but I forgot to take pictures. Anyway those are just random pictures, I am awfully trigger-happy these past few days. MOSTLY because I just have less things to do now and I need to find more things to fill my time so that the days don't stretch too long. Taking pictures is a good 'filler activity'.

Another reason why we met up was because Gan just came back from Brisbane and she brought back a whole bag of goodies with her. One full Standard Chartered marathon gym bag. Need I say more? She spent like more than 100 SGD on food alone and she said that I can pick what I want out of that bag..

=D

I got my Choya !! And I am happy even though it is not free..LOL

Other goodies that I 'ka-pok' out of her bag include the lemon cheesecake slice biscuits and the Cinnamon & Apple tea (I have yet to see in in Singapore). The satchets of tea and coffee was what Gan threw into the backseat of the car..LOL

There is a reason why Gan is good as a pseudo boyfriend. The minute she opened her bag, she tossed me the Bailey's flavoured chocolate and told me they are for me...and a whole bag of them at that....It has the Chups' name written all over it. =D

Who needs boyfriends when you have one of the greatest girlfriends who gets you stuff like Bailey's-filled chocolate?!!

I don't think anybody at this present moment can read me so well. I'm like dreadfully happy with my lemon cheesecake flavoured biscuits, cinnamon and apple tea, my one big bottle of Choya and my Bailey's chocolate. They have my favourite food elements in them, like cheesecake, cinnamon....chocolate.....MMMMMMMMM.. and trust me.. It's almost heaven when you get to rummage through that BIG bag of goodies like a pack rat.

So that means more running....who cares when I can eat them?!!

And they are all MINE !!!

MINE !!!!!

*CACKLES WITH JOY !!!!

Not able to sleep...

Didn't do much today.

Doing too little, sleeping too much, results in the inability to sleep at midnight.

I drove the parents to NTUC in the evening as the mother wanted to make use of her vouchers. I headed for everything I wanted and dropped them into the basket I helped to carry. I dropped a bottle of Choya in. I love Choya. It is one of the early favourites, when I hit legal drinking age.

However the bottle of Choya had gone missing.

I think the mother hid it. (-_-")

Other than Tiger and Sheridan's, there is nothing else.

And after battling the inferno from outside and then spending the next few hours next to the oven baking.....I don't want Sherridan's and hot coffee (which is how I usually drink it)

I cannot open another bottle and risk the mother's wrath of taking up fridge space..... She was complaining a few weeks ago that we have juice, milk and that Sheridan's in the fridge. Never mind that the weather is hot and we need variety. The mother can get easily agitated when the fridge's space is taken up by non-essentials. And we have a really small fridge because long ago, they built them tiny and to last. Our tiny fridge is as old as I am.

But that's something for another time...anyway so I was left with Tiger...beer. (-_-")

It would be good for me to drink because....work has slowed to a crawl and less work wreaks havoc on diet and sleeping hours. I've been feeling the urge to eat, only to have food placed in front of me before I realise I have no appetite. Not only that, the intake of food has lessened. I can barely finish a bowl of standard foodcourt fare. Trust me, I was shocked when I couldn't finish my bowl of noodles, especially when I was in a bad mood earlier because I was ravenous. Last week, after the bout of viral thing I caught, I've also realised that two slices of bread can last me more than 8 hours when previously I could eat every 2-3 hours.

My bed-time has also gotten later. This is bad because I still need to wake up early on weekdays. And I am really the type of people who needs to really sleep a lot before the brain can function at optimum processing speed. But not working till I'm exhausted means I really cannot sleep.

And trust me, there are only so many teddy bears and jewellery stuff and 'you-tubing' I can do. In fact, I'm bored already after spending the entire of last night 'you-tubing'.

Ok I admit it. I like variety in life and I get easily bored. But hey..I AM a Gemini.

And so even though I really don't feel much like beer, I'm taking large swigs of it. Hopefully I will start feeling sleepy at 1 a.m. and not like 3 a.m.

I would actually have ran just now except that the heat is really stopping me. The weather is simply crazy. But then so was I just now, to actually decide to try out baking in that new oven that I've just coerced the mother to buy. But I was REALLY bored.

The oven was too small so I could only make little batches at a time. I ended up reading while waiting for each batch to be finish so that I could pop the next one in.

And I was sitting in the corner as shown in the picture.

As you can see, I must have been very bored to actually take pictures while baking cookies. Anyway while I was baking, I figured that someone is going to have to finish those cookies.

Here's Sheridan's. This picture was taken quite a while back. I bought this because I thought it was interesting to have both the coffee layered liquour and the cream come out at the same time. Oh and it does...in fact one of my greatest kick out of it is seeing the black and white pour out together. It's quite close to Bailey's but unlike Bailey's I never did acquire a taste for it on the rocks. I pour this in my coffee for one of those sunny afternoons when I have a good book by my side. As you can see, there is still quite a fair bit left. I don't think anybody in this house is a fan of Sheridan's.

And I bought it only to realise I've outgrown stuff like Bailey's and Sheridan's, which is a crying shame actually because I still have to finish the entire bottle...and as time passes, it is beginning to seem like I have to finish it all by myself, preferably before it expires....so if the SEC wants me to bring this bottle for any gatherings....let me know...I just poured this into my coffee last week, it's still good. And I only opened it like a few weeks back.

However, it's not like I can't drink it. I just realised that given a choice between something else and Bailey's, I may not necessarily choose to buy it, unlike in the past. When I drink this, half the time it is because I like to see the stuff pour out of separate openings....lolz

Wine is still quite a constant, so is desert wines like Port and Sherry but I think I am starting to acquire a taste for stuff like D.O.M. Probably because there is always some in the house that I can't help but eventually acquire tastebuds for it. I like the smell of spices in it and mixing it with orange juice is quite nice, really. But that is the parent's domain and they haven't opened a new bottle since the last one half a year ago. I think they've forgotten all about it.

Anyway, you can probably tell by now that I'm just blogging because I cannot get to sleep. Reading doesn't work for me because I will just finish the entire book. The Tiger is almost gone and it doesn't seem to be working. I think I will just run next time. But it's almost 2 a.m. already and I should really try to sleep and hope that the Tiger does work.

Sigh..really.. I think next time? I'll just run. After bathing and all, I'm sure I'll be pooped enough to sleep.

Nightout: Jazz@Southbridge

Wonderful wonderful night.

I love live bands.
I love 'chilling' out.

I love having music running through me.


I had them all last night.

Went to Jazz at Southbridge
(There were problems linking due to the @)

I prefer jazz with less rag-time but still...wonderful wonderful lovely lovely evening.

I could be at any place, at any time there, listening to music, hypnotised by the drums and the piano.


I feel like going back to my short-lived obsession with jazz and soul. Wait.. my obsession IS back. I need to do more for my collection.

I remember why I loved it so. Music is like a dream. But jazz is like the creme de la creme of those dreams. I like funny notes like minor seconds, flats and sharps. And what's jazz?

Jazz is when you turn an ankle, while running in a field of flowers and yet you smile and say you're fine. That's the feeling it gives.

Tinkling running chromatic notes that never ceased. Off-beat drumming that sound just right. Discordant harmony.


"You-tubing" Diana Krall, Renee Olstead, Kenny G....and erm...Frank Sinatra...hahaha

A Love That Will Last

I want a little something more
Don't want the middle or the one before
I don't desire a complicated past
I want a love that will last

Say that you love
Say I'm the one
Don't kiss and hug me and then try to run
I don't do drama
My tears don't fall fast
I want a love that will last

(Chorus)
I don't want just a memory
Gives me forever
Don't even think about saying good-bye
Cuz i want just one love to be enough
And remain in my heart till i die

So call me romantic
Oh I guess that must be so
Theres something more that you oughta know
I'll never leave you
So don't even ask
I want a love that will last

Forever
I want a love that will last
I want a love that will last

(Chorus)
I don't want just a memory
Give me forever
Don't even think about saying good-bye
Cuz i want just one love to be enough
And remain in my heart till i die

So theres little more that i need
I wanna share all the air you breathe
I'm not the kinda girl to complicate the past
I want a love that will last

Forever
I want a love the love that last
Always
I just want a love that will last
Want a love that will last

on being ill

I went to a doctor yesterday. I've been having fever on and off since Saturday. I will take some paracetamol, break into a sweat, feel better only to have a fever again, a few hours later.

It's been going on for a few days.

The doctor says that it is normal and that I just have to let my body build up immunity against the virus. I am supposed to take paracetamol or panadol when the fever comes.

Fantastic.

Except with this heat? I cannot tell if I am feeling hot and warm because of a fever or because of the heat. I also cannot tell if I am sweating because of the humidity or if it is because the body is on a winning streak against the fever because of the medicine.

Fantastic.

I've also been taking different versions of paracetamol because I'm cleaning up the house supply. Doctor-dispensed parcofen, doctor-dispensed paracetamol, over-the-counter panadol, you name it, the Chups ate it. The doctor I saw yesterday didn't prescribe me any paracetamol or its equivalent because I told him I have them in the house.

But it's all gone now. Woo-hoo !!

On a side note, while googling to check if I had spelt 'paracetamol' correctly, I learnt from Wikipedia that it is derived from all things......'coal tar'.

I have been ingesting the by-products of coal tar.

Fantastic.

It's bad enough knowing that there are funny chemicals with potential side effects running amok in the body. Of course it may not be 'coal tar' per se but....I'm going to turn to the Chup's residential pharmacist for help.

Jac..can you please clarify this?

And I don't want to sound whiny here but......I really hate being sick and trust me..having a fever in this weather is the last thing anybody wants.

A respite from work

FINALLY, a break from work.

I went back on Friday after work to change and headed to Bukit Timah to dine with Gan. Xiao Long Pau..oh man..*slurps

It was then to Chinatown as I had to get some craft stuff to work with. I ended up buying 2 pairs of pumps for work. Practical shoes.

Then I dropped Gan on the way back and fetched the mother.

Today I was bored. I contemplated going for practice but I thought it was dumb since I wasn't involved in the concert in July. Besides though I do not need to hand in anymore lesson plans for the time being, I still needed to mark. I called QJ to see if he wanted lunch and he said he couldn't because he had a paper and he would not be going for practice.

That settled it.

During the early dinner, Iv called to say that theory lesson was cancelled.

I decided to cajole my parents into going out. In the end, we went to Vivo. I think I spent a bomb in two days. I bought 4 books today and went to Marks and Spencer...AGAIN. Plus the craft stuff I got yesterday..considering petrol, food, parking and all, I must have hit $200.

Guilty pleasures.

And I forgot to buy something so I'll have to head out to JP to get the parts.

Ah well...

Lastly, I think I'm coming down with Z's bug. The nose's been dripping non-stop for an entire day and I started to feel feverish on the drive back.

trying to be positive

My previous post was negative, wasn't it?

But I guess I have to stop using the blog as an outlet for depressing, frustrating stuff. Or else one day I will read through everything and wonder why was I ever so angry and depressive. I've been listening to French songs and it really made me feel better. And I should blog too when I am happy and calm.

I still want to do French and composing and take up music lessons again.

And it's almost 2 years since I've graduated from university in June '06. I've completed driving lessons, gotten my licence and I'm taking music theory lessons right now. Exams are in November. I haven't had any time to prepare yet but here's hoping a space to study will pop up from between now till then.

I've started on enrolling myself in marathons and finishing a 42 km run by 30 seems possible. I AM doing all the things that I want to be doing and the pace seems good enough.

Now that the whole roaring of the storm is behind me, all I hear is the steady tinkling of a fork on a wine glass. Somehow I am hungry again.

But I think I should go and sleep soon. Life is really like running. Sometimes when I think I can no longer go on and it gets so tiring, its becomes all about mental determination. One foot after another and then it doesn't seem so bad and I have no problems continuing until the next wave of how I cannot ..cannot go on...floods again.