victims always win

Sometimes I wonder if it has never been about right or wrong after all but about who's weaker.

Is that why people are getting less resilient?

Because we can't always do the right thing, because we can't always be strong, when we cannot, we are the shattered, we are the victims revelling in sympathetic attention.

So that we can, in our own skewed perceptions of reality, think that we have won.

trying to be positive

My previous post was negative, wasn't it?

But I guess I have to stop using the blog as an outlet for depressing, frustrating stuff. Or else one day I will read through everything and wonder why was I ever so angry and depressive. I've been listening to French songs and it really made me feel better. And I should blog too when I am happy and calm.

I still want to do French and composing and take up music lessons again.

And it's almost 2 years since I've graduated from university in June '06. I've completed driving lessons, gotten my licence and I'm taking music theory lessons right now. Exams are in November. I haven't had any time to prepare yet but here's hoping a space to study will pop up from between now till then.

I've started on enrolling myself in marathons and finishing a 42 km run by 30 seems possible. I AM doing all the things that I want to be doing and the pace seems good enough.

Now that the whole roaring of the storm is behind me, all I hear is the steady tinkling of a fork on a wine glass. Somehow I am hungry again.

But I think I should go and sleep soon. Life is really like running. Sometimes when I think I can no longer go on and it gets so tiring, its becomes all about mental determination. One foot after another and then it doesn't seem so bad and I have no problems continuing until the next wave of how I cannot ..cannot go on...floods again.

Inches apart

Inches apart

Olive green solemn face
Serious concentration for all that remains
Warrior, fighter, guardian it seems
And the cold wind blows and blazes its hurried ways

Icicles sprinkles of sharp shards

penetrate

that dull armour chinks

Dented metal and bruised heart embrace
Frown lines, lined eyes of what secrets shared?
Lost years and a missing touch
Of wronged time

Of wrong stages
Of a closer bond that nothing can ever put in place

A porcelain figurine
lost in the forgotten realm
inches away from the old guardian sword

Apart in hollow darkness

There.
Together.
And not

losing weight

I think I've been losing weight.

Last week, K commented that I look thinner and JinY agreed when I looked to her for confirmation.

This week, someone at work commented on my waist. Apparently it is very small though I have no idea why someone would say that because no matter how I look at it, it doesn't look small to me.

Today HQ commented that I look thinner too and when she came over to me to ask me to fill in my T-shirt size, she then decided that I should get XXS....and apparently I have lost so much weight that I look unproportionate because now my head seems bigger than my body.... though I figured it could also be because my head is a mass of tangled curls. Then she asked me is it because I sleep late that is why my face retained water....

On one hand, I am glad that I am losing weight. But........have I lost THAT MUCH weight?!

Hmm.....I think I need to get a weighing machine to weigh myself. For all I know, I could have already hit the target of 42 kg which was my weight back in JC without even realising it.

But the thing is....I'm eating..sometimes more than 1 lunch per day. I also drink coffee many times a day with double dosage of Milo... With regards to exercising, other than the one hockey training I've been to and 2 games of Captain balls and running once a week about 2 km with the students really really slowly, I haven't done much exercising in 2 months. I've stopped with running on Sundays.

You mean 5 weeks of practicum can do that to me?!

Wow......maybe by the end of practicum I will look even smaller...maybe with a little more help, my weight can even go below 40?? I'll be back to secondary school size !!!

Ok, I think I'm running tomorrow. I think I need to 'bitch' to WQ anyway, might as well just lose more weight. I think I need to anyway.

Holidays and museums

I went to the National Museum with XH today. I've been meaning to go except that I just couldn't find the time and suddenly, a few months just flew past. I was lucky. It was the last week for the exhibition.

When I was much younger, I used to be really fascinated by Greek mythology. Actually I was fascinated by mythology as a whole. I knew who was Isis, the Egyptian goddess, the Greek and Romanised names of the Gods of Olympus. I grew up knowing Neptune and Poseidon were the same and what they governed.

Mythology, along with fairy tales, fables and history were part of my childhood. I remembered the feeling of being lost in that world, every first time I encountered a story about them...so much that I read and re-read them in a bid to hold on to that pleasure, eventually they still faded away.

I slowly grew up and the tales held less and less magic for me, even if I read them after a long time had passed since I last did.

My velocity of reading increased. My comprehension increased. Books that took a sustained effort before, books like 'Little Women' 'The Little Princess', they took at least 2 days of sustained reading before...where I would get up in the middle of the night just to finish them....as I grew older, they could be finished in less than a day.

That was how I gradually lost my childhood. And yet I still read those books of mine sometimes, perhaps because of what they had given me before, they deserve much more than to be left away in some forgotten corner to be buried under dust.

Two years ago when I went to the Louvre in France, my aim wasn't the Greek sculptures. I wanted to see the paintings I heard so much about. And yet when I came across the sculptures, they reminded me of my childhood, the numerous hours spent poring over fiction and imagined reality. The Greek sculptures were amazing. They are indeed breath-taking. Yet their beauty were eclipsed by the lost pleasures of childhoods.

I know the figures well and yet they no longer bring with them that fizz and zest. What they have is akin to the rich full-bodied taste of wine. I can only remember that I once had it, perhaps even the notes but can never recall exactly how it tastes like.


And so when I read that the Greek pieces were slated for exhibition in Singapore, I was vastly intrigued, not because of my love for Greek history, not because of my long-lost childhood passion for stories but because I have seen them before in France, not too long before. Recent history is but all I can relate to now.

There were like friends I made in France, here for a visit.


And yet the famous pieces that caught my eye were not here. It forced me to take a look at the other pieces and I learnt.
The youth held a bird in his right hand. The carvings depicted the moment of choice. That is if he was going to give the bird to his dog or to set it free.

This was supposed to be a long entry but then I deleted everything away because I no longer am that enthusiastic to let people know what and how I think. I guess that is why I have been writing and then deleting my entries.

Anyway if I keep writing, I'll end up saying more and then finish off by deleting everything I've typed.

So yeah...I went off for drinks with Gan and QJ after the museum trip.

Ended up saying more than I should, yesterday.

I should start imposing a word limit, or maybe count to three before saying anything. And no, nothing massive happened. I just happened to realise that hustle and bustle is instinctive but I feel most at peace with myself when everything is quiet.

It's been awfully cold recently...

Nothing beats a cup of coffee with a generous dash of liquor while I read.

Sigh I don't know if I want the book to finish or not.

Ah well....it's going to take another half a day at least before I can get back to churning out lesson plans and marking scripts.

I love working late but I can't except on weekends.

Give a holler if you want supper then.

something new everyday

I taught father something new today...

I explained the term 'sai kang'

XD

"Sai-kang" : Noun. Colloquial (Singapore)

[Definition]

1. Resolving screw-ups.
2. Refers to jobs outside of one's job scope.
3. Extra generally unimportant duties

[Usage]

1. I can't believe I am clearing his sai-kang for him.
2. I cannot get any proper work done because I am stuck with this sai-kang.
3. My boss gives me all the sai-kang, like making me pick up his dry-cleaning for him. I think he doesn't like me.

[Spin-off]

"Sai-kang warrior": Someone who is always saddled with time-consuming unimportant work.

exploring the rocky coastline at Labrador park

I went for a nature walk along the rocky coast line at Labrador Park yesterday. As usual, I had forgotten all about it until I was reminded by YJ. I even forgot to note it down. Not that I had forgotten about the walk. It was more like the date didn't really hit me. I had no idea that the 8th of March was already here.

When reminded the night before, the brain nearly crashed due to the lack of processing power. My eyes nearly crossed while I struggled to remember what I was supposed to do on Saturday. Usually I will have practice (which I will be MIA-ing till May), I have theory lessons... and then I hit my forehead in dismay because I had yet to finish my homework. In the end, I realise that it would be far beneficial to go for the walk than to go for theory lessons.

The day was relaxing. A whole day of not doing anything which meant that I could possibly expiate later on in the near future. I drove there and the place was dotted with military police.......who looked at me while I parked my car. (-_-")

ok.. I had problems because their huge truck blocked my way and I had problems navigating into the slot...and so one guy offered his suggestions while the rest watched.

I told my mother about it...she said I should have asked them if I looked like Mas Selamat..bleah...

The walk was relaxing. Because all I had to do was just listen. And I saw lots of stuff like really tiny hermit crabs, weird worms, remnants of oyster shells on walls. They were really pretty, the pillars looked as though they were inlaid with mother-of-pearl.

That's me and because of the knots in the pants and the angle..

I have a huge tummy !! ^%$&^$&^

Stepped on some corals..oops..we didn't mean to. And I also learnt how to distinguish them from the normal barnacle-riddled stones. Pried open shell-stuff from their rocks. I can't remember their names but I know enough to look out for them lest I sit or squash them from now on. Most seaweeds are edible. I saw the seaweed that agar-agar was made from. There was even this really unique seaweed that contained calcium as well as sea-grapes that looked like large green pomelo sacs. Someone actually put it into her mouth and described it as salty with a bitter after-taste.

Oh most shelled-animals we saw are mostly edible too. So I figured Mas Selamat can probably hide out for a very long time if he is near the coast..lol

It felt like a holiday.

I was glad I went....it as a nice short reprieve and then now...it's back to work again..