想到學生，想到明年將把一切都放下，我想我總會有些不捨。

學過，聽過的諺語俗語未曾那麼刻骨銘心過。其中最深的莫過於 ＂凡事豈能盡如人意，但只求無愧於心＂。

我想我終於鼓起了能對不起他人的勇氣，學會了如何善待自己。

2010 to 2011: Taking stock of life

It's 2011.

Someone told me that she thought I was a scatterbrain in 2010.

I do agree.

Looking back, I was lost in the hazy mists of 2010. It was a little dreary and I can't really recall what happened. That could be also due to the minimal blogging I have done in recent years.

With work, things were not exactly rosy. People gave each other a hard time and I can never understand why it must be so but it is depressing. I suppose I was on the tip of breaking down and maybe I did but as with many things, I am always late when it comes to realisation.

With relationships, halfway through the year, I opened up to new people because they were easier to hang around with. Not that I didn't love the old but the pretense of keeping up, pretending that everything was fine was getting too much so I closed up. Even then, there are always people who are more understanding so I guess I drifted away from others and give thanks for people who are still there when I finally learnt to make my way back.

We all mature at different speed and undergo different experiences at different life stages. If anything else, I never thought it was possible to feel even older than I thought I did with some of my friends but 2010 has been a dark awakening somehow even if it a little misty. With some people, I feel that I have aged even faster than I thought possible.

Feeling that way is a little scary because how much more idealism and innocence can I still afford to lose? But I was recently asked what I would have changed in my life and I realise that there is nothing I would change. Every little experience has shaped and moulded me into who I am today. Sometimes I do wish I was different and a little easier on myself but if I can't then I can only love myself. I can't choose where I was born nor my family nor the era and every little aspect which has shaped my youth has shaped my choices and affected my experience in life's journey since. I still buy the theory that even if I were to go back in time, with all my imperfect knowledge and character, I would still have made the same choices. Hindsight is always perfect. Yet I can't see how I would have turned out if I had chosen differently or changed certain experiences and that being the case, I can only choose to love myself for who I am today. I may not be satisfied with the person I am but I will indeed try to love myself, even if I had lost a great deal of innocence and idealism.

Someone told me I reminded him of soldiers who undertake increasingly dangerous missions in hope of killing themselves. It jolted me awake because I didn't think that it was that obvious but for a while I did feel like I was going on a nuclear implosion where I didn't mind if anything and everything was obliterated. Looking back now, even I find myself a little scary.

2010 was also a year of new things. I did scuba diving alone and went to Shanghai and Hangzhou alone. There were people there but crossing paths is not exactly the same as heading there alone, isn't it? I found comfort in solace and it is where I return to when I need it. I've learnt to do many more things alone. It wasn't something I had set out to accomplish but much like being able to find pleasure in reading, I am glad that I can.

Despite many ugly incidents and ugly people encountered and where I could have been even more screwed up but am not, for that I give thanks and still believe that someone must have been watching out for me.

What's in for 2011?

I am hoping for Bali in March and Tibet in June. I will try to take better care of myself in every way, hoping to run again, do more music and reconstruct my social life as well as push myself more. I will try to blog more. It is a good way to document, remember and learn. I will try to live more. I have been trying but in actual fact, for quite some time, I was trying to keep my head above water more than really enjoying living. And so I will try to do more swimming especially since I can barely do a lap and hopefully learn how to tread water. That will probably help in my diving too. I will try with more new things and be good, of course. I am feeling a little more in control now and so I do really believe that a great 2011 awaits. =)

假動作

假動作

作曲／編曲：黃韻仁"
作词：小寒

要不是他在眼前對你的愛憐
我想愛你的心將持續冬眠
夢被叫醒如何能疏遠

要不是你在耳邊對我吐真言
我想我會怎樣和你沒關聯
從此連見到你的臉 也能免則免

我明白知覺
會因為視覺聽覺觸覺產生錯覺
於是要你誤解
也不要你瞭解

揮揮手（放開你）只是 假動作
掩飾我 我深愛過的線索
不該無理剝奪
該你的幸福結果

就算冷漠是 假動作
沒有錯 我背負心碎藏躲
獨自人海漂泊
為的只是要你能忘了我

要不是我開始在深陷的邊緣
沒想到那麼快就必須棄權
割捨所有的可能不允許剩一點

兩人禁不起流言的挑撥
感情體質虛弱
人的骨子裡難免有許多
痛和不妥 盡量躲過
才能好好生活

嘿 請你忘了我

我一直都很喜歡小寒的詞。這句‘我明白知覺會因為視覺聽覺觸覺產生錯覺，於是要你誤解也不要你瞭解’令我印象深刻， 所以就搜尋了這首歌也發現了原來這首歌是有它的典故。

對於這首歌的詞解,　小寒的博客(寒語詞點)是這麼寫著。 。

“人的骨子裡難免有許多，痛和不妥，盡量躲過，才能好好生活。“

這是兩個高中生阿叮和大衛，加上一個同校女生鈴鐺的真實故事。

大衛是個壞男孩；鈴鐺是個書呆子，根本不是大衛的菜。大衛追鈴鐺，完全出自於新鮮感。

阿叮是大衛美式足球的隊友，安靜卻講義氣，處處為大衛解圍，也處處為大衛想辦法追到他看上的女生。鈴鐺所認識的阿叮，是從大衛嘴裡聽說的。大衛說，阿叮是個萬人迷。可是在鈴鐺看來，阿叮是個獨行俠，除了偶而跟大衛混在一起，他都靠在校舍欄桿吹風、看書。

阿叮和鈴鐺唸的學科大多相同，上下課的時間較相近，兩人碰面卻從未說話。大衛之所以知道鈴鐺出現的時間、地點，全靠阿叮知會。阿叮所不知道的是，自己藏在對面座校舍的蹤跡，凝望著她的舉動，已被鈴鐺發現。特別是在鈴鐺躲在秘密角落掉眼淚時，阿叮更是徘徊不去。可惜阿叮並沒有現身，最後還是選擇把大衛叫來，安慰鈴鐺。

層層精彩的攻勢，讓鈴鐺心動，終於答應和大衛出去玩。雖然鈴鐺喜歡阿叮。卻從一直沒和阿叮單獨相處的機會。她就只能遠遠地，用仰慕的心情看著他。

阿叮也從沒跟鈴鐺說過一句話，卻偏偏在傳球給大衛時，總會喊著鈴鐺的名字當暗號。激烈的球賽中，聽到兩個男生一直喊自己的名字，讓鈴鐺更是有些錯亂、丈二金剛摸不著頭腦。

終於有一次三人碰面，趁大衛上廁所的當兒，阿叮終於開口，尷尬地說了聲“嗨。” 鈴鐺不知何故，冒出了一句：“你知道我們還不是男女朋友…” 還沒說完剛好大衛出來，阿叮趁機對他說自己有事先走了。走時，連鈴鐺也不多看一眼。

不知是害怕別人的流言，還是出自於一個朋友的義務，從此阿叮刻意避開可能碰到鈴鐺的地點，即使不小心碰到，也裝著不認識。

後來鈴鐺沒有跟大衛在一起，阿叮也結婚了。

球場上的假動作，騙過了青春，要大家把頭別過去， 看不到可能發生的事也埋了一切可能。

最後一句寫得非常好。 。 。 ‘騙過了青春，要大家把頭別過去， 看不到可能發生的事也埋了一切可能’。它淡淡的帶出了青春所剩的遺憾，人生中種種的無法控制也無法解釋的韻味；惟獨有盡量的躲過骨子裡的痛和不妥才能好好生活。

好切實的一句話,　不是嗎？我們人生中又有多少的假動作是出自於無理頭的保護信念？甚至不清楚是保護他人, 自我保護，還是只不過是傻瓜式的为了一心想要維持現狀。 。 。

休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。

西江月 　　平山堂
　　
三过平山堂下，半生弹指声中。
十年不见老仙翁，壁上龙蛇飞动。 　　
欲吊文章太守，仍歌杨柳春风。
休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。

白居易说：“百年随手过，万事转头空”。苏轼则比之有更深层次的认识：“休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦”。欧公仙逝了，固然一切皆空，而活在世上的人，又何尝不是在梦中，终归一切空无。不要轻言东坡消极，或许正是心怀此念，他才得以坦然面对纷至沓来的政治打击：人生既然不过虚幻，政治失意与挫折，算得什么呢？故而陈廷焯《白雨斋词话》卷六云：“‘休言万事转头空。未转头时皆梦’追进一层，唤醒痴愚不少。”

苏轼受佛家思想影响颇深，习惯用佛家的色空观念看待事物。白居易诗云“百年随手过，万事转头空”，苏轼则更进一步认识到“休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。”这种对整体人生的空幻、悔悟、淡漠感，这种携带某种禅意玄思的人生偶然的感喟，其中深深地埋藏着某种要求彻底解脱的出世意念。苏词中传达的这种独特的人生态度，是解读其作品的关键所在。

~baike.baidu.com/view/867074.htm

友人最近在和我谈话中送了我一句: “休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦”。是啊！既然百年随手过，万事转头空，休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。最近也在看作家村上春樹 (Haruki Murakami) 的短篇小说, 有一篇也刚巧描绘了这一点。

现在的我又怎么知道此时此刻的我不是处于一段梦竟。。。

可是我为何感觉有如庄周。。。不知勤之梦为胡蝶与？胡蝶之梦为勤与？

又或许一场春蝶之梦本皆空。。。百年随手过，万事转头空，人生也不过如此而已。。。

[Book review]: Her Fearful Symmetry

Audrey Niffenegger, the author of The Time Traveler's Wife. That was what prompted me to pick up Her Fearful Symmetry.

I prefer The Time Traveler's Wife, it is more refreshing and intricately put together. Her Fearful Symmetry pales in comparison on closing the book, or so I thought. However the title was apt. I read that book idly, whenever I could find a breather in my hectic schedule. I finished it a couple of hours before bed time. While I slowly dozed off, there was a nuance in the plot that struck me. I froze and was jolted into full consciousness. For a split moment, I was filled with terror, much like an empty jug with water. I could feel the horror at the realisation of the extent we could go to sabotage and manipulate the lives of someone we can claim to love.

Spoiler alert:
Did Elspeth get herself pregnant on purpose so she would never be forgotten by her twin? That seems to match the hints in the beginning of the book when she mentioned how dying is like being erased. It seems as though the focus was on the twins, how they interacted with the various characters in the story but Elspeth was the strong silent focal point, she seemed to be overshadowed or sharing the stage at best but it is her I end up wondering about, even after I have closed the book.

The book is on obsession, on love? When we talk about loving other people, is it a mere extension or projection of the massive selfish love we have for ourselves?

Her Fearful Symmetry appears lacklustre at first but the darkness grows. I have to admit that in terms of writing, Audrey Niffenegger excels and as time progresses and I am allowed to digest the book, I retract my hasty judgement. The story slowly seeps in. The subtle layering grows increasingly evident, where each character has their purpose and multi-dimentional complexities, allowing you to question and wonder. It was impossible for me to love any one of them or hate any one of them and I laud Audrey Niffenegger for that.

It took me some time but I reach the conclusion that Her Fearful Symmetry is a brillant piece, in a different league from The Time Traveller's Wife. At least when you close the book, the take-away feeling is different, it was almost like they were from two separate authors. Her Fearful Symmetry lies on my shelf and it is as though the characters continues to live and breathe. They remain indelible in the realms of my imagination everytime I happen to glance upon that book.

迷魂

墓石生青苔
鼓聲敲碎回憶錄
回音一刻劃心
磨滅溫柔
不停問
誰又在遠方煙雨楚楚處?

(2010)

Bag of veined pulsing flesh

And then I feel like eating myself from the ankles up
so that I can turn myself inside out.
My humanity would be hidden with skin
while the world flees in terror
only to give me solitude within.

(2009)

On starting work in 2010

And so school for 2010 has started. I was relatively calmer compared to last year although I still lost sleep even though I didn't feel stressed at all.

After doing a stock check of my life, it is of great comfort to me to have an affirmation that I still love my job. However, these past few days, I've also realised that I love sleep more. Unfortunately, being a professional sleeper is not a recognised vocation.... and I do it so very well......

I hope that this year will be a good year, for one and all.

Repatriation of Hmongs

I was lounging on the chair idly, watching CNA when I caught sight of the scrolling words at the bottom of the screen. Thailand is planning to repatriate 4000 Hmongs back to Lao PDR. (Incidentally, it is not Laos but Lao PDR. There have been many gross misrepresentations of the name in the media. It would be good to not perpetuate it further if possible.)

Anyway, I was reading Refugee Manipulation not so long ago. 4000 refugees doesn't seem a lot when you compare it to a mass exodus of refugee in times of crisis. Two schools-worth of people, maybe?

When you are a refugee, you are meat. The term 'refugee' alone, grants you the status of a victim, you are merely waiting for a bully to appear. The Hmongs, now they are really a sad lot for an ethnic group.

After being recruited by the U.S to fight in the 'secret war' against the Vietnamese, the Hmongs are now 'betrayed' after dying for the U.S geopolitical interest. Shepherded around without autonomy, being told by entities that it is safe to go back now, being used and then thrown away.

How safe is it to be repatriated really? How much has been forgotten?

The Vietnam War ended in 1976. It has been at least 30 years. Babies born in refugee camps are now adults and would consider the area that they reside in, home. There have been accounts of brutal treatments after repatriation. It is possible that stories could have been made up because refugees simply don't want to be uprooted and repatriated.

Refugees may also not want to be repatriated because there is a chance that they can be granted refugee status in developed countries. There could be one or two who wouldn't mind telling a horror story so that they can move on to the U.S. Mind you, I am just speculating. Undeniably, refugees face a tremendous amount of stress and pressure with a life of restriction and uncertainty.

That brings to mind the issue of human rights, which I have always found to be a bucket of hogwash under close scrutiny.

Whose rights do you uphold? Don't the Hmongs have a right to a healthy life and mind free from threats? Yet these same rights infringe upon the rights of the Thais. Don't the Thais have a right to their land and a peaceful, healthy life free from stress too?

On a sidenote, as recent as 2007, a plot of Hmongs planning to overthrow the Lao government was discovered and there are still resistance efforts by the Hmongs in Lao. Looking back on the efforts made to crush the ethnic group, it would be nothing short of a miracle if they ever succeed.

How much responsibility do the countries involved in a war half a century ago have? How long do they need to continue the obligations for, especially when a problem like this does not have an easy solution.

I guess sometimes all the options are wrong and we just have to do what we believe is needed. If a clash ensues, all we can hope for is that the end result will be one of lesser evil and we are strong enough to weather the storm and shoulder the consequences, hoping that in time, people will forget. If nothing else, we are pretty good at that.

[ Book review ]: Refugee Manipulation

Since World War II, refugee organizations have faced a recurrent challenge: the manipulation of refugees by warring parties to further their own aims. Some armies in civil wars, facing military defeat, use refugees as assets to establish the international legitimacy of their cause, treat refugee camps as sanctuaries and recruitment pools, and limit access to refugees to ensure that they will not repatriate.

Focusing on the geopolitical security environment surrounding militarized camps and the response of humanitarian agencies, the contributors to this volume examine the ways armed groups manipulate refugees and how and why international actors assist their manipulation. They then offer suggestions for reducing the ability of such groups to use the suffering of refugees to their own advantage.

The contributors examine three cases: Cambodian refugees along the Thai border in the 1970s and 1980s, Afghan refugees in Pakistan in the 1980s and 1990s, and Rwandan refugees in Eastern Zaire from 1994-96. They argue that refugee manipulation occurs because warring parties gain resources in their fight for power and other actors--often the host government and regional and major powers--encourage and support it. Manipulation is allowed to occur because the international refugee regime and major states have not identified a consistent approach to stopping it. In the post-Cold War era the United Nations and its members have chosen to treat the issue as a humanitarian problem instead of a security problem.

As the contributors make clear, however, manipulation of refugees has important ramifications for international security, turning some civil wars into larger protracted regional wars. They argue that the geopolitics of refugee manipulation leads to sanguine conclusions about stopping it. Solutions must change the moral, political, and strategic calculations of states that are implicated in the manipulation. As long as the problem is not deemed a security threat, refugee organizations must choose between assistance that prolongs war or walking away from millions who deserve help.

Contributors include Howard Adelman (York University), Frederic Grare (Centre des Sciences Humaines, New Delhi), Margaret McGuinness (Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton, and Garrison), Stephen John Stedman (Stanford University), Fred Tanner (Geneva Centre for Security Policy), and Daniel Unger (Northern Illinois University).

Sometimes, we cannot return to innocence no matter how hard we try. Refugee Manipulation is a such a book that allows readers to see things in a different light. The book examines three main refugee crisis. The Cambodian refugees in Thailand, the Afghan refugees in Pakistan and the Rwandan refugees in Zaire.

When I was very young, I naively believed that when people didn't help in times of crisis, it was because they lack the information to or perhaps they couldn't. When I got older, in the case of Rwanda, I thought that the UN failed to act because nobody had any vested interest in that country. It is not that simple.

When it came to Cambodia, I thought that it was the expulsion of foreigners and the unawareness of political leaders regarding the seriousness of the situation that led to the disturbing conditions. I thought that the issue of refugees were simple. I was vastly wrong.

Sometimes the UN finds itself in a difficult situation because refugee camps may sometimes be places where warring parties regroup to prolong conflict and rendering aid to the camps pave the way for more unrest. Withdrawing aid on the other hand is not humanitarian. Yet it is not easy to control food and aid distribution. One may distribute food to children and women but who is to stop men from laying hands on them?

The UN may also be a group of countries but it is not above politics. Sometimes refugees are forced to cluster in a certain area, typically near borders so that they can form a buffer against further expansion. Such was the case for Cambodians seeking refuge in Thailand. I already knew parts of it from earlier readings but I had not managed to piece anything together. As I am not a History major and am still doing leisure reading, my knowledge may not be entirely correct but I would attempt to give my little perspective garnered so people may understand why this book is an insightful read.

The Cold War was a difficult era. Simply put it, it was between the capitalist and communist countries.To summarise what I know and recall from all sorts of books and readings over the years, Vietnam, Lao and Cambodia used to be a French colony. The area was called Indochine. However in politics, there are no permanent friends. In fact, as I know more about how politics work, I don't think friends is apt. It is more of the case where there are no permanent allies. Between countries, there is no 'feel-good' factor to maintain relationships, the only consideration is interest.

After the end of World War II, Indochine was eventually granted independence (after much difficulty and fighting). Of course, with any emerging nations, the question of political ideology would be first and foremost. Colonial masters seem to like dividing nations. Somehow or rather, (for simplicity sake) North Vietnam was communist-backed and South Vietnam was capitalist-backed since a communist-dominated region wouldn't be good for America's interest.

The Soviet Union who was supposed to be chummy with China due to certain reasons that I shall not go into here, wasn't any more. China found itself surrounded by no political friends. USSR was on top. On the East side, there was Japan. Not to mention, North and South Korea was probably having a similar problem around that time. Let's leave out countries on the West of China, such as India. Communist Vietnam was chummier with the USSR than China. I knew that from before. It is thus not surprising when I happened to read that China sold weapons to Cambodian refugees so that they could rise up against the Vietnamese.

(I was too lazy to find a better map but Cambodia is right under Lao, between Vietnam and Thailand. Anyway Viet forces were also pushing its way into Lao)

What better than refugee camps to breed dissent? Such was also the case in Rwanda, perhaps more so.

When all was worried about Vietnamese expansion in Southeast Asia, maybe on hindsight now after reading Refugee Manipulation, I shouldn't be so surprised after all that Thailand was willing to have Cambodians as a buffer at the border. After all, it also wouldn't do to have Cambodians feeling safe and comfortable and ending up drawing even more refugees into Thailand. What shocked me was the willingness and participation by many countries to keep refugees in refugees camps at the borders for their political interest through dangling food and aid. "In many cases, the Thai military put pressure on Cambodians to return to the border to join anti-Vietnamese resistance." (pg 44)

Conditions in refugee camps are more often than not, complicated, messy and dismal. Sometimes, Thai guards would even request women from the refugee camps. People often had not enough to eat. Most of the time, even if aid was rendered, they do not reach the needy. And yet, do you render aid, even if you suspect that the bulk of it is siphoned off by unethical middlemen and dealers or even to possible fighters, funding conflict or cut it off completely and have the refugees suffer?

And so when the United Nation High Commissioner for Refugees, UNHCR, found difficulty in balancing relief and that such actions was not in line with its aims and goals, another was eventually set up. Of course, when the question of possibility funding conflict arises, it would be a sensitive issue for any country (like Thailand or the US) to distribute aid. "The Joint Mission wanted out of its border roles that were provoking authorities in Phnom Penh, fueling black markets in aid goods along the border and helping combatants, including the Khmer Rouge. Concerned about international perceptions if the Thai military were solely responsible for distributing World Food Programe (WFP) food, both Thai and U.S. officials pressed the Joint Mission not to withdraw". (pg 40) Thus the United Nation Border Relief Operation, UNBRO was eventually set up. However, sometimes, neither the UNHCR nor the UNBRO had any access to such camps.

Sometimes it's not easy to render aid and I have more sympathy for the people who are tasked with the responsibility to decide whether their actions would benefit the needy especially since they are so often criticised.

Of course that was merely one case study but I am reluctant to discuss the insights I've garnered from the case study on Rwandan refugees in Zaire other than to say that the UN was slow to act and when it did, perhaps the Hutus refugees who fled into the camps were the perpetrators of the 1994 Tutsi genocide in Rwanda and it eventually affected another country, Zaire. The refugee camps turned into a breeding ground for the continuation of ethnic violence against the Tutsi in Zaire. Discussing this and recalling all my knowledge on the 1994 Rwanda crisis would require another extremely long blog entry. Just thinking about it is already tiring enough.

If anybody knows about the Afghanistan's-Pakistan refugee issue, that would be the third case study that may interest them. My knowledge on the Afghanistan and Soviet conflict is the least out of the three. However that is also another interesting issue to delve in. I was told by the father a long time ago that it was due to a need for a port. Of course it would be due to other reasons such as the need for natural resources.

All in all, like what a passage in the book would describe of the turmoil of having to make the right choice and I quote:

The international community was far from eager to aid the Khmer Rouge and might have done son less assiduously if presented an attractive alternative. Even the U.S. government was divided over whether it would be necessary to work with the Khmer Rouge to resist the Vietnamese in Cambodia. American officials were uncomfortable with their vote in the United Nations in 1979, torn between moral principles and international law" that also served U.S. security interests. Should they oppose ASEAN and China, and legitimate Vietnam's invasion?

U.S. Ambassador at Large for Refugee Affairs Victor Palmieri observed that while the United States was "revolted from a humanitarian standpoint" by the Khmer Rouge, it was "revolted from a political standpoint" by Vietnam. (pg 29)

When it comes down to humanitarian versus politics, politics almost always wins. The death of a million is after all just a statistic. Furthermore, the unimaginable is always worse. In politics, isn't it always better to sacrifice a few to curb the horrors that could befall on more?

And so, I was slightly amused when Clinton said that when it comes down to human rights issues, they can achieve more progress with some countries through closed door negotiations. Because a long time ago, I would have believed that. What is the difference between countries that are 'named-and-shamed' and countries you negotiate behind closed doors with? You happen to owe the latter a lot of money. U.S have been walking gingerly recently. That is the loss of innocence for you. You stop believing that countries are strong and mighty. You see more false fronts.

Speaking of which, I was vastly amused to read in the news today that Mr Obama barged in uninvited on a 'secret' meeting between leaders of China, India, South Africa and Brazil. But of course they say that he didn't.

Refugee manipulation is a book for realist. Sometimes altruism is but a political game.

[Book review]: 1984

I've just finished the book 1984, by George Orwell.

To say it was thought-provoking was an understatement. Riddled with irony and witty phrases, intelligent ideas and insightful notions, there were points in the book where after coming across a page, a chapter, a sentence or even a phrase would infuse me with pure pleasure that would make me stop and just plain savour, indulging in the moment where my mind would be suspended till the waves of pleasure ceased.

I remember one particular moment when I happened to be on the MRT. I happened to look up and saw an opened door. Framed through the door were the quickened steps of people and then it turned quiet. For a split second, I didn't know where I was. It was the strangest feeling.

The first thought that came to me was, this is 2009. George Orwell predicted a world, more than half a century ago and though it never came to pass, how real it seemed. Before my head shimmered back into this reality, I was lost.

The thing about 1984 wasn't so much a description about a dystopian world should communism have won. There were times when everything exist in my head. I could understand 'doublethink'. I know what it is. 2 + 2 = 5. I saw it together with the protagonist. The mind can be moulded and it can be consciously moulded by the self.

That's the scariest part because I didn't know how many people out there could feel Winston's love for Big Brother when he died. The book was written in the third person narrative. Perhaps many were tortured with him but for some reason, I hope that many too, experienced Winston's death and love along with him although there was also a phrase in 1984, 'Sanity is not statistical' that tells me that my notion should be defenestrated.

I would re-read the book. As much as O'Brien read into Winston's mind, I wonder if Orwell have read into mine. How dark the book was. For a scenario that never came to pass, it could have been superficial or myopic. Yet it was not, it was also about the baser nature of humans and could I have lived in such a world and survive? I wouldn't know.

Yet what's galling wasn't about not knowing if I would follow the footsteps of the dredges of humanity, what struck me was, it was perfectly fine for everybody in the novel to have done what they did. Even if it was a boot stamping on a human face - forever.

Hey Jupiter

I recently re-discovered Tori Amos. I thought this part of the lyrics from Hey Jupiter held a certain resonance.


Thought we both could use a friend
To run to
And I thought I wouldn't have to keep
With you
Hiding

And I thought you'd see with me
You wouldn't have to be something new

阿桑，一路好走

阿桑因癌症晚期病逝了。

我是在驾车回家的途中，通过收音机听到的。整个路途只有短短的六分钟凑巧让我听到了这则新闻。之后我的脑里一直回转来至《叶子》的一这段：

我一个人吃饭旅行到处走走停停

也一个人看书写信自己对话谈心

只是心又飘到了哪里

就连自己看也看不清

我想我不仅仅是失去你

她曾说，“我的坚强来自真实经历。”也曾表示，“人生是很难的，但不管怎样都还要走下去！我也一直在努力的珍惜活着的每一天。生命有再多的悲哀，能活着就是一种幸福，呼吸着，感受用手指触摸的快乐。黑暗虽然永远不会完全的消失但是在努力的不让它淹没自己就是一种快乐的胜利。

[Movie review]: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I watched the Curious Case of Benjamin Button yesterday at Jurong Point. Incidentally, with HSBC movie pre-paid card, it only costs $7.50 per ticket, which is value-for-money if you watch weekend shows.

The show had been lingering in my head. Benjamin Button, who ages backwards. To grow younger and watch everybody around you age. How does it feel to have everybody moving forward and yourself regress? I suppose if there must be a film that puts aging in a favourable light, this must be it.

The film celebrates many things. How life is a journey and even if we are not aware of it, we do learn through our experiences each day. How it is never too early nor too late if we can just appreciate the moment. I was reminded of the pain that going against social norms and of the natural way of things will bring, how nothing appears to last and yet maybe they do. Watching that on the big screen, it brings to mind my own. While I lament that nothing appears to last, maybe indeed they do. You can always choose to be strong and there is always a difference between resigning yourself to fate and stop railing at fate, letting things go and trying to make things better.

Beautiful plot. I haven't read the book but I know they have adapted it extremely well. Brilliant acting and filming. One of the best shows I have watched in a long while.

Nothing stops time, even if it runs backwards. Nothing.

I feel a need to make my life even more meaningful than it is now.

Decisions

I have decided on two things tonight:

1. I am going to get a DSLR (Canon 450d) at the upcoming IT fair in March.
2. I am going to Tibet and have found a travel kakki to go with in either June 2010 or 2011.

Yeah.. my mood is definitely picking up. =)

Cheap thrills: winning monopoly

Cheap thrills = winning Monopoly against the computer...

...three times in a row tonight...

The opening of Sephora

I am absolutely happy.

2 years ago when I was in France, I fell in love with Sephora. They are huge, it is like a make-up boutique except that it's bigger than any make-up stores I've seen. They have rows and rows of everything instead of a few shelves. Wonderful colours, shimmery powders and just shiny stuff.

Then word came that they were going to open here in Singapore. I finally saw it at Taka. today. The interior design follows closely to the stores I saw in France, black counters and shelves. I didn't have a chance to go in because my parents will not take very well to waiting around while I inspect each and everything in wide-eye amazement.

Ok I cannot wait...I simply must find an opportunity to hang around there.

I cannot believe it.. Sephora is here..the departmental store for make-up..truly, I don't think it has ever been done yet!

Non-inclusiveness in the global world

I just saw Gan's post on how some people would put something on platforms such as FB and MSN and yet be cryptic, shrug and say that they don't want to talk about it. I supposed she might have been referring to me in that entry.

Ah..JY and I ignored her question on FB and I shrugged and didn't want to explain last night. JY did the honours because I have just finished telling Lun about David's tragedy a day ago and I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

In fact telling Lun about it resulted in us both feeling very sad and I had to shut some part of myself so that I could relate the incident in a cold, clinical and detached way so as not to lose control in the Japanese restaurant.

I didn't think I would be able to have that much control to relate it again.

So why did JY and I use FB then. She wasn't on MSN that time. We did call each other to see what each other had but it got too difficult. Talking about it was hard, silence on the phone was equally unbearable when it feels as though we should say something and each had nothing to say. Hanging up on each other wasn't an option either when closure should always be gently introduced.

Maybe FB was right because it provided us with a platform where we could communicate with each other and yet not have to face each other directly. I don't think it was our top priority to announce to 400-over people that something was going on. Besides how do you explain death and pain like that without demeaning the tragedy itself?

Ah yes..perhaps most would think that because posting things on public platforms are not private, they should be inclusive.

But you can no more include the world than you can exclude yourself.

Sadness and grief has always been something private. We put on smiles for the world even if we feel our heart burdened with many a failings, many a regret, many a sadness.

Maybe questions aren't replied because not everything has to be inclusive and sadness isn't for everybody.

A tribute to Eva Cassidy

I just came back from Jazz @ Southbridge. One of the songs that the singer Alemay sang was "Autumn Leaves". I guess after hearing Eva Cassidy's rendition of the song, nothing could beat it, not even the original French version.

I came back and re-watched her Youtube videos. Still as touching as I remembered. I must have watched and listened to her countless times. I didn't think she would still be able to move me so.

Eva Cassidy has been dead for more than 10 years. Yet she is remembered fondly through the sincerity she expressed in her songs. She has also been gaining fans for didn't I stumble upon her and fell in love with her songs before I read up about her and realised that she wasn't around any more. Her songs seemed even more precious and poignant to me then. One timeless voice.

A lot of the comments left by people say that God must have wanted her to join the angels above, for her work here was done...how she lived inside her song. I know what that latter comment meant.

With most songs the songs is part of the singer, the songs never appear bigger than the singer themselves but with Eva Cassidy, her songs always feels like they are so much more than her as if they transcend almost everything, even Eva Cassidy herself.

In the wee hours of the morning, listening to her rendition of "Danny Boy" makes me feel a lot:

Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountainside.
The summer's gone, and all the roses (are) falling.
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.

But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow,
'Tis I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow.
Oh Danny Boy, Oh Danny Boy, I love you so.

But if you come and all the flow'rs are dying
And I am dead, as dead I well may be,
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an Ave there for me.

And I shall hear, though soft ye tread above me
And then my grave will warmer, sweeter be,
For you will bend and tell me that you love me,
And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me.


Alternative lyrics for last two lines:

And you'll not fail to tell me that you love me,
I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

Who and what determines who lives and dies?

I just came back from Rin's wedding in Sitiawan.

She fetched us to the bus station this morning. On the way there, she received a phone call regarding an accident. I was a bit taken aback by the questions she asked upon receiving the call, such as if the was bus badly mangled up, how many people died?

One of the guests had taken the bus last night. At the bus station, they were frantically calling around for news. When they got news that the accident did seem serious; the bus had collided with a tree, in my head I was envisioning a shattered windscreen, not a mangled metal mess of a bus.

The parents called when I was almost reaching the checkpoint. News had finally gotten to Singapore and they were worried that I was on the bus. They said it was bad but they didn't know if there was any Singaporeans involved. When I got back home and saw the pictures on the television, I was shocked.

I kept praying that Rin's friend was ok. I kept praying so hard. It simply never occurred to me that it would be that serious. The fates couldn't be that cruel. How could it be? He had just attended a joyous event - a wedding, for heaven's sake. How could it be so ironic, so cruel? It didn't seem right, not right at all....

I went out to buy the papers. I heaved a sigh of relief when the evening Chinese papers did not report his name, neither did the news on the internet. There was still hope, after all, one of the forums I turned up said that the dead were all Malaysians. Then came the 10 p.m news. A chill ran down my spine when the broadcaster reported out a Hongkonger who was a Singapore PR who works in the hospital...I couldn't catch the details, was he dead or were they merely trying to report the Singaporeans who were involved in the accident?

I only know that his name is David, his parents are in Hong Kong and he was on that bus, seated at the back.

I rushed to google for news. As I searched and read one report after another, I was still hoping that Rin's friend wasn't him. There could be another MO on the bus. Rin's friend could be Singaporean whose parents were vacationing in Hong Kong.

He was seated at the back after all, didn't they say that the impact was at the front?

Worried for Rin, I called her Singapore number, her Malaysian number as well as her best friend Xinyi. I also called Shupei. I reached their voice mails.

I swung from envisioning the worst-case scenario to telling myself to be optimistic by trying to tell myself that I am a pessimist. I didn't know if I was feeling worried and morose or calm but silly. Was David's last name Ho? How could it be? He was coming back from a wedding...he was seated at the back.

I slept at 2 a.m. and woke up at 6 a.m. I didn't know why either. I tried looking for news again but nothing turned up. I searched every few minutes while surfing about randomly. I went to sleep and around 10 a.m, JY messaged with a search result. His full name had came out in a HongKong news site.

"David Ho C.S, a Hong Kong resident, was a surgeon who practiced in a hospital in Singapore."What we didn't want to see come pass, did.

He was the only one out of the ten who died, the only one who wasn't a Malaysian. He was only 2 hours away from Singapore.

I don't know him personally but all of us should have came back safely. We had gone there together, we should have came back together too, all of us.

Waves of thoughts, feelings and despair keeps washing over me. But I don't want to contemplate about the fragility of life, even if it keeps threatening to engulf me again like it did before. I don't want to think about the lack of control we have over our lives. Who and what determines who lives and dies? Why is it so ironic, cruel and unfair?

No. Life cannot be that cruel. The dead must be in a better place if they are not here with us.

David, with all my heart, I'm certain that you are in heaven.