想到學生，想到明年將把一切都放下，我想我總會有些不捨。
學過，聽過的諺語俗語未曾那麼刻骨銘心過。其中最深的莫過於 ＂凡事豈能盡如人意，但只求無愧於心＂。
我想我終於鼓起了能對不起他人的勇氣，學會了如何善待自己。
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
2010 to 2011: Taking stock of life
It's 2011.
Someone told me that she thought I was a scatterbrain in 2010.
I do agree.
Looking back, I was lost in the hazy mists of 2010. It was a little dreary and I can't really recall what happened. That could be also due to the minimal blogging I have done in recent years.
With work, things were not exactly rosy. People gave each other a hard time and I can never understand why it must be so but it is depressing. I suppose I was on the tip of breaking down and maybe I did but as with many things, I am always late when it comes to realisation.
With relationships, halfway through the year, I opened up to new people because they were easier to hang around with. Not that I didn't love the old but the pretense of keeping up, pretending that everything was fine was getting too much so I closed up. Even then, there are always people who are more understanding so I guess I drifted away from others and give thanks for people who are still there when I finally learnt to make my way back.
We all mature at different speed and undergo different experiences at different life stages. If anything else, I never thought it was possible to feel even older than I thought I did with some of my friends but 2010 has been a dark awakening somehow even if it a little misty. With some people, I feel that I have aged even faster than I thought possible.
Feeling that way is a little scary because how much more idealism and innocence can I still afford to lose? But I was recently asked what I would have changed in my life and I realise that there is nothing I would change. Every little experience has shaped and moulded me into who I am today. Sometimes I do wish I was different and a little easier on myself but if I can't then I can only love myself. I can't choose where I was born nor my family nor the era and every little aspect which has shaped my youth has shaped my choices and affected my experience in life's journey since. I still buy the theory that even if I were to go back in time, with all my imperfect knowledge and character, I would still have made the same choices. Hindsight is always perfect. Yet I can't see how I would have turned out if I had chosen differently or changed certain experiences and that being the case, I can only choose to love myself for who I am today. I may not be satisfied with the person I am but I will indeed try to love myself, even if I had lost a great deal of innocence and idealism.
Someone told me I reminded him of soldiers who undertake increasingly dangerous missions in hope of killing themselves. It jolted me awake because I didn't think that it was that obvious but for a while I did feel like I was going on a nuclear implosion where I didn't mind if anything and everything was obliterated. Looking back now, even I find myself a little scary.
2010 was also a year of new things. I did scuba diving alone and went to Shanghai and Hangzhou alone. There were people there but crossing paths is not exactly the same as heading there alone, isn't it? I found comfort in solace and it is where I return to when I need it. I've learnt to do many more things alone. It wasn't something I had set out to accomplish but much like being able to find pleasure in reading, I am glad that I can.
Despite many ugly incidents and ugly people encountered and where I could have been even more screwed up but am not, for that I give thanks and still believe that someone must have been watching out for me.
What's in for 2011?
I am hoping for Bali in March and Tibet in June. I will try to take better care of myself in every way, hoping to run again, do more music and reconstruct my social life as well as push myself more. I will try to blog more. It is a good way to document, remember and learn. I will try to live more. I have been trying but in actual fact, for quite some time, I was trying to keep my head above water more than really enjoying living. And so I will try to do more swimming especially since I can barely do a lap and hopefully learn how to tread water. That will probably help in my diving too. I will try with more new things and be good, of course. I am feeling a little more in control now and so I do really believe that a great 2011 awaits. =)
Someone told me that she thought I was a scatterbrain in 2010.
I do agree.
Looking back, I was lost in the hazy mists of 2010. It was a little dreary and I can't really recall what happened. That could be also due to the minimal blogging I have done in recent years.
With work, things were not exactly rosy. People gave each other a hard time and I can never understand why it must be so but it is depressing. I suppose I was on the tip of breaking down and maybe I did but as with many things, I am always late when it comes to realisation.
With relationships, halfway through the year, I opened up to new people because they were easier to hang around with. Not that I didn't love the old but the pretense of keeping up, pretending that everything was fine was getting too much so I closed up. Even then, there are always people who are more understanding so I guess I drifted away from others and give thanks for people who are still there when I finally learnt to make my way back.
We all mature at different speed and undergo different experiences at different life stages. If anything else, I never thought it was possible to feel even older than I thought I did with some of my friends but 2010 has been a dark awakening somehow even if it a little misty. With some people, I feel that I have aged even faster than I thought possible.
Feeling that way is a little scary because how much more idealism and innocence can I still afford to lose? But I was recently asked what I would have changed in my life and I realise that there is nothing I would change. Every little experience has shaped and moulded me into who I am today. Sometimes I do wish I was different and a little easier on myself but if I can't then I can only love myself. I can't choose where I was born nor my family nor the era and every little aspect which has shaped my youth has shaped my choices and affected my experience in life's journey since. I still buy the theory that even if I were to go back in time, with all my imperfect knowledge and character, I would still have made the same choices. Hindsight is always perfect. Yet I can't see how I would have turned out if I had chosen differently or changed certain experiences and that being the case, I can only choose to love myself for who I am today. I may not be satisfied with the person I am but I will indeed try to love myself, even if I had lost a great deal of innocence and idealism.
Someone told me I reminded him of soldiers who undertake increasingly dangerous missions in hope of killing themselves. It jolted me awake because I didn't think that it was that obvious but for a while I did feel like I was going on a nuclear implosion where I didn't mind if anything and everything was obliterated. Looking back now, even I find myself a little scary.
2010 was also a year of new things. I did scuba diving alone and went to Shanghai and Hangzhou alone. There were people there but crossing paths is not exactly the same as heading there alone, isn't it? I found comfort in solace and it is where I return to when I need it. I've learnt to do many more things alone. It wasn't something I had set out to accomplish but much like being able to find pleasure in reading, I am glad that I can.
Despite many ugly incidents and ugly people encountered and where I could have been even more screwed up but am not, for that I give thanks and still believe that someone must have been watching out for me.
What's in for 2011?
I am hoping for Bali in March and Tibet in June. I will try to take better care of myself in every way, hoping to run again, do more music and reconstruct my social life as well as push myself more. I will try to blog more. It is a good way to document, remember and learn. I will try to live more. I have been trying but in actual fact, for quite some time, I was trying to keep my head above water more than really enjoying living. And so I will try to do more swimming especially since I can barely do a lap and hopefully learn how to tread water. That will probably help in my diving too. I will try with more new things and be good, of course. I am feeling a little more in control now and so I do really believe that a great 2011 awaits. =)
Monday, November 15, 2010
假動作
假動作
作曲／編曲：黃韻仁"
作词：小寒
要不是他在眼前對你的愛憐
我想愛你的心將持續冬眠
夢被叫醒如何能疏遠
要不是你在耳邊對我吐真言
我想我會怎樣和你沒關聯
從此連見到你的臉 也能免則免
我明白知覺
會因為視覺聽覺觸覺產生錯覺
於是要你誤解
也不要你瞭解
揮揮手（放開你）只是 假動作
掩飾我 我深愛過的線索
不該無理剝奪
該你的幸福結果
就算冷漠是 假動作
沒有錯 我背負心碎藏躲
獨自人海漂泊
為的只是要你能忘了我
要不是我開始在深陷的邊緣
沒想到那麼快就必須棄權
割捨所有的可能不允許剩一點
兩人禁不起流言的挑撥
感情體質虛弱
人的骨子裡難免有許多
痛和不妥 盡量躲過
才能好好生活
嘿 請你忘了我
作曲／編曲：黃韻仁"
作词：小寒
要不是他在眼前對你的愛憐
我想愛你的心將持續冬眠
夢被叫醒如何能疏遠
要不是你在耳邊對我吐真言
我想我會怎樣和你沒關聯
從此連見到你的臉 也能免則免
我明白知覺
會因為視覺聽覺觸覺產生錯覺
於是要你誤解
也不要你瞭解
揮揮手（放開你）只是 假動作
掩飾我 我深愛過的線索
不該無理剝奪
該你的幸福結果
就算冷漠是 假動作
沒有錯 我背負心碎藏躲
獨自人海漂泊
為的只是要你能忘了我
要不是我開始在深陷的邊緣
沒想到那麼快就必須棄權
割捨所有的可能不允許剩一點
兩人禁不起流言的挑撥
感情體質虛弱
人的骨子裡難免有許多
痛和不妥 盡量躲過
才能好好生活
嘿 請你忘了我
我一直都很喜歡小寒的詞。這句‘我明白知覺會因為視覺聽覺觸覺產生錯覺，於是要你誤解也不要你瞭解’令我印象深刻， 所以就搜尋了這首歌也發現了原來這首歌是有它的典故。
對於這首歌的詞解, 小寒的博客(寒語詞點)是這麼寫著。 。
“人的骨子裡難免有許多，痛和不妥，盡量躲過，才能好好生活。“
這是兩個高中生阿叮和大衛，加上一個同校女生鈴鐺的真實故事。
大衛是個壞男孩；鈴鐺是個書呆子，根本不是大衛的菜。大衛追鈴鐺，完全出自於新鮮感。
阿叮是大衛美式足球的隊友，安靜卻講義氣，處處為大衛解圍，也處處為大衛想辦法追到他看上的女生。鈴鐺所認識的阿叮，是從大衛嘴裡聽說的。大衛說，阿叮是個萬人迷。可是在鈴鐺看來，阿叮是個獨行俠，除了偶而跟大衛混在一起，他都靠在校舍欄桿吹風、看書。
阿叮和鈴鐺唸的學科大多相同，上下課的時間較相近，兩人碰面卻從未說話。大衛之所以知道鈴鐺出現的時間、地點，全靠阿叮知會。阿叮所不知道的是，自己藏在對面座校舍的蹤跡，凝望著她的舉動，已被鈴鐺發現。特別是在鈴鐺躲在秘密角落掉眼淚時，阿叮更是徘徊不去。可惜阿叮並沒有現身，最後還是選擇把大衛叫來，安慰鈴鐺。
層層精彩的攻勢，讓鈴鐺心動，終於答應和大衛出去玩。雖然鈴鐺喜歡阿叮。卻從一直沒和阿叮單獨相處的機會。她就只能遠遠地，用仰慕的心情看著他。
阿叮也從沒跟鈴鐺說過一句話，卻偏偏在傳球給大衛時，總會喊著鈴鐺的名字當暗號。激烈的球賽中，聽到兩個男生一直喊自己的名字，讓鈴鐺更是有些錯亂、丈二金剛摸不著頭腦。
終於有一次三人碰面，趁大衛上廁所的當兒，阿叮終於開口，尷尬地說了聲“嗨。” 鈴鐺不知何故，冒出了一句：“你知道我們還不是男女朋友…” 還沒說完剛好大衛出來，阿叮趁機對他說自己有事先走了。走時，連鈴鐺也不多看一眼。
不知是害怕別人的流言，還是出自於一個朋友的義務，從此阿叮刻意避開可能碰到鈴鐺的地點，即使不小心碰到，也裝著不認識。
後來鈴鐺沒有跟大衛在一起，阿叮也結婚了。
球場上的假動作，騙過了青春，要大家把頭別過去， 看不到可能發生的事也埋了一切可能。
最後一句寫得非常好。 。 。 ‘騙過了青春，要大家把頭別過去， 看不到可能發生的事也埋了一切可能’。它淡淡的帶出了青春所剩的遺憾，人生中種種的無法控制也無法解釋的韻味；惟獨有盡量的躲過骨子裡的痛和不妥才能好好生活。
好切實的一句話, 不是嗎？我們人生中又有多少的假動作是出自於無理頭的保護信念？甚至不清楚是保護他人, 自我保護，還是只不過是傻瓜式的为了一心想要維持現狀。 。 。
Friday, November 5, 2010
休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。
西江月 平山堂
三过平山堂下，半生弹指声中。
十年不见老仙翁，壁上龙蛇飞动。
欲吊文章太守，仍歌杨柳春风。
休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。
三过平山堂下，半生弹指声中。
十年不见老仙翁，壁上龙蛇飞动。
欲吊文章太守，仍歌杨柳春风。
休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。
白居易说：“百年随手过，万事转头空”。苏轼则比之有更深层次的认识：“休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦”。欧公仙逝了，固然一切皆空，而活在世上的人，又何尝不是在梦中，终归一切空无。不要轻言东坡消极，或许正是心怀此念，他才得以坦然面对纷至沓来的政治打击：人生既然不过虚幻，政治失意与挫折，算得什么呢？故而陈廷焯《白雨斋词话》卷六云：“‘休言万事转头空。未转头时皆梦’追进一层，唤醒痴愚不少。”
苏轼受佛家思想影响颇深，习惯用佛家的色空观念看待事物。白居易诗云“百年随手过，万事转头空”，苏轼则更进一步认识到“休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。”这种对整体人生的空幻、悔悟、淡漠感，这种携带某种禅意玄思的人生偶然的感喟，其中深深地埋藏着某种要求彻底解脱的出世意念。苏词中传达的这种独特的人生态度，是解读其作品的关键所在。
友人最近在和我谈话中送了我一句: “休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦”。是啊！既然百年随手过，万事转头空，休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。最近也在看作家村上春樹 (Haruki Murakami) 的短篇小说, 有一篇也刚巧描绘了这一点。
现在的我又怎么知道此时此刻的我不是处于一段梦竟。。。
可是我为何感觉有如庄周。。。不知勤之梦为胡蝶与？胡蝶之梦为勤与？
又或许一场春蝶之梦本皆空。。。百年随手过，万事转头空，人生也不过如此而已。。。
苏轼受佛家思想影响颇深，习惯用佛家的色空观念看待事物。白居易诗云“百年随手过，万事转头空”，苏轼则更进一步认识到“休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。”这种对整体人生的空幻、悔悟、淡漠感，这种携带某种禅意玄思的人生偶然的感喟，其中深深地埋藏着某种要求彻底解脱的出世意念。苏词中传达的这种独特的人生态度，是解读其作品的关键所在。
~baike.baidu.com/view/867074.htm
友人最近在和我谈话中送了我一句: “休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦”。是啊！既然百年随手过，万事转头空，休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。最近也在看作家村上春樹 (Haruki Murakami) 的短篇小说, 有一篇也刚巧描绘了这一点。
现在的我又怎么知道此时此刻的我不是处于一段梦竟。。。
可是我为何感觉有如庄周。。。不知勤之梦为胡蝶与？胡蝶之梦为勤与？
又或许一场春蝶之梦本皆空。。。百年随手过，万事转头空，人生也不过如此而已。。。
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
[Book review]: Her Fearful Symmetry
Audrey Niffenegger, the author of The Time Traveler's Wife. That was what prompted me to pick up Her Fearful Symmetry.
I prefer The Time Traveler's Wife, it is more refreshing and intricately put together. Her Fearful Symmetry pales in comparison on closing the book, or so I thought. However the title was apt. I read that book idly, whenever I could find a breather in my hectic schedule. I finished it a couple of hours before bed time. While I slowly dozed off, there was a nuance in the plot that struck me. I froze and was jolted into full consciousness. For a split moment, I was filled with terror, much like an empty jug with water. I could feel the horror at the realisation of the extent we could go to sabotage and manipulate the lives of someone we can claim to love.
Spoiler alert:
Did Elspeth get herself pregnant on purpose so she would never be forgotten by her twin? That seems to match the hints in the beginning of the book when she mentioned how dying is like being erased. It seems as though the focus was on the twins, how they interacted with the various characters in the story but Elspeth was the strong silent focal point, she seemed to be overshadowed or sharing the stage at best but it is her I end up wondering about, even after I have closed the book.
The book is on obsession, on love? When we talk about loving other people, is it a mere extension or projection of the massive selfish love we have for ourselves?
Her Fearful Symmetry appears lacklustre at first but the darkness grows. I have to admit that in terms of writing, Audrey Niffenegger excels and as time progresses and I am allowed to digest the book, I retract my hasty judgement. The story slowly seeps in. The subtle layering grows increasingly evident, where each character has their purpose and multi-dimentional complexities, allowing you to question and wonder. It was impossible for me to love any one of them or hate any one of them and I laud Audrey Niffenegger for that.
It took me some time but I reach the conclusion that Her Fearful Symmetry is a brillant piece, in a different league from The Time Traveller's Wife. At least when you close the book, the take-away feeling is different, it was almost like they were from two separate authors. Her Fearful Symmetry lies on my shelf and it is as though the characters continues to live and breathe. They remain indelible in the realms of my imagination everytime I happen to glance upon that book.
I prefer The Time Traveler's Wife, it is more refreshing and intricately put together. Her Fearful Symmetry pales in comparison on closing the book, or so I thought. However the title was apt. I read that book idly, whenever I could find a breather in my hectic schedule. I finished it a couple of hours before bed time. While I slowly dozed off, there was a nuance in the plot that struck me. I froze and was jolted into full consciousness. For a split moment, I was filled with terror, much like an empty jug with water. I could feel the horror at the realisation of the extent we could go to sabotage and manipulate the lives of someone we can claim to love.
Spoiler alert:
Did Elspeth get herself pregnant on purpose so she would never be forgotten by her twin? That seems to match the hints in the beginning of the book when she mentioned how dying is like being erased. It seems as though the focus was on the twins, how they interacted with the various characters in the story but Elspeth was the strong silent focal point, she seemed to be overshadowed or sharing the stage at best but it is her I end up wondering about, even after I have closed the book.
The book is on obsession, on love? When we talk about loving other people, is it a mere extension or projection of the massive selfish love we have for ourselves?
Her Fearful Symmetry appears lacklustre at first but the darkness grows. I have to admit that in terms of writing, Audrey Niffenegger excels and as time progresses and I am allowed to digest the book, I retract my hasty judgement. The story slowly seeps in. The subtle layering grows increasingly evident, where each character has their purpose and multi-dimentional complexities, allowing you to question and wonder. It was impossible for me to love any one of them or hate any one of them and I laud Audrey Niffenegger for that.
It took me some time but I reach the conclusion that Her Fearful Symmetry is a brillant piece, in a different league from The Time Traveller's Wife. At least when you close the book, the take-away feeling is different, it was almost like they were from two separate authors. Her Fearful Symmetry lies on my shelf and it is as though the characters continues to live and breathe. They remain indelible in the realms of my imagination everytime I happen to glance upon that book.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Bag of veined pulsing flesh
And then I feel like eating myself from the ankles up
so that I can turn myself inside out.
My humanity would be hidden with skin
while the world flees in terror
only to give me solitude within.
(2009)
so that I can turn myself inside out.
My humanity would be hidden with skin
while the world flees in terror
only to give me solitude within.
(2009)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)