Miss Ang says:

2010 to 2011: Taking stock of life

2011-01-04T02:43:00.004+08:00

It's 2011.

Someone told me that she thought I was a scatterbrain in 2010.

I do agree.

Looking back, I was lost in the hazy mists of 2010. It was a little dreary and I can't really recall what happened. That could be also due to the minimal blogging I have done in recent years.

With work, things were not exactly rosy. People gave each other a hard time and I can never understand why it must be so but it is depressing. I suppose I was on the tip of breaking down and maybe I did but as with many things, I am always late when it comes to realisation.

With relationships, halfway through the year, I opened up to new people because they were easier to hang around with. Not that I didn't love the old but the pretense of keeping up, pretending that everything was fine was getting too much so I closed up. Even then, there are always people who are more understanding so I guess I drifted away from others and give thanks for people who are still there when I finally learnt to make my way back.

We all mature at different speed and undergo different experiences at different life stages. If anything else, I never thought it was possible to feel even older than I thought I did with some of my friends but 2010 has been a dark awakening somehow even if it a little misty. With some people, I feel that I have aged even faster than I thought possible.

Feeling that way is a little scary because how much more idealism and innocence can I still afford to lose? But I was recently asked what I would have changed in my life and I realise that there is nothing I would change. Every little experience has shaped and moulded me into who I am today. Sometimes I do wish I was different and a little easier on myself but if I can't then I can only love myself. I can't choose where I was born nor my family nor the era and every little aspect which has shaped my youth has shaped my choices and affected my experience in life's journey since. I still buy the theory that even if I were to go back in time, with all my imperfect knowledge and character, I would still have made the same choices. Hindsight is always perfect. Yet I can't see how I would have turned out if I had chosen differently or changed certain experiences and that being the case, I can only choose to love myself for who I am today. I may not be satisfied with the person I am but I will indeed try to love myself, even if I had lost a great deal of innocence and idealism.

Someone told me I reminded him of soldiers who undertake increasingly dangerous missions in hope of killing themselves. It jolted me awake because I didn't think that it was that obvious but for a while I did feel like I was going on a nuclear implosion where I didn't mind if anything and everything was obliterated. Looking back now, even I find myself a little scary.

2010 was also a year of new things. I did scuba diving alone and went to Shanghai and Hangzhou alone. There were people there but crossing paths is not exactly the same as heading there alone, isn't it? I found comfort in solace and it is where I return to when I need it. I've learnt to do many more things alone. It wasn't something I had set out to accomplish but much like being able to find pleasure in reading, I am glad that I can.

Despite many ugly incidents and ugly people encountered and where I could have been even more screwed up but am not, for that I give thanks and still believe that someone must have been watching out for me.

What's in for 2011?

I am hoping for Bali in March and Tibet in June. I will try to take better care of myself in every way, hoping to run again, do more music and reconstruct my social life as well as push myself more. I will try to blog more. It is a good way to document, remember and learn. I will try to live more. I have been trying but in actual fact, for quite some time, I was trying to keep my head above water more than really enjoying living. And so I will try to do more swimming especially since I can barely do a lap and hopefully learn how to tread water. That will probably help in my diving too. I will try with more new things and be good, of course. I am feeling a little more in control now and so I do really believe that a great 2011 awaits. =)

假動作

2010-11-15T02:19:00.005+08:00

假動作

作曲／編曲：黃韻仁"
作词：小寒

要不是他在眼前對你的愛憐
我想愛你的心將持續冬眠
夢被叫醒如何能疏遠

要不是你在耳邊對我吐真言
我想我會怎樣和你沒關聯
從此連見到你的臉也能免則免

我明白知覺
會因為視覺聽覺觸覺產生錯覺
於是要你誤解
也不要你瞭解

揮揮手（放開你）只是假動作
掩飾我我深愛過的線索
不該無理剝奪
該你的幸福結果

就算冷漠是假動作
沒有錯我背負心碎藏躲
獨自人海漂泊
為的只是要你能忘了我

要不是我開始在深陷的邊緣
沒想到那麼快就必須棄權
割捨所有的可能不允許剩一點

兩人禁不起流言的挑撥
感情體質虛弱
人的骨子裡難免有許多
痛和不妥盡量躲過
才能好好生活

嘿請你忘了我

我一直都很喜歡小寒的詞。這句‘我明白知覺會因為視覺聽覺觸覺產生錯覺，於是要你誤解也不要你瞭解’令我印象深刻，所以就搜尋了這首歌也發現了原來這首歌是有它的典故。

對於這首歌的詞解,　小寒的博客(寒語詞點)是這麼寫著。。

“人的骨子裡難免有許多，痛和不妥，盡量躲過，才能好好生活。“

這是兩個高中生阿叮和大衛，加上一個同校女生鈴鐺的真實故事。

大衛是個壞男孩；鈴鐺是個書呆子，根本不是大衛的菜。大衛追鈴鐺，完全出自於新鮮感。

阿叮是大衛美式足球的隊友，安靜卻講義氣，處處為大衛解圍，也處處為大衛想辦法追到他看上的女生。鈴鐺所認識的阿叮，是從大衛嘴裡聽說的。大衛說，阿叮是個萬人迷。可是在鈴鐺看來，阿叮是個獨行俠，除了偶而跟大衛混在一起，他都靠在校舍欄桿吹風、看書。

阿叮和鈴鐺唸的學科大多相同，上下課的時間較相近，兩人碰面卻從未說話。大衛之所以知道鈴鐺出現的時間、地點，全靠阿叮知會。阿叮所不知道的是，自己藏在對面座校舍的蹤跡，凝望著她的舉動，已被鈴鐺發現。特別是在鈴鐺躲在秘密角落掉眼淚時，阿叮更是徘徊不去。可惜阿叮並沒有現身，最後還是選擇把大衛叫來，安慰鈴鐺。

層層精彩的攻勢，讓鈴鐺心動，終於答應和大衛出去玩。雖然鈴鐺喜歡阿叮。卻從一直沒和阿叮單獨相處的機會。她就只能遠遠地，用仰慕的心情看著他。

阿叮也從沒跟鈴鐺說過一句話，卻偏偏在傳球給大衛時，總會喊著鈴鐺的名字當暗號。激烈的球賽中，聽到兩個男生一直喊自己的名字，讓鈴鐺更是有些錯亂、丈二金剛摸不著頭腦。

終於有一次三人碰面，趁大衛上廁所的當兒，阿叮終於開口，尷尬地說了聲“嗨。” 鈴鐺不知何故，冒出了一句：“你知道我們還不是男女朋友…” 還沒說完剛好大衛出來，阿叮趁機對他說自己有事先走了。走時，連鈴鐺也不多看一眼。

不知是害怕別人的流言，還是出自於一個朋友的義務，從此阿叮刻意避開可能碰到鈴鐺的地點，即使不小心碰到，也裝著不認識。

後來鈴鐺沒有跟大衛在一起，阿叮也結婚了。

球場上的假動作，騙過了青春，要大家把頭別過去，看不到可能發生的事也埋了一切可能。

最後一句寫得非常好。。。 ‘騙過了青春，要大家把頭別過去，看不到可能發生的事也埋了一切可能’。它淡淡的帶出了青春所剩的遺憾，人生中種種的無法控制也無法解釋的韻味；惟獨有盡量的躲過骨子裡的痛和不妥才能好好生活。

好切實的一句話,　不是嗎？我們人生中又有多少的假動作是出自於無理頭的保護信念？甚至不清楚是保護他人, 自我保護，還是只不過是傻瓜式的为了一心想要維持現狀。。。

休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。

2010-11-05T23:24:00.000+08:00

西江月　　平山堂
　　
三过平山堂下，半生弹指声中。
十年不见老仙翁，壁上龙蛇飞动。　　
欲吊文章太守，仍歌杨柳春风。
休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。

白居易说：“百年随手过，万事转头空”。苏轼则比之有更深层次的认识：“休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦”。欧公仙逝了，固然一切皆空，而活在世上的人，又何尝不是在梦中，终归一切空无。不要轻言东坡消极，或许正是心怀此念，他才得以坦然面对纷至沓来的政治打击：人生既然不过虚幻，政治失意与挫折，算得什么呢？故而陈廷焯《白雨斋词话》卷六云：“‘休言万事转头空。未转头时皆梦’追进一层，唤醒痴愚不少。”

苏轼受佛家思想影响颇深，习惯用佛家的色空观念看待事物。白居易诗云“百年随手过，万事转头空”，苏轼则更进一步认识到“休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。”这种对整体人生的空幻、悔悟、淡漠感，这种携带某种禅意玄思的人生偶然的感喟，其中深深地埋藏着某种要求彻底解脱的出世意念。苏词中传达的这种独特的人生态度，是解读其作品的关键所在。

~baike.baidu.com/view/867074.htm

友人最近在和我谈话中送了我一句: “休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦”。是啊！既然百年随手过，万事转头空，休言万事转头空，未转头时是梦。最近也在看作家村上春樹 (Haruki Murakami) 的短篇小说, 有一篇也刚巧描绘了这一点。

现在的我又怎么知道此时此刻的我不是处于一段梦竟。。。

可是我为何感觉有如庄周。。。不知勤之梦为胡蝶与？胡蝶之梦为勤与？

又或许一场春蝶之梦本皆空。。。百年随手过，万事转头空，人生也不过如此而已。。。

[Book review]: Her Fearful Symmetry

2010-09-08T01:38:00.001+08:00

Audrey Niffenegger, the author of The Time Traveler's Wife. That was what prompted me to pick up Her Fearful Symmetry.

I prefer The Time Traveler's Wife, it is more refreshing and intricately put together. Her Fearful Symmetry pales in comparison on closing the book, or so I thought. However the title was apt. I read that book idly, whenever I could find a breather in my hectic schedule. I finished it a couple of hours before bed time. While I slowly dozed off, there was a nuance in the plot that struck me. I froze and was jolted into full consciousness. For a split moment, I was filled with terror, much like an empty jug with water. I could feel the horror at the realisation of the extent we could go to sabotage and manipulate the lives of someone we can claim to love.

Spoiler alert:
Did Elspeth get herself pregnant on purpose so she would never be forgotten by her twin? That seems to match the hints in the beginning of the book when she mentioned how dying is like being erased. It seems as though the focus was on the twins, how they interacted with the various characters in the story but Elspeth was the strong silent focal point, she seemed to be overshadowed or sharing the stage at best but it is her I end up wondering about, even after I have closed the book.

The book is on obsession, on love? When we talk about loving other people, is it a mere extension or projection of the massive selfish love we have for ourselves?

Her Fearful Symmetry appears lacklustre at first but the darkness grows. I have to admit that in terms of writing, Audrey Niffenegger excels and as time progresses and I am allowed to digest the book, I retract my hasty judgement. The story slowly seeps in. The subtle layering grows increasingly evident, where each character has their purpose and multi-dimentional complexities, allowing you to question and wonder. It was impossible for me to love any one of them or hate any one of them and I laud Audrey Niffenegger for that.

It took me some time but I reach the conclusion that Her Fearful Symmetry is a brillant piece, in a different league from The Time Traveller's Wife. At least when you close the book, the take-away feeling is different, it was almost like they were from two separate authors. Her Fearful Symmetry lies on my shelf and it is as though the characters continues to live and breathe. They remain indelible in the realms of my imagination everytime I happen to glance upon that book.

迷魂

2010-05-15T01:18:00.002+08:00

墓石生青苔
鼓聲敲碎回憶錄
回音一刻劃心
磨滅溫柔
不停問
誰又在遠方煙雨楚楚處?

(2010)

Bag of veined pulsing flesh

2010-02-11T22:47:00.003+08:00

And then I feel like eating myself from the ankles up
so that I can turn myself inside out.
My humanity would be hidden with skin
while the world flees in terror
only to give me solitude within.

(2009)

On starting work in 2010

2010-01-05T20:26:00.000+08:00

And so school for 2010 has started. I was relatively calmer compared to last year although I still lost sleep even though I didn't feel stressed at all.

After doing a stock check of my life, it is of great comfort to me to have an affirmation that I still love my job. However, these past few days, I've also realised that I love sleep more. Unfortunately, being a professional sleeper is not a recognised vocation.... and I do it so very well......

I hope that this year will be a good year, for one and all.

Repatriation of Hmongs

2009-12-23T15:18:00.005+08:00

I was lounging on the chair idly, watching CNA when I caught sight of the scrolling words at the bottom of the screen. Thailand is planning to repatriate 4000 Hmongs back to Lao PDR. (Incidentally, it is not Laos but Lao PDR. There have been many gross misrepresentations of the name in the media. It would be good to not perpetuate it further if possible.)

Anyway, I was reading Refugee Manipulation not so long ago. 4000 refugees doesn't seem a lot when you compare it to a mass exodus of refugee in times of crisis. Two schools-worth of people, maybe?

When you are a refugee, you are meat. The term 'refugee' alone, grants you the status of a victim, you are merely waiting for a bully to appear. The Hmongs, now they are really a sad lot for an ethnic group.

After being recruited by the U.S to fight in the 'secret war' against the Vietnamese, the Hmongs are now 'betrayed' after dying for the U.S geopolitical interest. Shepherded around without autonomy, being told by entities that it is safe to go back now, being used and then thrown away.

How safe is it to be repatriated really? How much has been forgotten?

The Vietnam War ended in 1976. It has been at least 30 years. Babies born in refugee camps are now adults and would consider the area that they reside in, home. There have been accounts of brutal treatments after repatriation. It is possible that stories could have been made up because refugees simply don't want to be uprooted and repatriated.

Refugees may also not want to be repatriated because there is a chance that they can be granted refugee status in developed countries. There could be one or two who wouldn't mind telling a horror story so that they can move on to the U.S. Mind you, I am just speculating. Undeniably, refugees face a tremendous amount of stress and pressure with a life of restriction and uncertainty.

That brings to mind the issue of human rights, which I have always found to be a bucket of hogwash under close scrutiny.

Whose rights do you uphold? Don't the Hmongs have a right to a healthy life and mind free from threats? Yet these same rights infringe upon the rights of the Thais. Don't the Thais have a right to their land and a peaceful, healthy life free from stress too?

On a sidenote, as recent as 2007, a plot of Hmongs planning to overthrow the Lao government was discovered and there are still resistance efforts by the Hmongs in Lao. Looking back on the efforts made to crush the ethnic group, it would be nothing short of a miracle if they ever succeed.

How much responsibility do the countries involved in a war half a century ago have? How long do they need to continue the obligations for, especially when a problem like this does not have an easy solution.

I guess sometimes all the options are wrong and we just have to do what we believe is needed. If a clash ensues, all we can hope for is that the end result will be one of lesser evil and we are strong enough to weather the storm and shoulder the consequences, hoping that in time, people will forget. If nothing else, we are pretty good at that.

[ Book review ]: Refugee Manipulation

2009-12-21T01:00:00.005+08:00

Since World War II, refugee organizations have faced a recurrent challenge: the manipulation of refugees by warring parties to further their own aims. Some armies in civil wars, facing military defeat, use refugees as assets to establish the international legitimacy of their cause, treat refugee camps as sanctuaries and recruitment pools, and limit access to refugees to ensure that they will not repatriate.
Focusing on the geopolitical security environment surrounding militarized camps and the response of humanitarian agencies, the contributors to this volume examine the ways armed groups manipulate refugees and how and why international actors assist their manipulation. They then offer suggestions for reducing the ability of such groups to use the suffering of refugees to their own advantage.
The contributors examine three cases: Cambodian refugees along the Thai border in the 1970s and 1980s, Afghan refugees in Pakistan in the 1980s and 1990s, and Rwandan refugees in Eastern Zaire from 1994-96. They argue that refugee manipulation occurs because warring parties gain resources in their fight for power and other actors--often the host government and regional and major powers--encourage and support it. Manipulation is allowed to occur because the international refugee regime and major states have not identified a consistent approach to stopping it. In the post-Cold War era the United Nations and its members have chosen to treat the issue as a humanitarian problem instead of a security problem.
As the contributors make clear, however, manipulation of refugees has important ramifications for international security, turning some civil wars into larger protracted regional wars. They argue that the geopolitics of refugee manipulation leads to sanguine conclusions about stopping it. Solutions must change the moral, political, and strategic calculations of states that are implicated in the manipulation. As long as the problem is not deemed a security threat, refugee organizations must choose between assistance that prolongs war or walking away from millions who deserve help.
Contributors include Howard Adelman (York University), Frederic Grare (Centre des Sciences Humaines, New Delhi), Margaret McGuinness (Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton, and Garrison), Stephen John Stedman (Stanford University), Fred Tanner (Geneva Centre for Security Policy), and Daniel Unger (Northern Illinois University).

Sometimes, we cannot return to innocence no matter how hard we try. Refugee Manipulation is a such a book that allows readers to see things in a different light. The book examines three main refugee crisis. The Cambodian refugees in Thailand, the Afghan refugees in Pakistan and the Rwandan refugees in Zaire.

When I was very young, I naively believed that when people didn't help in times of crisis, it was because they lack the information to or perhaps they couldn't. When I got older, in the case of Rwanda, I thought that the UN failed to act because nobody had any vested interest in that country. It is not that simple.

When it came to Cambodia, I thought that it was the expulsion of foreigners and the unawareness of political leaders regarding the seriousness of the situation that led to the disturbing conditions. I thought that the issue of refugees were simple. I was vastly wrong.

Sometimes the UN finds itself in a difficult situation because refugee camps may sometimes be places where warring parties regroup to prolong conflict and rendering aid to the camps pave the way for more unrest. Withdrawing aid on the other hand is not humanitarian. Yet it is not easy to control food and aid distribution. One may distribute food to children and women but who is to stop men from laying hands on them?

The UN may also be a group of countries but it is not above politics. Sometimes refugees are forced to cluster in a certain area, typically near borders so that they can form a buffer against further expansion. Such was the case for Cambodians seeking refuge in Thailand. I already knew parts of it from earlier readings but I had not managed to piece anything together. As I am not a History major and am still doing leisure reading, my knowledge may not be entirely correct but I would attempt to give my little perspective garnered so people may understand why this book is an insightful read.

The Cold War was a difficult era. Simply put it, it was between the capitalist and communist countries.To summarise what I know and recall from all sorts of books and readings over the years, Vietnam, Lao and Cambodia used to be a French colony. The area was called Indochine. However in politics, there are no permanent friends. In fact, as I know more about how politics work, I don't think friends is apt. It is more of the case where there are no permanent allies. Between countries, there is no 'feel-good' factor to maintain relationships, the only consideration is interest.

After the end of World War II, Indochine was eventually granted independence (after much difficulty and fighting). Of course, with any emerging nations, the question of political ideology would be first and foremost. Colonial masters seem to like dividing nations. Somehow or rather, (for simplicity sake) North Vietnam was communist-backed and South Vietnam was capitalist-backed since a communist-dominated region wouldn't be good for America's interest.

The Soviet Union who was supposed to be chummy with China due to certain reasons that I shall not go into here, wasn't any more. China found itself surrounded by no political friends. USSR was on top. On the East side, there was Japan. Not to mention, North and South Korea was probably having a similar problem around that time. Let's leave out countries on the West of China, such as India. Communist Vietnam was chummier with the USSR than China. I knew that from before. It is thus not surprising when I happened to read that China sold weapons to Cambodian refugees so that they could rise up against the Vietnamese.

(I was too lazy to find a better map but Cambodia is right under Lao, between Vietnam and Thailand. Anyway Viet forces were also pushing its way into Lao)

What better than refugee camps to breed dissent? Such was also the case in Rwanda, perhaps more so.

When all was worried about Vietnamese expansion in Southeast Asia, maybe on hindsight now after reading Refugee Manipulation, I shouldn't be so surprised after all that Thailand was willing to have Cambodians as a buffer at the border. After all, it also wouldn't do to have Cambodians feeling safe and comfortable and ending up drawing even more refugees into Thailand. What shocked me was the willingness and participation by many countries to keep refugees in refugees camps at the borders for their political interest through dangling food and aid. "In many cases, the Thai military put pressure on Cambodians to return to the border to join anti-Vietnamese resistance." (pg 44)

Conditions in refugee camps are more often than not, complicated, messy and dismal. Sometimes, Thai guards would even request women from the refugee camps. People often had not enough to eat. Most of the time, even if aid was rendered, they do not reach the needy. And yet, do you render aid, even if you suspect that the bulk of it is siphoned off by unethical middlemen and dealers or even to possible fighters, funding conflict or cut it off completely and have the refugees suffer?

And so when the United Nation High Commissioner for Refugees, UNHCR, found difficulty in balancing relief and that such actions was not in line with its aims and goals, another was eventually set up. Of course, when the question of possibility funding conflict arises, it would be a sensitive issue for any country (like Thailand or the US) to distribute aid. "The Joint Mission wanted out of its border roles that were provoking authorities in Phnom Penh, fueling black markets in aid goods along the border and helping combatants, including the Khmer Rouge. Concerned about international perceptions if the Thai military were solely responsible for distributing World Food Programe (WFP) food, both Thai and U.S. officials pressed the Joint Mission not to withdraw". (pg 40) Thus the United Nation Border Relief Operation, UNBRO was eventually set up. However, sometimes, neither the UNHCR nor the UNBRO had any access to such camps.

Sometimes it's not easy to render aid and I have more sympathy for the people who are tasked with the responsibility to decide whether their actions would benefit the needy especially since they are so often criticised.

Of course that was merely one case study but I am reluctant to discuss the insights I've garnered from the case study on Rwandan refugees in Zaire other than to say that the UN was slow to act and when it did, perhaps the Hutus refugees who fled into the camps were the perpetrators of the 1994 Tutsi genocide in Rwanda and it eventually affected another country, Zaire. The refugee camps turned into a breeding ground for the continuation of ethnic violence against the Tutsi in Zaire. Discussing this and recalling all my knowledge on the 1994 Rwanda crisis would require another extremely long blog entry. Just thinking about it is already tiring enough.

If anybody knows about the Afghanistan's-Pakistan refugee issue, that would be the third case study that may interest them. My knowledge on the Afghanistan and Soviet conflict is the least out of the three. However that is also another interesting issue to delve in. I was told by the father a long time ago that it was due to a need for a port. Of course it would be due to other reasons such as the need for natural resources.

All in all, like what a passage in the book would describe of the turmoil of having to make the right choice and I quote:

The international community was far from eager to aid the Khmer Rouge and might have done son less assiduously if presented an attractive alternative. Even the U.S. government was divided over whether it would be necessary to work with the Khmer Rouge to resist the Vietnamese in Cambodia. American officials were uncomfortable with their vote in the United Nations in 1979, torn between moral principles and international law" that also served U.S. security interests. Should they oppose ASEAN and China, and legitimate Vietnam's invasion?

U.S. Ambassador at Large for Refugee Affairs Victor Palmieri observed that while the United States was "revolted from a humanitarian standpoint" by the Khmer Rouge, it was "revolted from a political standpoint" by Vietnam. (pg 29)

When it comes down to humanitarian versus politics, politics almost always wins. The death of a million is after all just a statistic. Furthermore, the unimaginable is always worse. In politics, isn't it always better to sacrifice a few to curb the horrors that could befall on more?

And so, I was slightly amused when Clinton said that when it comes down to human rights issues, they can achieve more progress with some countries through closed door negotiations. Because a long time ago, I would have believed that. What is the difference between countries that are 'named-and-shamed' and countries you negotiate behind closed doors with? You happen to owe the latter a lot of money. U.S have been walking gingerly recently. That is the loss of innocence for you. You stop believing that countries are strong and mighty. You see more false fronts.

Speaking of which, I was vastly amused to read in the news today that Mr Obama barged in uninvited on a 'secret' meeting between leaders of China, India, South Africa and Brazil. But of course they say that he didn't.

Refugee manipulation is a book for realist. Sometimes altruism is but a political game.

[Book review]: 1984

2009-11-19T15:44:00.001+08:00

I've just finished the book 1984, by George Orwell.

To say it was thought-provoking was an understatement. Riddled with irony and witty phrases, intelligent ideas and insightful notions, there were points in the book where after coming across a page, a chapter, a sentence or even a phrase would infuse me with pure pleasure that would make me stop and just plain savour, indulging in the moment where my mind would be suspended till the waves of pleasure ceased.

I remember one particular moment when I happened to be on the MRT. I happened to look up and saw an opened door. Framed through the door were the quickened steps of people and then it turned quiet. For a split second, I didn't know where I was. It was the strangest feeling.

The first thought that came to me was, this is 2009. George Orwell predicted a world, more than half a century ago and though it never came to pass, how real it seemed. Before my head shimmered back into this reality, I was lost.

The thing about 1984 wasn't so much a description about a dystopian world should communism have won. There were times when everything exist in my head. I could understand 'doublethink'. I know what it is. 2 + 2 = 5. I saw it together with the protagonist. The mind can be moulded and it can be consciously moulded by the self.

That's the scariest part because I didn't know how many people out there could feel Winston's love for Big Brother when he died. The book was written in the third person narrative. Perhaps many were tortured with him but for some reason, I hope that many too, experienced Winston's death and love along with him although there was also a phrase in 1984, 'Sanity is not statistical' that tells me that my notion should be defenestrated.

I would re-read the book. As much as O'Brien read into Winston's mind, I wonder if Orwell have read into mine. How dark the book was. For a scenario that never came to pass, it could have been superficial or myopic. Yet it was not, it was also about the baser nature of humans and could I have lived in such a world and survive? I wouldn't know.

Yet what's galling wasn't about not knowing if I would follow the footsteps of the dredges of humanity, what struck me was, it was perfectly fine for everybody in the novel to have done what they did. Even if it was a boot stamping on a human face - forever.

Hey Jupiter

2009-05-13T15:46:00.000+08:00

I recently re-discovered Tori Amos. I thought this part of the lyrics from Hey Jupiter held a certain resonance.

Thought we both could use a friend
To run to
And I thought I wouldn't have to keep
With you
Hiding

And I thought you'd see with me
You wouldn't have to be something new

阿桑，一路好走

2009-04-07T23:45:00.006+08:00

阿桑因癌症晚期病逝了。

我是在驾车回家的途中，通过收音机听到的。整个路途只有短短的六分钟凑巧让我听到了这则新闻。之后我的脑里一直回转来至《叶子》的一这段：

我一个人吃饭旅行到处走走停停

也一个人看书写信自己对话谈心

只是心又飘到了哪里

就连自己看也看不清

我想我不仅仅是失去你

她曾说，“我的坚强来自真实经历。”也曾表示，“人生是很难的，但不管怎样都还要走下去！我也一直在努力的珍惜活着的每一天。生命有再多的悲哀，能活着就是一种幸福，呼吸着，感受用手指触摸的快乐。黑暗虽然永远不会完全的消失但是在努力的不让它淹没自己就是一种快乐的胜利。

[Movie review]: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2009-02-21T23:12:00.000+08:00

I watched the Curious Case of Benjamin Button yesterday at Jurong Point. Incidentally, with HSBC movie pre-paid card, it only costs $7.50 per ticket, which is value-for-money if you watch weekend shows.

The show had been lingering in my head. Benjamin Button, who ages backwards. To grow younger and watch everybody around you age. How does it feel to have everybody moving forward and yourself regress? I suppose if there must be a film that puts aging in a favourable light, this must be it.

The film celebrates many things. How life is a journey and even if we are not aware of it, we do learn through our experiences each day. How it is never too early nor too late if we can just appreciate the moment. I was reminded of the pain that going against social norms and of the natural way of things will bring, how nothing appears to last and yet maybe they do. Watching that on the big screen, it brings to mind my own. While I lament that nothing appears to last, maybe indeed they do. You can always choose to be strong and there is always a difference between resigning yourself to fate and stop railing at fate, letting things go and trying to make things better.

Beautiful plot. I haven't read the book but I know they have adapted it extremely well. Brilliant acting and filming. One of the best shows I have watched in a long while.

Nothing stops time, even if it runs backwards. Nothing.

I feel a need to make my life even more meaningful than it is now.

Decisions

2009-02-18T20:57:00.001+08:00

I have decided on two things tonight:

1. I am going to get a DSLR (Canon 450d) at the upcoming IT fair in March.
2. I am going to Tibet and have found a travel kakki to go with in either June 2010 or 2011.

Yeah.. my mood is definitely picking up. =)

Cheap thrills: winning monopoly

2009-02-16T00:07:00.001+08:00

Cheap thrills = winning Monopoly against the computer...

...three times in a row tonight...

The opening of Sephora

2008-12-22T00:37:00.000+08:00

I am absolutely happy.

2 years ago when I was in France, I fell in love with Sephora. They are huge, it is like a make-up boutique except that it's bigger than any make-up stores I've seen. They have rows and rows of everything instead of a few shelves. Wonderful colours, shimmery powders and just shiny stuff.

Then word came that they were going to open here in Singapore. I finally saw it at Taka. today. The interior design follows closely to the stores I saw in France, black counters and shelves. I didn't have a chance to go in because my parents will not take very well to waiting around while I inspect each and everything in wide-eye amazement.

Ok I cannot wait...I simply must find an opportunity to hang around there.

I cannot believe it.. Sephora is here..the departmental store for make-up..truly, I don't think it has ever been done yet!

Non-inclusiveness in the global world

2008-12-13T15:42:00.003+08:00

I just saw Gan's post on how some people would put something on platforms such as FB and MSN and yet be cryptic, shrug and say that they don't want to talk about it. I supposed she might have been referring to me in that entry.

Ah..JY and I ignored her question on FB and I shrugged and didn't want to explain last night. JY did the honours because I have just finished telling Lun about David's tragedy a day ago and I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

In fact telling Lun about it resulted in us both feeling very sad and I had to shut some part of myself so that I could relate the incident in a cold, clinical and detached way so as not to lose control in the Japanese restaurant.

I didn't think I would be able to have that much control to relate it again.

So why did JY and I use FB then. She wasn't on MSN that time. We did call each other to see what each other had but it got too difficult. Talking about it was hard, silence on the phone was equally unbearable when it feels as though we should say something and each had nothing to say. Hanging up on each other wasn't an option either when closure should always be gently introduced.

Maybe FB was right because it provided us with a platform where we could communicate with each other and yet not have to face each other directly. I don't think it was our top priority to announce to 400-over people that something was going on. Besides how do you explain death and pain like that without demeaning the tragedy itself?

Ah yes..perhaps most would think that because posting things on public platforms are not private, they should be inclusive.

But you can no more include the world than you can exclude yourself.

Sadness and grief has always been something private. We put on smiles for the world even if we feel our heart burdened with many a failings, many a regret, many a sadness.

Maybe questions aren't replied because not everything has to be inclusive and sadness isn't for everybody.

A tribute to Eva Cassidy

2008-12-13T02:44:00.003+08:00

I just came back from Jazz @ Southbridge. One of the songs that the singer Alemay sang was "Autumn Leaves". I guess after hearing Eva Cassidy's rendition of the song, nothing could beat it, not even the original French version.

I came back and re-watched her Youtube videos. Still as touching as I remembered. I must have watched and listened to her countless times. I didn't think she would still be able to move me so.

Eva Cassidy has been dead for more than 10 years. Yet she is remembered fondly through the sincerity she expressed in her songs. She has also been gaining fans for didn't I stumble upon her and fell in love with her songs before I read up about her and realised that she wasn't around any more. Her songs seemed even more precious and poignant to me then. One timeless voice.

A lot of the comments left by people say that God must have wanted her to join the angels above, for her work here was done...how she lived inside her song. I know what that latter comment meant.

With most songs the songs is part of the singer, the songs never appear bigger than the singer themselves but with Eva Cassidy, her songs always feels like they are so much more than her as if they transcend almost everything, even Eva Cassidy herself.

In the wee hours of the morning, listening to her rendition of "Danny Boy" makes me feel a lot:

Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountainside.
The summer's gone, and all the roses (are) falling.
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.

But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow,
'Tis I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow.
Oh Danny Boy, Oh Danny Boy, I love you so.

But if you come and all the flow'rs are dying
And I am dead, as dead I well may be,
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an Ave there for me.

And I shall hear, though soft ye tread above me
And then my grave will warmer, sweeter be,
For you will bend and tell me that you love me,
And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me.

Alternative lyrics for last two lines:

And you'll not fail to tell me that you love me,
I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

Who and what determines who lives and dies?

2008-12-08T16:34:00.003+08:00

I just came back from Rin's wedding in Sitiawan.

She fetched us to the bus station this morning. On the way there, she received a phone call regarding an accident. I was a bit taken aback by the questions she asked upon receiving the call, such as if the was bus badly mangled up, how many people died?

One of the guests had taken the bus last night. At the bus station, they were frantically calling around for news. When they got news that the accident did seem serious; the bus had collided with a tree, in my head I was envisioning a shattered windscreen, not a mangled metal mess of a bus.

The parents called when I was almost reaching the checkpoint. News had finally gotten to Singapore and they were worried that I was on the bus. They said it was bad but they didn't know if there was any Singaporeans involved. When I got back home and saw the pictures on the television, I was shocked.

I kept praying that Rin's friend was ok. I kept praying so hard. It simply never occurred to me that it would be that serious. The fates couldn't be that cruel. How could it be? He had just attended a joyous event - a wedding, for heaven's sake. How could it be so ironic, so cruel? It didn't seem right, not right at all....

I went out to buy the papers. I heaved a sigh of relief when the evening Chinese papers did not report his name, neither did the news on the internet. There was still hope, after all, one of the forums I turned up said that the dead were all Malaysians. Then came the 10 p.m news. A chill ran down my spine when the broadcaster reported out a Hongkonger who was a Singapore PR who works in the hospital...I couldn't catch the details, was he dead or were they merely trying to report the Singaporeans who were involved in the accident?

I only know that his name is David, his parents are in Hong Kong and he was on that bus, seated at the back.

I rushed to google for news. As I searched and read one report after another, I was still hoping that Rin's friend wasn't him. There could be another MO on the bus. Rin's friend could be Singaporean whose parents were vacationing in Hong Kong.

He was seated at the back after all, didn't they say that the impact was at the front?

Worried for Rin, I called her Singapore number, her Malaysian number as well as her best friend Xinyi. I also called Shupei. I reached their voice mails.

I swung from envisioning the worst-case scenario to telling myself to be optimistic by trying to tell myself that I am a pessimist. I didn't know if I was feeling worried and morose or calm but silly. Was David's last name Ho? How could it be? He was coming back from a wedding...he was seated at the back.

I slept at 2 a.m. and woke up at 6 a.m. I didn't know why either. I tried looking for news again but nothing turned up. I searched every few minutes while surfing about randomly. I went to sleep and around 10 a.m, JY messaged with a search result. His full name had came out in a HongKong news site.

"David Ho C.S, a Hong Kong resident, was a surgeon who practiced in a hospital in Singapore."What we didn't want to see come pass, did.

He was the only one out of the ten who died, the only one who wasn't a Malaysian. He was only 2 hours away from Singapore.

I don't know him personally but all of us should have came back safely. We had gone there together, we should have came back together too, all of us.

Waves of thoughts, feelings and despair keeps washing over me. But I don't want to contemplate about the fragility of life, even if it keeps threatening to engulf me again like it did before. I don't want to think about the lack of control we have over our lives. Who and what determines who lives and dies? Why is it so ironic, cruel and unfair?

No. Life cannot be that cruel. The dead must be in a better place if they are not here with us.

David, with all my heart, I'm certain that you are in heaven.

Expensive arcade games as cheap thrills?

2008-11-09T03:27:00.003+08:00

After a week of first aid course, the test was today. My hands hurt from doing the CPR on dummies. It doesn't help that the instructor thinks that I should press down harder.

Anyway I think we all passed except that I don't know if we will be up to standard in a real situation. I am so scared that in the event that we have to do a head-tilt-chin-lift for CPR, the casualty suffers from a fractured neck and I end up breaking his neck. *shudders

The family picked me up and we went for lunch. I contemplated going for orchestra but was too lazy and tired to. I ended up going home to sleep.

I woke up for dinner and then got a call from Nana who asked if I wanted to go play arcade games. We met at Marina Square. I did win something but ended up spending a lot of money in the process. Perhaps I should put it this way. I won something within forking out out 20 bucks to the machine. However I ended putting more to try again. *grrrr.

I got a Winnie-the-Pooh in hawaiian dress. I think he's gay because he is wearing a skirt..haha.

Nana was super annoyed that she didn't get anything and so we rushed to Plaza Sing to try over there. In the end she did get something; some weird Mickey Mouse pillow shirt.

We had supper (although we shouldn't) and chatted over ideas and other general conversation stuff. We also had to wait like freaking long for NR5. Yucks. We waited for almost an hour I think. When I got back, it was raining and so I also had to run in the rain at 3 a.m. *grrr

Ah well....once in a while doing crazy things like this keeps me sane.

After talking to Nana, I always feel like doing handicrafts again..hehe

Obama as President of the United States

2008-11-05T21:58:00.003+08:00

KY passed me a link: I Didn't Vote For Obama Today

In case you are too lazy to click on the link, here is the article.

I Didn't Vote For Obama Today
November 4, 2008, 9:37AM

I have a confession to make.

I did not vote for Barack Obama today.

I've openly supported Obama since March. But I didn't vote for him today.

I wanted to vote for Ronald Woods. He was my algebra teacher at Clark Junior High in East St. Louis, IL. He died 15 years ago when his truck skidded head-first into a utility pole. He spent many a day teaching us many things besides the Pythagorean Theorem. He taught us about Medgar Evers, Ralph Abernathy, John Lewis and many other civil rights figures who get lost in the shadow cast by Martin Luther King, Jr.

But I didn't vote for Mr. Woods.

I wanted to vote for Willie Mae Cross. She owned and operated Crossroads Preparatory Academy for almost 30 years, educating and empowering thousands of kids before her death in 2003. I was her first student. She gave me my first job, teaching chess and math concepts to kids in grades K-4 in her summer program. She was always there for advice, cheer and consolation. Ms. Cross, in her own way, taught me more about walking in faith than anyone else I ever knew.

But I didn't vote for Ms. Cross.

I wanted to vote for Arthur Mells Jackson, Sr. and Jr. Jackson Senior was a Latin professor. He has a gifted school named for him in my hometown. Jackson Junior was the pre-eminent physician in my hometown for over 30 years. He has a heliport named for him at a hospital in my hometown. They were my great-grandfather and great-uncle, respectively.

But I didn't vote for Prof. Jackson or Dr. Jackson.

I wanted to vote for A.B. Palmer. She was a leading civil rights figure in Shreveport, Louisiana, where my mother grew up and where I still have dozens of family members. She was a strong-willed woman who earned the grudging respect of the town's leaders because she never, ever backed down from anyone and always gave better than she got. She lived to the ripe old age of 99, and has a community center named for her in Shreveport.

But I didn't vote for Mrs. Palmer.

I wanted to vote for these people, who did not live to see a day where a Black man would appear on their ballots on a crisp November morning.

In the end, though, I realized that I could not vote for them any more than I could vote for Obama himself.

So who did I vote for?

No one.

I didn't vote. Not for President, anyway.

Oh, I went to the voting booth. I signed, was given my stub, and was walked over to a voting machine. I cast votes for statewide races and a state referendum on water and sewer improvements.

I stood there, and I thought about all of these people, who influenced my life so greatly. But I didn't vote for who would be the 44th President of the United States.

When my ballot was complete, except for the top line, I finally decided who I was going to vote for - and then decided to let him vote for me. I reached down, picked him up, and told him to find Obama's name on the screen and touch it.

And so it came to pass that Alexander Reed, age 5, read the voting screen, found the right candidate, touched his name, and actually cast a vote for Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

Oh, the vote will be recorded as mine. But I didn't cast it.

Then again, the person who actually pressed the Obama box and the red "vote" button was the person I was really voting for all along.

It made the months of donating, phonebanking, canvassing, door hanger distributing, sign posting, blogging, arguing and persuading so much sweeter.

So, no, I didn't vote for Barack Obama. I voted for a boy who now has every reason to believe he, too, can grow up to be anything he wants...even President.

I was profoundly moved. It reminded me of the days where I really did believe that a child can grow up to become anything he wants to be.

Don't ask me what do I believe now. I don't quite know. All I know is deep down in my heart, it is my most fervent wish that a child CAN grow up to become anything he wants to be.

I am happy that Obama won. Perhaps he will usher in a new era of change. After all he is going down in history as the first African American president.

One who overcame all odds to be president.

A child who did grow up to be the President of the United States.

Trying out the arcade machine.

2008-11-04T23:37:00.004+08:00

I met up with Branded today and we had a long chat over dinner. I had coffee which wasn't a good idea. I will be awake till late tonight.

Anyway after coffee I wanted to try out an arcade trick that Nana taught. I tried it out at one of the machines that allows for the capture of plush toys. I changed 10 bucks, if it didn't work, then that was that.

I chose a machine that was filled with cute hamsters. I wasted one dollar making sense of the machine. I haven't tried it in years and when I tried it in my primary school days, I always thought it was a scam because it seemed like the only way one could out win the machine was to shake it and nobody was allowed to do that.

Irritatingly, a crowd of people gathered and I was nervous. I ended up pushing the hamster to an even more unlikely position to be captured. Miffed, I moved away and was contemplating whether or not to try again. In the end Branded was saying there wasn't any harm since I've already changed the money. Yeah, I was prepared to the lose ten bucks anyway.

I tried again at another machine. It took me 3 tries and I got the plush toy !!! I am too lazy to post up a picture of it. I googled the company name and subsequently managed to ID the soft toy but I couldn't get the exact picture. Here is a variation of the toy:

It is a Banpresto 'Chopper'. Banpresto was a sub-contractor of Sega and is now partially owned by Bandai. It now focuses on prize machines.

Now about Chopper, as I do not follow Japanese entertainment stuff much, I had to really look it up. Chopper was an ostracised reindeer due to the blue nose. It ate a magic fruit and then attained cognitive processes. I think the character is either from an animation or a game. Not much information is available from the 15 minutes spent researching on the character.

Nana was mentioning that plush toys in the arcades can be limited editions, not available elsewhere. She intends to wrap things up and sell them in the future. Maybe I should start doing the same.

I spent 8 bucks, out of which 3 bucks was at the machine of 'Chopper'.

I am vastly amused, not to mention happy and imbued with a sense of achievement. Haha.

Wherein I try to reassure myself of responsibility

2008-11-03T23:52:00.004+08:00

Does irresponsibility stem from selfishness?

When is it not right to place your rights and happiness above duty? When it stops being fair? When it inconveniences others?

But then it raises the question of what is fair? Inherent in the question is what exactly is good?

If work is distributed do you fulfill your committment no matter what or do you shirk it the minute you can?

Sometimes I think my most fundamentals is to 'never take the easy way out'. Yet I feel that I compromise myself because although I try not to inconvenience others, I sometimes end up as a solution for others.

It's times like this where I once again lament the use of morals.

But I guess we all do what we can and hope that recognition comes. If it doesn't, we just have to hope that what we have is enough.

A short review on moisturisers

2008-11-01T22:58:00.005+08:00

I recently indulged in hand lotions and hand creams. $106 for L'Occitane Shea Butter Hand Cream (150 mL) and Shea Butter Extra Gentle Lotion for Hands & Body - Milk (300 mL)

I haven't had the time to pamper myself. Do I really need to spend $106 on 450 mL on hand lotions and creams? I'm not altogether sure. But I do know that I have been obsessively slathering my hands with lotions and creams ever since I've stopped marking or doing work with my hands. It gives me a tremendous amount of pleasure to do so. It's an obsession. I have enough creams and lotions to last me a fair number of years but I still buy them.

I like the scent of nice-smelling hands. That is also why I hate washing dishes and chopping garlic. After mincing garlic, the smell lingers for days and unlike the fresh zesty smell it changes into an unpleasant almost disgusting smell so much so that I cannot bear to even have my hands in front of me.

If I do have so much lotions and creams oh why pray tell do I need to spend $106 on 2 extra tube and bottles? That's because hand lotions and creams are a niche area. They are my sinful indulgence and I always have to have something everywhere and I cannot bear to see one finishing and not buy another to replace it.

I am finishing this soon.

It's actually a 30 mL travel size tube but I couldn't manage to find the picture. The rose scent is strong on applying and I always worry that it will annoy the people around me. It gradually fades into a gentle scent.

The Honey and Lemon Hand Cream from L'Occitane really does smell of lemons and honey. It was ok for application but I wouldn't get that again as there are hand creams with scents that appeals more to me.The Cherry Blossom Hand Cream is one that I have been saving up. I had gotten the limited edition of the three 30mL Hand Cream last year.
I haven't tried it yet. I thought I like the scent too much to use it initially but I think my preferences has swung to light milk scented hand creams. Simple scents. I probably will get around to using it soon.

I have also tried most of the hand creams from Crabtree and Evelyn.

My favourite scent will be the Nantucket Briar which reminds me of the clean scent of British soap. It used to be La Source which follows the scent of most sea-related ocean scent but it got to be too cliche for me. Lavender always reminded me of washing detergents although I got it for a friend because she said that that scent calms her. I still have a 100 mL of Rosewater. The scent is quite similar to the Rose Velvet from L'Occitane except that I think upon application, the Rose Velvet somehow diffuses faster. I am guessing that is because the water content is higher.

I was recently asked if expensive hand creams do make a difference. Frankly, they may not. What makes a good hand cream or lotion is in its ability to penetrate the skin as well as prevent moisture loss. That will mean the lotion or cream should contain a good ratio of water as well as oil content for it to work. You may recall that the human cell have hydrophilic and hydrophobic parts to it. Anyway I digressed. The effectiveness of hand creams and lotions may vary for individual because some of our hands are drier than others.

I have dry skin. Some cheaper drugstore brands do work perfectly fine for me whereas some do not and cover my skin like some oily gook. Granted that it contains the preventing moisture loss part, it is still simply too icky for me to bear.

L'occitane hand creams and lotions experienced so far tend to be more absorbing and less greasy compared to Crabtree and Evelyn. However I suspect that Crabtree and Evelyn lasts longer for me.

Other cheaper brands that I've found to work perfectly includes Cyclax. My personal favourite is the Cyclax Aloe Vera moisturiser (I couldn't find a better picture). The company was granted the Royal Warrant by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II in 1961. Supposedly Royal Warrants are a mark of recognition to people or companies who have regularly supplied goods or services to certain members of the Royal Family. It used to be available at most John Little outlets but I haven't checked if they still carry it. You can get a fair bit for less than 10 bucks if there is a sale.

You can probably tell that it is the cheaper lotion on application. For one, the scent is thinner and has less depth to it. The texture is light, fast-absorbing, definitely a water-based moisturiser. However the penetration is there. In fact I vary my moisturisers a lot based on mood and stocks at hand. In my compulsive-obsessive nights when I was studying for my Uni. exams, I would actually apply the Cyclax Aloe Vera moisturisers before applying a heavier lotion or cream.

I've also used The Body Shop Body Butter. Now, that is extremely moisturising, probably good for overseas where the humidity is way lower. In Singapore, the Body Butter can be a bit overpowering and uncomfortable if you do not sleep in an air-conditioned room or not used to moisturisers.

The rest of the moisturisers that I have used like Vaseline, Jergens, Nivea and Johnson & Johnson are too way back for me to give a fair and adequate review. Jergens was pretty good. Nivea and Johnson & Johnson had pleasant scents though I remembered the latter as being too manufactured for my taste. However I would like to try possibly the Nivea one as I remembered the scent as being extremely pleasant.

After the long entry, I guess it is now time to go and re-apply my moisturisers. Toodles.

错

2008-10-28T21:50:00.008+08:00

时间早已剥夺了思念的权利
灰尘把空气都弄沉重了
又怕干净你也完全不见了
你就快消失了
就快我也不晓得曾失去什么了
还抱着记事本又怎么样呢？
哭是因为尘埃太沉重了
一定不是因为太想你的
一片刻我也感觉自己消失了
抱紧自己却任由时间吹散到地
记忆散落

失去离开了
空气变更沉了

时间为我做的决定

或许一开始就只有我错了

** I must say that there is no breakup, I am not undergoing any romantic entanglement. So don't ask me where all these are coming from. I have no idea.

Aphyxiated

2008-10-27T23:03:00.003+08:00

My room is terribly messy. I guess I can begin the holidays by starting to clean everything up, control what goes into my mouth and run again. I still haven't quite got over my preference for solitude even though I've started meeting up with people. There just seems so much to do that I'm selfishly placing myself before others. I still have books to read and shows to watch and so many things I want to do by myself.

Someone told me I need a personal life.

I guess they don't understand that my personal life entails a breathing space, away from the restraints of a maddening crowd. It is getting harder to find that little window for the fresh air in this busy city life.

Summer of Love

2008-10-26T02:14:00.003+08:00

They wonder what's going on in your minds.

I know its one psychedelic season.

Of warm summers, happiness and love.

Heightened awareness of sensory delight.

But how reality played you false.

The nights grow cold and grey needles fall.

How good are your mind shields?

To carry on as the physical fail?

Unaware that the cost of that lie

reveals through the gradual shifts

to the ugliness of your face.

And you slowly die.

You will surely die.

In that psychedelic season

where they injected milk to counteract poison.

In that psychedelic season
whe年 you tried to find Utopia.

In that psychedelic season

you called Summer of Love

there was no cure

for self-betrayal

not when you traded your future.

失拍

2008-10-22T02:15:00.000+08:00

每次以为得到了平静

心却起涟漪

微微震的波动

跟不上自己设定的频率

Reflection of the day.

2008-10-04T01:06:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, like today, I think that the human heart is capable of more love and forgiveness than I think possible.

We have the amazing ability to shield ourselves from the horrors of our past and perhaps that is what gives us our hope for the future.

My damaged self

2008-09-28T00:36:00.004+08:00

Pain,

comes in all shapes and form,

the poison,

the chronic disease I have learnt to live with.

The void within
is something I welcome
heart and soul.
What could be potentially incapacitating for the heart
is nothing but a dull ache now.

I've learnt to keep alive by taking in shallow breaths.

'08 Jay's New Song 稻香

2008-09-22T23:17:00.002+08:00

《稻香》
词：周杰伦曲：周杰伦

对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨
跌倒了就不敢继续往前走
为什麼人要这麼的脆弱堕落
请你打开电视看看
多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去
我们是不是该知足
珍惜一切就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡随著稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带著你逃跑乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧回到最初的美好

不要这麼容易就想放弃就像我说的
追不到的梦想换个梦不就得了
为自己的人生鲜艳上色先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
笑一个吧功成名就不是目的
让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义
童年的纸飞机现在终於飞回我手里
所谓的那快乐赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了谁在偷笑呢
我靠著稻草人吹著风唱著歌睡著了
哦哦午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆
哦哦阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
珍惜一切就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡随著稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带著你逃跑乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧回到最初的美好

Bokor Hill undergoing renovating

2008-09-06T22:47:00.000+08:00

It was lucky that I managed to get up Bokor Hill in December 2007.

In January 2008, work started on Bokor Hill Station and it was closed to visitors. The old French casino and hotel is going to be refurbished and they are going to add a new hotel. Recently, they started to allow limited access in August 2008, to those who are going as part of a tour group or with a tour guide.

The benefit however is that road conditions up the mountains have been improved, reducing travel times.

When I read that, my heart ached a little for the commercialising of a quaint little surreal place. I was so close to missing all of that.

Sometimes ruins should be left alone just like how some things in life should be left on their own.

Rhythmic confusion

2008-09-06T22:44:00.001+08:00

There's a sea floating in my head
Tug and wave
The moon hungs from below
Waiting for all the grace to mend
And the roaring of the rain
Whips past before my eyes
Little lithe sorrows too fast for me to hold.
So I'm breathing now.
So I'm learning the meaning of an echo.
If you remove the blue,
leaving a shade paler
how long is there to white?
Through the rain that pierces the sea
through the chaos that ripples the waves
Standing right there
In a world where ripples don't fade.

Futility

2008-09-03T22:41:00.001+08:00

Like a silent movie,
white steam,
white cup in isolation
So heaven is where softness fades to
Away from this reason
As of this world
a trial, to fold anytime
A cry, a heartbeat away
Muffled and fast as it can be
Prevention eludes
Salvation deludes
What does await?
A wounded bird struggles to reach the sun.

Wherein I get in touch with my thinking self

2008-09-02T22:39:00.000+08:00

Far be it for me to be a hinderance
so set the blossoms lightly scatter
across the windswept truths of forgone summers

Let autumn draw near, of warm rosy hues,
Of faint fragrant quiet scents
Still, quiet
Entwining the steady rhythm of my heart

On being a non-conformist

2008-08-17T22:33:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I felt that I was myself as in whole and complete. A funny feeling that was.

I'm coping with work and I am learning how to re-structure and re-organise my time. Recently I was told that I have managed to surprise someone 3 times.

Non-conformist.

Sometimes I like being different from what is expected of me.

Yeah..sometimes...

What can a PSLE certificate do?

2008-07-29T22:05:00.001+08:00

I was just thinking....if the students I'm teaching now, quit school...

They will only have a PSLE certificate which is practically useless now and will be totally phased out in a decade.

They will be stuck with jobs that pays below $1000 for life? With increasing inflation that will erode away the value? An average of 3% inflation per year will in 10 year's time erode away 30% of that $1000 and this year's inflation rate is already what...6%?!!!

A twist in the Bhutan perspectivet

2008-07-24T18:24:00.000+08:00

I wished the celebrity couple had never held their wedding in Bhutan.

Now, I am not so sure that I want to go there anymore.

Ok, more like, I think it is still one of the place where I have to be, except that a little bit of the magic and charm is lost. I will be part of the massive hordes of tourist that will be visiting Bhutan simply because someone famous has held their wedding there.

Wynner's concert

2008-07-20T22:06:00.001+08:00

Nana had tickets to Wynner's concert over the weekend, so we went. I picked her up from Kallang MRT and we went off in search for dinner. The area was unbelievably packed. We went from restaurant to restaurant and all they could tell us was that they couldn't give us a table without a reservation. (-_-")

In the end we ended up eating Indian food at Vansh. The lighting makes me look good, as you can tell from the collage of pictures below. HAHA. I think the food was ok but we were in a rush and didn't took the effort to properly savour the food. It tastes ok. However I must admit I am not exactly the most enthusiastic fan of Indian food and so cannot say for sure that I will patronise the restaurant because I am uber in love with the food.

The concert was not exactly exciting for me. They were conversing in Cantonese the entire concert and dialects are so not my thing. I can profess to understand a bit of Hokkien but Cantonese is so out of my league other than the Ngoh Ai Loi (I love you), Ho Mm Ho (How are you guys or literally translated as 'good or not'.

The songs were retro 80's so there were a couple of English songs and one or two Cantonese songs sounded familiar. Anyway just in case anybody is curious, Kenny B still looks freaking hot. Alan Tam has a tummy !!!

Initially I thought that nobody would be THAT enthusiastic but I was wrong. The crowd was quite worked up and I heard that the concert was a success, at least 90% of the tickets were sold out.

Ah well, Nana and I were contemplating a movie after that but I went back to school in the morning to settle some stuff and to see a student so I was pretty tired. We went over to a cinema in Orchard and all they were showing were Hancock, Hellboy2 and Batman plus maybe 1 or 2 other unappealing movie. I was only interested in Batman but the next screening was at 2 a.m. so *shrugs..we went to do a little shopping and I got a big Winnie-the-Pooh cup so I can eat ta-pao food in.

There are other minute details but I'm too lazy to blog about them. It was quite a good weekend I had. So I hope many had one too. :)

悬

2008-07-11T23:29:00.005+08:00

唯一的庇护是距离

与天与地

一天又一点

越抗拒越放松绳子拉长距离

拔河

下一秒

往前还是后退

倾向又转身背对

怎么就像飞蛾扑火

许着不该许的愿望
就悬困在空中

两半心的摇椅

摇摇蓝蓝

忽高忽低

与天空地面的拔河

近天近地

伸手摘星无法如愿

脚踏实地无法情愿

falling,smiling

2008-07-08T22:08:00.002+08:00

Falling slowly into entrainment

Sunshine coming through

Little shared moments

Sparkle and smile

Feeling better...

2008-06-25T01:39:00.000+08:00

Today was better but my legs ached terribly, all the way to the small of my back. I have no idea why. It couldn't be the run because the 9 k.m. with Gan didn't give me much of a problem and it was only about 2 k.m. today. The area around my knees ache especially the back of them. I think it is because I am not used to standing for long periods of time. And to think that I wore flats yesterday and sport shoes today. I think heels would have damaged my legs already.

The car has been changed. It is now a cool white. A 2.0 litre car and the top can open a little. It looks a bit weird though because that part is black. I was vastly amused to realised that all the fuss yesterday and today...and they wanted to trade that horrid blue for this white one. But come to think of it, I'm missing it ...a little now. After all it has been ferrying me and my stuff to school and places for the past 4 months. At least it was the one that accompanied me for most of the practicum.

Still tired. Came home to collapse after dinner. Slept and then woke up to staple worksheets. I couldn't send them for printing in time and the machine ran out of bullets.

Still feel like sleeping. Maybe I will after I finished stapling them. I've finished a class. Somehow, this reminds me of practicum. (-_-")

There are lots of things to learn and do. Most of them are shoved to the back of my head where I hope I will remember them. There hasn't even been time for me to figure out and start with the new laptop. Right now, it is sitting dismally on the table.

However some of the classes that I've been to seem rather nice. I just hope that they do stay that way.

Anyway, Nana got into the next round of SuperBand. Isn't that great?

Tomorrow....only 6 periods !!! Woo-hoo

Needing more time to myself

2008-06-23T22:08:00.005+08:00

It has been a bad way to start the term. The term kicks off with a timetable that puts my heaviest workload on Mondays and Tuesdays coupled with a staff meeting half an hour after my last lesson of the day at 3 a.m.

My voice cracked with dis-use over the holidays, especially when met with a 3 double-period slots. 3 hours. No, I should say my voice cracked several times.

Then it was staff meeting. But at least I could sit down and rest. The worst thing was the car agent wanted to trade the loan car for another car and had bombarded the phone 3 times while I was away at class. I think he also called the mother because the mother SMS-ed me. The handphone died in the midst of my returning that call when I was asked if it was possible to trade the car by 5 p.m.

No-can-do.

Not as if I could tell him that....I tried to switch on the phone to send a last SMS to the mother and the handphone died in the midst of sending, I didn't know if the SMS was sent at all.

Tired.

Totally didn't feel up to going for Nana's competition. Handphone died. No means of contacting them. No prior instructions on where to meet and how to obtain tickets....

Felt totally wasted and knowing that Tuesday is another long day with running 2 k.m, right in the morning doesn't help.

Switched on the handphone to copy the numbers on my palm. Wanted to call Nana to probe how serious it would be if I didn't turn up. She didn't picked up the phone. Called Boss to see if he knew where the competition was going to be. He didn't, except to pick up tickets from someone where the venue wasn't known yet.

Called Bayi to see if she knew the location. She didn't pick up.

Tried Nana again. She didn't pick up.

Tried Boss again. He said he will meet me at the reception where he is to collect the tickets.

Didn't seem like I could back out anymore.

Was so tired it affected my mood. Wasn't happy.

I got lost along the way. Luckily I drove to Bishan and Thompson area once. Figured my way. Traffic was so bad at the turning to Caldecott Hill that I was stuck, half of my car body dangling in the yellow box. There simply wasn't a break and there was no right turn green sign that flashed. I waited for the length of three traffic light cycles and turned at a red light along with another car.

The only good thing was there wasn't any blaring of horns when I was expecting one.

Tired. Moody. Hungry.

But too tired to eat, too moody to be nice. Was irritated and I could hear it in my voice, could feel it emanating from every pore on my body.

I left at 9 p.m, once the competition was done. I didn't think I could survive the results.

Reached home.

The mother said something about the car, asking me to contact the guy tomorrow and tell him the address of the school. I grunted as I made my way to the room. Told her that I will SMS the guy tomorrow, irritation clouding my voice.

Cannot bear noise.

The mother ended up SMS-ing me a reminder.

Need to get this blackish stuff out. But I don't think I can even bear to hear my own voice. So all I can do is write.

Peace, quiet and solitude needed. But my own voice is filled with nothing but irritation and stress.

Feeling better now.

Going to sleep, wake up early to see what little work can be done before I run.

Here's hoping that the timetable changes such that the run with a first period lesson doesn't clash with a 5-classes, 8-periods day and 3 double-periods back-to-back slots.

Well, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays are better with only 2 periods on Fridays.

So much for social stuff...the event this evening is the last one that I will be doing, or at least on a not-so-frequent basis.

But I know it wasn't entirely the fault of today's hectic busy schedule. I should be able to handle a spike of running around like a headless chicken. It was the lack of Chu-time.

Here's hoping people will not get offended when I do not reply. I feel like leaving the phone in the drawer and uninstalling MSN.

Maybe if it gets worse, I'll do that.

Status: Calm/Tired.

只想不被打扰

2008-06-21T00:17:00.002+08:00

给我个空间

我只想静静的，不想被打扰

我想做一道光阴，一个影子

在风吹过时

掠过那么一霎那

静静的，然后消失了

彳亍着

2008-06-14T02:01:00.004+08:00

Went to play pool today. Settlers was too full to seat us.

I also want to thank Iv Ge for getting me a book from Cambodia. It was totally unexpected and I really appreciate the thought. The cover featured Angkor Wat in backlight, far away in the horizon.

One need never say goodbye to Angkor, for its magic will go with you wherever fate and the gods may take you to colour your thoughts and dreams to life's very end.
~ H W Ponder

The holidays has allowed me to drift away from the realities of life, to indulge in dreams. Day-dreaming, one of the most futile activity and yet one of the few luxuries I intermittenly allow myself to savour and indulge in.

Sometimes I dream that I was back in South Africa, France or Cambodia.

***

我很喜欢这一首歌。。。

巫啟賢 - 《邂逅》

入暮的山途獨有我彳亍，落紅鏗然顯凄清
低吟起那幽陰的歌，歌聲抖出了蕭索
歌韻隱隱飄蕩入我波心，牽引我山游覓覓尋

邂逅你炯瑩的星眸，顫動我翩翩入夢
恒古雋永美麗的神話，莫非已降臨此剎那
默望長空我深深祈禱，愿剎那化永恒典雅

彳亍: 不读为行【拼音chì chù】

形容小步慢走或时走时停。
在戴望舒的《雨巷》中写到：“像我一样，像我一样，默默的彳亍着……”。

~ http://www.baike.baidu.com/

好久的歌，恰似能嗅出尘来

简单的曲，美丽的词

童年的时光历历在目

终是想回到那小时候

因为终是觉得往前是如此的彳亍着

我很喜欢这一个词。。。“彳亍”

行于彳亍。。。

一个不小心就容易弄错

行于彳亍却表达截然不同的意义

从彳亍到行

是一个跃不过的空间吗？

人生得于彳亍或于行是否是一个定数

先人好有幽默

彳亍间的距离微妙却又如此的永恒

消除了那渺小的空间会不会只是个错别字？

彳亍。。只因为默望長空深深祈禱着，愿剎那化永恒典雅
我想我的人生以彳亍而非行作为属性

那。。又是谁决定把它编进我人生的蓝图里？

Status: wistful

2008: The last week of June before work starts piling up

2008-06-12T23:13:00.000+08:00

Been rather busy this week.

Aside from the endless seminars that we have to attend...Tuesday. Attempted to have coffee with Lun by the river, curled up with a good book. It failed horribly. We ended up in seats facing the afternoon sun, baking while chatting the afternoon away. So much for wanting to look stylish and educated. Our make-up melted though in Lun's case it could be due to 'oily skin'. But at least our conversations were intellectual ones. In fact I insist.

Here's a hastily-done collage. It's hideous because we didn't take much pictures and these are all the pictures I have of the afternoon. Yeah..a measly 6. (-_-")

Well then 4/6 of the SEC met up. Gan was late. And so the President made a couple of gentle phone calls to sweetly ask where she was, reminding Gan that she stated that she would arrive by 7.15 p.m.

Here's the look of sympathy on JY's face.

..as the four pots sitting quietly in a row tried to kick up their lids...

And JY has been promoted...from member to permanent member of SEC. =D

*throws confetti.

Methinks that the SEC blog needs to be updated.

Anyway that was on Tuesday. Talks of a run came up there and then and a run was organised on Wednesday. We started in the Botanic Gardens, running around in there, weaving through the paths in twilight, Gan, Lun and I.

Gan and I then ran the Bukit Timah stretch. Along the way, somewhere after Sixth Avenue, I couldn't regulate my breath and yelped for Gan to stop. We ran slower and continued on ....until she said.."We're reaching McDonalds..." (or something to that effect). Once I heard the key word "MCDONALDS", I froze. My will instantly vanished.

*POOF !!!

I halted and started walking. I think I shocked Gan. How she shouldn't have told me McDonald's was up front. I started whining about ice-cream..the 50-cent cone !!!!

Gan continued on ahead and then she too stopped. I saw her faint outline in the not-too-far distance and suddenly a horrid thought struck me. Gan may just refuse to let me eat my ice-cream if I do not start running.

And so I started running towards her. Then I told her the horrible thought that crossed my mind and wanted her assurance that we will stop for ice-cream..the 50-cent cone one....

I couldn't see her reaction in the dark but it must have been...... (-_-")

And so she said that we should sprint towards McDonalds, the last 100 metres or so. Yup, I did until the yellow-red sign board overwhelmed me. I stopped before she did.

We had the 50-cent cone icecream which was no longer 50-cents but 60-cents.

ZZZZ....

As Gan refused to take in the air-con, we continued on, cone in hand. We passed by the bus stop outside Pei Hwa Presbytarian Primary and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a girl staring at me. I furrowed my brows at her. I mean what's so weird about eating an ice-cream in PE attire, hot and sweaty?!

...Then it struck me that she was my student...from BBSS...

Ah sheesh....

Oh well.. I walked Gan home and because there was another McDonald's at her place, I had another 60-cent cone. =D

I should also give myself a pat on the back. I ran for 1 hour and 10-ish minutes... Gan said that it was probably about 9 km. I mean running inside Botanic Gardens and then that crazy long 'mentally-shag' straight road?!!!

Not too bad at all for someone who hardly exercises.

I think Gan was rather impressed too. I know because she didn't jibe at me at all, even though I stopped for ice-cream.

So much for my running buddy cum he-who-thinks-he-is-my-trainer. All he managed to condition me for, was for McDonald's.

On getting fat

2008-06-08T18:47:00.003+08:00

The father said that I was getting fat.

I woke up at 430 a.m to run today.

Gossamer net

2008-06-07T01:20:00.005+08:00

A faint scent of magnolia.
Cream.
A long time since I remembered.
Since I did.

Gladly I pay the price for remembering.
Sadness.

To let you go with nary a trace
into emptiness
'tis the song of silent little bells.

Walking the hallways of the past
merely to let you live again
Yet it's a rhythm I cannot hear.

Tonight is for holding that white rose in silent song.
One song length of silver bells.

That's all I can afford.

You're gone.
But not into oblivion.

Resting the wrist....

2008-06-04T02:20:00.000+08:00

Due to my haphazard sleeping patterns, I think I have sprained my wrist. I think it took place slowly over an extended period of time. The bones in the wrist have been making the weirdest 'clicking' sounds.

However, it has progressed into feeling something move and 'pop' if I rotate the wrist slowly. That's the left wrist, by the way. The right has remained at the 'clicking' stage of which I am thankful for. I don't quite know how to explain it. It's like it cannot rotate in a full complete circle (like my ankles due to the twisting over the years), as if the little bones are misaligned or something.

It doesn't hurt but it does feel sort of weird. I have taken to wearing a wrist support at night when I sleep and I do try to keep it on throughout the day. I'm not sure if it is going to work. Cousin-uncle was saying that it might be the keyboard. *shrugs...

Anyway, I've just put on fake nails. It's freaking hard to type in them. I don't know how people with long nails function. I'm supposed to keep them on for not more than 10 days but maybe I will remove them tomorrow. They are just so difficult to work with. I'm typing with them now and the tip of those nails just keep slipping off the keys. I can't type with flat fingers either because the nails are too long and I can't 'run' fast.

Methinks I'm going to take a hiatus from blogging. This is after all the only period where I can afford to have long impractical nails....

On the birthday...

2008-06-01T21:20:00.003+08:00

To celebrate my birthday, the family went out to eat. It was a riot. First of all, the brother was overly eager to lay his hands on the steering wheel.

Chups: Are you driving later?
Bro: Yes
Chups: Do you know how to get there?
Bro: Yah
Chups: So where am I going?
Bro: .................

I wanted to go Bugis and introduce them to the 麻辣火锅. The brother drove us to....erm.. I don't know where..Moulmein?!! We had to figure a way back to Bugis. I found what happened next extremely amusing.

So we were cruising along and while stopping at a T-junction, we noticed a traffic police tagging after a car. Whoa..must be someone important...

The brother, being a goon, went into the same lane behind the conspicuous white van that served as an escort. It was a red light. From a distance, light batons popped out from either side, waving. That meant that we were not allowed to stop behind the van. It took some time for the brother to register. By then, the car had already rolled to a stop behind the white van. Albeit some distance away but still behind.

The light batons continued to wave. There was much excitement in our car as to why there were light batons, who were in the van, how come we were not allowed to stop behind even though there was a significant distance between our car and the van..yadah yadah...

The brother changed to the left lane. We rolled to a stop beside the van. Immediately, windows popped open and someone placed the blue blinking lamp on top of the van. Heads popped out to stare at us ......and our entire family stared back.

PAUSE.............................................................

Then the commotion started again....how come we were not allowed to stop behind the van, why were they staring at us...who were they escorting, how come they placed the blue lamp on top of the van. Most of the question came from the mother. (-_-") In my own black humour, I explained that they thought that we might be terrorists who may open a machine gun from behind them and they wouldn't be able to see.

The lights turned green. We moved off. I caught sight of the important person in the car that they were escorting. No wonder......

Reading a newspaper, he was oblivious to the curious gazes of the family.

The mother started getting ideas in her head, questions like police knocking on our door in the middle of the night like the Red Army decades ago in China... (-_-") I told her....we have a 'P'-plate. It classifies us under 'Dumbos-who-don't-know-any-better'. Anyway the car wasn't even ours.

But I think it was freaking hilarious. The escorts probably thought it was serious business. They stared at us and what did we do? Our entire family turned our heads to look at them in puzzlement. The mother wondered what would happen if we refused to give way or didn't do what they ask.

Erm..........find ourselves stopped in the middle of the road and have a search conducted on us?

The scene of the escorts in the white van scrutinising us while our entire family turned right to look at them as the car slowly rolled to a stop is hilarious. I'm afraid it will be stuck in my head for quite some time and be re-played in slow-motion.

Thanks for all the well-wishes. =)

Status: amused

On not being able to sleep when I should be.

2008-05-31T06:09:00.006+08:00

I'm starting to think that I don't know myself very well.

After wine yesterday, I woke up before 6 a.m. I did a quick calculation and realised I had a conservative estimation of 4 hours of sleep.

I think I woke because my mouth felt parched. Believe it or not, random thoughts started swirling in and crazily enough, I lay in bed thinking that I should do my theory homework. It was a crazy thought because I knew that today would be a long day. Not as long as a typical teaching day per se but yeah..activity-filled and I thought that I shouldn't be up so early if I could help it.

It was impossible to go back to sleep. I have no idea why.

In the end I woke up and padded across the room, wondering what I should do with myself. Checked the time, it was 6 a.m.

Obviously doing theory homework at 6 a.m on a Saturday morning, after wine last night with only 4 hours of sleep isn't a good idea. I would be the first to call myself insane.

I'm not really sure that I understand how I work anymore.

That is the reason why I am sitting in front of a darkened room writing. Puzzled. While I try to figure out what to do.

Event at The Substation: 2nd June 2008

2008-05-30T13:20:00.005+08:00

Buggy works in The Substation

BUGS <---> SUBSTATIONS

hmm....how..erm..apt..LOL

Anyway there is an event (HIS event, or so he says)...He was reluctant to outsource his coffee break to me despite my reassurance that there is minimal charge when it comes to him. Rather than letting me help him take his coffee break, I can do better by going down for a screening of short films and I should 'bring [my] students or homies' (whatever that means)

First Take

Date: 2nd June (Monday)
Time: 8 pm
Venue: The Substation (opposite SMU at 45 Armenian Street)

Admission: FREE

Details:

20th Anniversary: Pak and Son Travels / 20 min (PG)
2 Minutes Away from Launch / 3 min (G)
Di Manakan Ku Cari Ganti (Where can I Find a Replacement) / 16 mins (PG)

Anybody interested? I told Buggy I will go if I can find company...

Wherein I dreamt of Jac getting married.

2008-05-25T14:21:00.005+08:00

It was a pleasant surprise to get Jac's call yesterday. The reason being that I dreamt about her the night before.

I dreamt that I was at her wedding and I saw her sideview from far. Someone, probably her hairdresser was attaching her veil for her while she faced the mirror. I spoke to her mother, commenting on how sudden it was. The mother agreed that it was very sudden, telling me that she just came back from Auzzie and told them that she was getting married.

I remembered wearing a blue dress. I saw the groom from far too. In fact all I saw was his back.

When she called me, I thought how coincidental it was and I was all excited to tell her about my dream. Jac started to question me about the groom...

"Er... I think he was average, with an Armani sort of haircut..short hair..I think he seems to be in either banking or finance."

"You don't know my groom?!!!"

"Ya...EH..I only saw him from afar... WAIT... how come you got married so suddenly and I don't know anything about it?!!!"

"And you are not the bridesmaid?!!"

"Ya..EH... How come I am at your wedding and I AM NOT EVEN THE BRIDESMAID?!!!"

Then I started to get miffed.

"You didn't even have time to talk to me.. you were ignoring me at YOUR wedding.."

It was quite ridiculous, given that I talked to her mother, I remembered that the wedding took place in a morning and she was dressed in a room with French floor-to-ceiling windows. But I didn't know anything about it, I didn't talk to her, I didn't know the groom AT ALL. I mean.. I didn't even know she was getting married till I was summon to make an appearance at her wedding.

And then I was sent to go make sure I see the groom, if I dream about her again. And if I should so happen to dream about her next stage in life, I have to make sure I see her kids clearly too.

(-_-")

All these work....ignored at her wedding and I am not even the bridesmaid.....

Sibu - Day 1

2008-05-20T22:55:00.003+08:00

Rimba resort sent a mini van to pick us up at Newton. The family arrived just in time to pass my my trusty 'ole spectacles which I've forgotten to bring. I actually brought the spectacle case without the spectacles.

The ride was a little uncomfortable because there was little leg room and I felt closed in. Taking the window seat wasn't the best for me because it was dark and with the air-con not working efficiently, it was claustrophobic for me. I got around the problem by falling asleep. As I packed minimally, the clothes could all fit into a A4 plastic document bag and I used it as a pillow.

It was a tedious journey because there were jams everywhere. I felt the van speed at times and in truth, it was what that woke me up intermittently. I just felt unsafe...before drifting back into slumber again.

YJ shared his theory (gotten from his friend)non queues at the checkpoints which I am not going to share here in case the whole world gets to know about it somehow and it doesn't work anymore. Suffice to say that we put his theory to the test and at the Malaysian side, we did end up in a shorter queue.

I slept most of the way and woke up when we reached the jetty.

The midnight boat ride was exhilarating.

The entire landscape was in shades of grey, with the night a darker grey than the sea. The boat went fast in rather choppy waters and we flounced around. I gripped the edge of the boat with my left hand and felt the warm water caressing it. The boat was going so fast that it sent up more than just a spray of the sea. The moon was so bright, the sprays of water, the ripples near the boat and in its wake glittered in the darkness. It was hypnotic. It felt as though I was just in a little enclosed area, of a pool of water. The horizon felt so near and I had this almost irrepressible urge to reach out and touch it. It was like a call in the darkness and I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't a trip down the water channels of a theme park but rather I was in open sea, but a bit in the wilderness.

As we got there so late, it was low tide and we had to trek through rocky terrain in the dark. Granted that there were light and torches along the way, it was not strong enough to dispel all shadows. We had to walk with a firm footing and I still think that running around like a 'sam-seng' girl in flip-flops when I was young has been an advantage because flip-flops was the only footwear I had and throughout the entire stay on the island, I navigated everywhere in them.

For me, I guess the trick is to not put all my weight on the foot when I step down. Rather I tread before gradually increasing my weight on that foot. It's like normal walking except that the processing speed is a bit faster and you decide almost straight away how to curl your feet in or to mould the foot to the rock shape for additional grip. Flip-flops in fact may be better than hard soles when navigating rocky terrain as I can feel the terrain.

Anyway it was with much relief when we reach the place. It wasn't too far off. It's just that walking in the darkness made it hard. We were promptly served with sandwiches, even though it was 1 a.m. in the morning. And oh my, they were delicious. 3 slices of bread with thick filling and mayonnaise in between. Unfortunately, not being a bread person, my limit has always been 2 slices. Thus I was only able to finish half of the sandwiches.

When we were ready, we were shown to our rooms, or rather our huts. We had mosquito nets around our bed. I shared the room with Nana. It was an open-hut concept. The door was merely a sheet of plastic and our bathroom, though attached, had also a plastic sheet for a door. The entire place was made out of wood and as far as I could see, other than the toilet bowl and sink, as well as the bathroom floor.

This is YJ's and JH's room.

All the huts face the sea and the chairs are made out of solid wood. Even the clothes rack and shelves were made out of bamboo.

Well, the downside was that the place being quite close to nature and all, I found a huge insect on the plastic sheet of the door to my hut after coming back from YJ's and JH's hut. Nana and I stared at it for a long moment before she decided that it may just disappear in the morning and did a quick careful pop into the hut. Not so optimistic, I had to go scream for YJ to remove it.

YJ removed the brown large exoskeletal weird thing with his hands, of which I am freaking impressed of. It was about the size of a cockroach. If I were with Gan, she would just tell me to ignore it or at most she will remove the thing with a stick or a leaf, that is after she takes zillion of pictures, a video and declaring countless times how cute the weird monster is. She may not remove it with her bare hands.......if it is weird enough because she will think that it may be poisonous....and will just keep reiterating in her no-nonsense tone for me to leave it alone even though it is possible that she may be scared of it too. *SNIFFS...lolz..

If she actually removes it, it will be due to my incessant whining. If it is a good day when her tolerance level is like freaking high, I will have to be stuck with fighting the mental image of weird insects attaching to my face and trying to bore a hole through with acidic chomps....

I blame it on watching too many "The Mummy" and its sequels with their scarab beetles.

YJ and Gan are quite alike in many ways..does long treks, loves nature...hmm so who is better to have on nature trips?......Gan is lovely but YJ removes stuff with bare hands with no questions asked !!! Haha....ok..rather I don't have to whine too hard and not know for sure if it is going to disappear.

Gan.. will you have removed that horrid weird thing? Does YJ have more guts than you?!!!

(A challenge in the event that I find myself in a similar situation, with her..=P)

I mean it is not like it is on the verandah or something, it is on the plastic sheet that has to be flipped open when we enter. What if the thing flies to my face or something....*shudders

However I must say that I am definitely not the type of girl to fall in a swoon whenever I see an insect. I am fine with them...(even if they are weird) as long as they know their place and maintain a respectable distance and not try to be funny. If it was on the wall beside the plastic sheet, resting there quietly, it would be ok...just not on the plastic flap of my door. Our hut attracted various sort of insects, like mozzies (plenty) and even moths and dragonflies...oh as well as lizards (plenty) and we all cohabit fine and well together.

Anyway our place had no hot water. The drainage isn't fantastic but it works. I think YJ and JH had no problem with theirs' at all. The water comes from the ground. It is potable and tastes sweet.

As there was no hot water available at 2 a.m. in the morning and Nana didn't mind sharing the bed with stinky me, I didn't bathe (I didn't perspire that much anyway)...Nana bathed and yup.. then we slumbered....

Back from Sibu

2008-05-20T00:21:00.000+08:00

I'm back from my trip.

However I cannot type really well now because I have 2 cuts on two of my fingertips and at least one small gouge on my left thumb.

I also have 3 cuts on the sole of my feet and a bit of scratches on one of my outer left ankle and one stinging one on the inner right ankle.

Still I must admit I fared the best out of the group.

It has been a rather eventful trip, I must say, with huge waves, perverted lizards..being stranded on hot sharp stones which burn, cut and slices, along with stuff like being surrounded by menacing jellyfishes....from all around.

I STILL SHUDDER AT THE THOUGHT.

Details later...People who play the piano know how tender the fingers can get (as opposed to playing the erhu or the guitar)

My poor fingers. *SOBS

Food is filling up my life

2008-05-15T23:02:00.006+08:00

Remember the instant Japanese curry mix I got?

I decided to cook it. Instructions were fairly simple, just put it in boiling water for a few minutes and then pour out the contents to rice.

Basically, vegetables such as carrots and potatoes (I think) are included, so it will be good alone with rice. However I added meat by simply slicing it and grilling it before I poured the sauce over. Lun did this before, for the SEC by using cutlets I think, so the alternative will be to fry the cutlets?

Anyway I mixed it all up and started eating before I remembered to take the picture, so it doesn't exactly look appetising here but trust me, it tastes better than it looks. After all, it is idiot-proof-instant-mix, you can hardly go wrong.

The only problem is that it is slightly more time-consuming than instant noodles. It definitely costs more and I cannot say that it is healthier. But it's different if I want something more to do rather than popping in a packet of noodles into the water.

Anyway, for dinner, the mother marinated chicken and sprinkled some herbs onto the chicken and left it in the fridge under clingwrap. My job was to pop it in the oven for grilling.

I took out the chicken to thaw for a bit as putting it into the oven straight away takes up more heat and uses more unnecessary energy. However, don't leave it for the entire afternoon as it could spoil.

Grilling is quite healthy. You cannot imagine the puddle of oil that came from the chicken itself. Can you imagine how much oil is ingested if the chicken was deep-fried? *shudders...Not that I am adverse to fried stuff, I still eat them. However, I believe in not taking in oil and fats when it is not necessary.

Gan is also back. I needed to return her a book and I asked if she wanted to borrow anything. Upon searching my shelves, I realise I need to re-organise them. This is only one shelf, mostly for classics..

Yup, so we met up for an early supper since she had to work tomorrow. Xiao Long Pau was no more...*SOBS, so we had to cross the road to the shophouses and settled for a HongKong-concept cafe. Like Fish, she had the Lemon-honey but the glass isn't as pretty.

I had tea....=P
and of course we ate stuff but I forgot to take pictures. Anyway those are just random pictures, I am awfully trigger-happy these past few days. MOSTLY because I just have less things to do now and I need to find more things to fill my time so that the days don't stretch too long. Taking pictures is a good 'filler activity'.

Another reason why we met up was because Gan just came back from Brisbane and she brought back a whole bag of goodies with her. One full Standard Chartered marathon gym bag. Need I say more? She spent like more than 100 SGD on food alone and she said that I can pick what I want out of that bag..

=D

I got my Choya !! And I am happy even though it is not free..LOL

Other goodies that I 'ka-pok' out of her bag include the lemon cheesecake slice biscuits and the Cinnamon & Apple tea (I have yet to see in in Singapore). The satchets of tea and coffee was what Gan threw into the backseat of the car..LOL

There is a reason why Gan is good as a pseudo boyfriend. The minute she opened her bag, she tossed me the Bailey's flavoured chocolate and told me they are for me...and a whole bag of them at that....It has the Chups' name written all over it. =D

Who needs boyfriends when you have one of the greatest girlfriends who gets you stuff like Bailey's-filled chocolate?!!

I don't think anybody at this present moment can read me so well. I'm like dreadfully happy with my lemon cheesecake flavoured biscuits, cinnamon and apple tea, my one big bottle of Choya and my Bailey's chocolate. They have my favourite food elements in them, like cheesecake, cinnamon....chocolate.....MMMMMMMMM.. and trust me.. It's almost heaven when you get to rummage through that BIG bag of goodies like a pack rat.

So that means more running....who cares when I can eat them?!!

And they are all MINE !!!

MINE !!!!!

*CACKLES WITH JOY !!!!

The end of practicum

2008-05-10T01:15:00.001+08:00

Practicum was not easy. We worked in our little room. But now, like what Za said, I will never be able to be around that area without feeling the presence of their presence.

The laughters and tears echo in the corridors and resound in the room. Our mess, our stress, our fears, our bond, the lining that joins us all, have all been etched into the surroundings.

I will traverse the hallways, hearing their voices, hearing laughters, hearing tears, hearing the support, with the weight of the memories tied to my heart, I will gladly bear.

Eating the favourite "kueh-chi" together...where we were allowed to be ourselves and accepted for who we are...

The "lup-kopi" sessions....

In a certain way, we belong to each other.

Who could ever imagine that the end can be so simple and yet so difficult?

The pattering footsteps of Rinchen, the bear dances of a duckie, the robust laughter of Gab, the exasperation that Jojo brings, the many questions of Grace......I will....

My heart will hear everything that my ears does not. My heart will strain to hear them and perhaps when all is quiet, perhaps I would turn and catch a glimpse of a heel disappearing around the corner, hear an echo of a laughter, see the shadow of a dancing bear and I will remember and smile softly to myself.

Memories scent the air. I will step back into time with every crossing of the threshold, the closing of doors.

Halls, classrooms, the parade square...they will never be the same again.

These people..............are worth every tear I shed for the parting. Other than the 8 of us, Dean, Intan, Nurus and John (who is not here)....they have all made a tough experience priceless, so much so that I'm sorry to see them go.

I'm sorry it came to an end.

But, even though I will miss them very much, I know these stars have gone elsewhere to shine and give their light and warmth to those that need them even more than I do.

28/2/08 - 9/5/08

Practicum.
10 weeks of training.
A lifetime of friendship.

Thank you for being there when I needed you.

Not able to sleep...

2008-05-04T22:47:00.006+08:00

Didn't do much today.

Doing too little, sleeping too much, results in the inability to sleep at midnight.

I drove the parents to NTUC in the evening as the mother wanted to make use of her vouchers. I headed for everything I wanted and dropped them into the basket I helped to carry. I dropped a bottle of Choya in. I love Choya. It is one of the early favourites, when I hit legal drinking age.

However the bottle of Choya had gone missing.

I think the mother hid it. (-_-")

Other than Tiger and Sheridan's, there is nothing else.

And after battling the inferno from outside and then spending the next few hours next to the oven baking.....I don't want Sherridan's and hot coffee (which is how I usually drink it)

I cannot open another bottle and risk the mother's wrath of taking up fridge space..... She was complaining a few weeks ago that we have juice, milk and that Sheridan's in the fridge. Never mind that the weather is hot and we need variety. The mother can get easily agitated when the fridge's space is taken up by non-essentials. And we have a really small fridge because long ago, they built them tiny and to last. Our tiny fridge is as old as I am.

But that's something for another time...anyway so I was left with Tiger...beer. (-_-")

It would be good for me to drink because....work has slowed to a crawl and less work wreaks havoc on diet and sleeping hours. I've been feeling the urge to eat, only to have food placed in front of me before I realise I have no appetite. Not only that, the intake of food has lessened. I can barely finish a bowl of standard foodcourt fare. Trust me, I was shocked when I couldn't finish my bowl of noodles, especially when I was in a bad mood earlier because I was ravenous. Last week, after the bout of viral thing I caught, I've also realised that two slices of bread can last me more than 8 hours when previously I could eat every 2-3 hours.

My bed-time has also gotten later. This is bad because I still need to wake up early on weekdays. And I am really the type of people who needs to really sleep a lot before the brain can function at optimum processing speed. But not working till I'm exhausted means I really cannot sleep.

And trust me, there are only so many teddy bears and jewellery stuff and 'you-tubing' I can do. In fact, I'm bored already after spending the entire of last night 'you-tubing'.

Ok I admit it. I like variety in life and I get easily bored. But hey..I AM a Gemini.

And so even though I really don't feel much like beer, I'm taking large swigs of it. Hopefully I will start feeling sleepy at 1 a.m. and not like 3 a.m.

I would actually have ran just now except that the heat is really stopping me. The weather is simply crazy. But then so was I just now, to actually decide to try out baking in that new oven that I've just coerced the mother to buy. But I was REALLY bored.

The oven was too small so I could only make little batches at a time. I ended up reading while waiting for each batch to be finish so that I could pop the next one in.

And I was sitting in the corner as shown in the picture.

As you can see, I must have been very bored to actually take pictures while baking cookies. Anyway while I was baking, I figured that someone is going to have to finish those cookies.

Here's Sheridan's. This picture was taken quite a while back. I bought this because I thought it was interesting to have both the coffee layered liquour and the cream come out at the same time. Oh and it does...in fact one of my greatest kick out of it is seeing the black and white pour out together. It's quite close to Bailey's but unlike Bailey's I never did acquire a taste for it on the rocks. I pour this in my coffee for one of those sunny afternoons when I have a good book by my side. As you can see, there is still quite a fair bit left. I don't think anybody in this house is a fan of Sheridan's.

And I bought it only to realise I've outgrown stuff like Bailey's and Sheridan's, which is a crying shame actually because I still have to finish the entire bottle...and as time passes, it is beginning to seem like I have to finish it all by myself, preferably before it expires....so if the SEC wants me to bring this bottle for any gatherings....let me know...I just poured this into my coffee last week, it's still good. And I only opened it like a few weeks back.

However, it's not like I can't drink it. I just realised that given a choice between something else and Bailey's, I may not necessarily choose to buy it, unlike in the past. When I drink this, half the time it is because I like to see the stuff pour out of separate openings....lolz

Wine is still quite a constant, so is desert wines like Port and Sherry but I think I am starting to acquire a taste for stuff like D.O.M. Probably because there is always some in the house that I can't help but eventually acquire tastebuds for it. I like the smell of spices in it and mixing it with orange juice is quite nice, really. But that is the parent's domain and they haven't opened a new bottle since the last one half a year ago. I think they've forgotten all about it.

Anyway, you can probably tell by now that I'm just blogging because I cannot get to sleep. Reading doesn't work for me because I will just finish the entire book. The Tiger is almost gone and it doesn't seem to be working. I think I will just run next time. But it's almost 2 a.m. already and I should really try to sleep and hope that the Tiger does work.

Sigh..really.. I think next time? I'll just run. After bathing and all, I'm sure I'll be pooped enough to sleep.

Nightout: Jazz@Southbridge

2008-05-01T23:03:00.006+08:00

Wonderful wonderful night.

I love live bands.
I love 'chilling' out.

I love having music running through me.

I had them all last night.

Went to Jazz at Southbridge
(There were problems linking due to the @)

I prefer jazz with less rag-time but still...wonderful wonderful lovely lovely evening.

I could be at any place, at any time there, listening to music, hypnotised by the drums and the piano.

I feel like going back to my short-lived obsession with jazz and soul. Wait.. my obsession IS back. I need to do more for my collection.

I remember why I loved it so. Music is like a dream. But jazz is like the creme de la creme of those dreams. I like funny notes like minor seconds, flats and sharps. And what's jazz?

Jazz is when you turn an ankle, while running in a field of flowers and yet you smile and say you're fine. That's the feeling it gives.

Tinkling running chromatic notes that never ceased. Off-beat drumming that sound just right. Discordant harmony.

"You-tubing" Diana Krall, Renee Olstead, Kenny G....and erm...Frank Sinatra...hahaha

A Love That Will Last

I want a little something more
Don't want the middle or the one before
I don't desire a complicated past
I want a love that will last

Say that you love
Say I'm the one
Don't kiss and hug me and then try to run
I don't do drama
My tears don't fall fast
I want a love that will last

(Chorus)
I don't want just a memory
Gives me forever
Don't even think about saying good-bye
Cuz i want just one love to be enough
And remain in my heart till i die

So call me romantic
Oh I guess that must be so
Theres something more that you oughta know
I'll never leave you
So don't even ask
I want a love that will last

Forever
I want a love that will last
I want a love that will last

(Chorus)
I don't want just a memory
Give me forever
Don't even think about saying good-bye
Cuz i want just one love to be enough
And remain in my heart till i die

So theres little more that i need
I wanna share all the air you breathe
I'm not the kinda girl to complicate the past
I want a love that will last

Forever
I want a love the love that last
Always
I just want a love that will last
Want a love that will last

on being ill

2008-04-29T22:27:00.001+08:00

I went to a doctor yesterday. I've been having fever on and off since Saturday. I will take some paracetamol, break into a sweat, feel better only to have a fever again, a few hours later.

It's been going on for a few days.

The doctor says that it is normal and that I just have to let my body build up immunity against the virus. I am supposed to take paracetamol or panadol when the fever comes.

Fantastic.

Except with this heat? I cannot tell if I am feeling hot and warm because of a fever or because of the heat. I also cannot tell if I am sweating because of the humidity or if it is because the body is on a winning streak against the fever because of the medicine.

Fantastic.

I've also been taking different versions of paracetamol because I'm cleaning up the house supply. Doctor-dispensed parcofen, doctor-dispensed paracetamol, over-the-counter panadol, you name it, the Chups ate it. The doctor I saw yesterday didn't prescribe me any paracetamol or its equivalent because I told him I have them in the house.

But it's all gone now. Woo-hoo !!

On a side note, while googling to check if I had spelt 'paracetamol' correctly, I learnt from Wikipedia that it is derived from all things......'coal tar'.

I have been ingesting the by-products of coal tar.

Fantastic.

It's bad enough knowing that there are funny chemicals with potential side effects running amok in the body. Of course it may not be 'coal tar' per se but....I'm going to turn to the Chup's residential pharmacist for help.

Jac..can you please clarify this?

And I don't want to sound whiny here but......I really hate being sick and trust me..having a fever in this weather is the last thing anybody wants.

A respite from work

2008-04-27T00:18:00.000+08:00

FINALLY, a break from work.

I went back on Friday after work to change and headed to Bukit Timah to dine with Gan. Xiao Long Pau..oh man..*slurps

It was then to Chinatown as I had to get some craft stuff to work with. I ended up buying 2 pairs of pumps for work. Practical shoes.

Then I dropped Gan on the way back and fetched the mother.

Today I was bored. I contemplated going for practice but I thought it was dumb since I wasn't involved in the concert in July. Besides though I do not need to hand in anymore lesson plans for the time being, I still needed to mark. I called QJ to see if he wanted lunch and he said he couldn't because he had a paper and he would not be going for practice.

That settled it.

During the early dinner, Iv called to say that theory lesson was cancelled.

I decided to cajole my parents into going out. In the end, we went to Vivo. I think I spent a bomb in two days. I bought 4 books today and went to Marks and Spencer...AGAIN. Plus the craft stuff I got yesterday..considering petrol, food, parking and all, I must have hit $200.

Guilty pleasures.

And I forgot to buy something so I'll have to head out to JP to get the parts.

Ah well...

Lastly, I think I'm coming down with Z's bug. The nose's been dripping non-stop for an entire day and I started to feel feverish on the drive back.

Art is not the intent to shock

2008-04-25T02:49:00.009+08:00

During the random blogsurfing of my favourite bloggers, I came across an article of how an artist starved a dog to death in the name of art.

This was what I did.

I read the entry.

I pondered about it.

I signed the petition against it and added a comment, "Art is not the intent to shock"

I googled it.

I then did more pondering.

But I probably should have googled everything before signing anything.

Outrage at 'starvation' of a stray dog for art
Gerard Couzens in Madrid
Sunday March 30, 2008
Chaining up a dog and forcing it to go without food and water in the name of art is a surefire way of making yourself unpopular with animal lovers. The furore created by Damien Hirst's pickled sheep and Tracey Emin's dirty bed pales into insignificance against the international outrage Guillermo 'Habacuc' Vargas has unleashed.

The Costa Rican has been called an animal abuser, killer and worse over claims that a stray dog called Natividad died of starvation after he displayed it at an exhibition last year at the Códice Gallery in Managua, Nicaragua. Vargas tethered the animal without food and water under the words 'Eres Lo Que Lees' - 'You Are What You Read' - made out of dog biscuits while he played the Sandinista anthem backwards and set 175 pieces of crack cocaine alight in a massive incense burner. More than a million people have signed an online petition urging organisers of this year's event to stop Vargas taking part.

Vargas, 32, said he wanted to test the public's reaction, and insisted none of the exhibition visitors intervened to stop the animal's suffering. He refused to say whether the animal had survived the show, but said he had received dozens of death threats.

Juanita Bermúdez, director of the Códice Gallery, insisted Natividad escaped after just one day. She said: 'It was untied all the time except for the three hours the exhibition lasted and it was fed regularly with dog food Habacuc himself brought in.'
Source: The Guardian

I suppose I should have googled before I signed the petition but my excuse was that it was 2 a.m. in the morning. When I read that article, I was first outraged which quickly settled into a clinical detachment meaning I questioned my outrage.

What is the difference between having a dog slowly starved to death in the street and having it starved to death in a museum?

If we are questioning the medium, isn't realism one of the highest form of art?

My mind is fixated on that ONE question: What is the difference?

I'm sure there has to be some explanation for it. I can't say it is wrong just because I feel replused. Just because I cringe in disgust at having death manipulated at the hands of a man filled with cruelty?

Guillermo Vargas infringed on the rights of a dog? Is that sufficient explanation?

I never had a dog. Though I do not dislike them, I have to admit that other than the occasional petting and playing of my friends' pets and strays, my affection is weaker for them than other animal-lovers. I wanted to say that Man has more rights over animals. Then I realised that I don't entirely believe in that sentence either because we are a mere part of this Earth.

Perhaps what I truly meant was that Man are stronger than animals. Hence it is not a question of right or wrong. When viewed from another perspective, the question posed is whether Man has a duty to protect and not abuse his strength and position?

Yes. But when it comes to a bigger reason, perhaps in the name of art or education, which side should the balance tip towards?

We all have a duty to fulfill and part of the reason for existing is to fulfil that duty. Hume once said, "I believe that no man ever threw away life while it was worth keeping." Though his discourse was on suicide, that was a phase well-remembered enough for me to recall in the thinking of this issue. If a dog's life cannot be sacrificed for art, then how do we justify sacrificing our people for war?

If a dog was tied up and starved to death in the name of science, will there be lesser outrage? Imagine a scientist stating that his reason for doing so was to study how the organs shut down when deprived of food. Is science any less important than the arts?

What I understand of society as a whole is this. Life is more valuable than art but may not be more valuable than education, should the particular infomation be valuable towards saving future lives However our country, our land, our people, our identity as a people could possibly be more valuable than life itself.

Which is interesting....really...considering that the differences is what we make out of it.

And yes....even after knowing it is a hoax, I will still sign the petition. (Boycott to the presence of Guillermo Vargas "Habacuc" at the Bienal Centroamericana Honduras 2008)

The reason being, I don't like ugly deeds, ideas and actions. And you have to admit no matter how wonderful an idea or reason the artist had, having a mangled dog slowly die in front of you isn't exactly the prettiest of sight.

But the irony is because of that exhibit, the artist is chosen to preseent at the Bienal Centroamerican Honduras 2008 but with a different exhibit. (Note: nobody has been able to prove that the events were misrepresented, other than the artist's and the director's claim that the dog ran away.) Read Starving dog art

With all the controversy, he is going to get even more publicity.

...

Ah well...

victims always win

2008-04-22T23:05:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if it has never been about right or wrong after all but about who's weaker.

Is that why people are getting less resilient?

Because we can't always do the right thing, because we can't always be strong, when we cannot, we are the shattered, we are the victims revelling in sympathetic attention.

So that we can, in our own skewed perceptions of reality, think that we have won.

trying to be positive

2008-04-16T01:00:00.002+08:00

My previous post was negative, wasn't it?

But I guess I have to stop using the blog as an outlet for depressing, frustrating stuff. Or else one day I will read through everything and wonder why was I ever so angry and depressive. I've been listening to French songs and it really made me feel better. And I should blog too when I am happy and calm.

I still want to do French and composing and take up music lessons again.

And it's almost 2 years since I've graduated from university in June '06. I've completed driving lessons, gotten my licence and I'm taking music theory lessons right now. Exams are in November. I haven't had any time to prepare yet but here's hoping a space to study will pop up from between now till then.

I've started on enrolling myself in marathons and finishing a 42 km run by 30 seems possible. I AM doing all the things that I want to be doing and the pace seems good enough.

Now that the whole roaring of the storm is behind me, all I hear is the steady tinkling of a fork on a wine glass. Somehow I am hungry again.

But I think I should go and sleep soon. Life is really like running. Sometimes when I think I can no longer go on and it gets so tiring, its becomes all about mental determination. One foot after another and then it doesn't seem so bad and I have no problems continuing until the next wave of how I cannot ..cannot go on...floods again.

Inches apart

2008-04-11T01:16:00.005+08:00

Inches apart

Olive green solemn face
Serious concentration for all that remains
Warrior, fighter, guardian it seems
And the cold wind blows and blazes its hurried ways

Icicles sprinkles of sharp shards

penetrate

that dull armour chinks

Dented metal and bruised heart embrace
Frown lines, lined eyes of what secrets shared?
Lost years and a missing touch
Of wronged time

Of wrong stages
Of a closer bond that nothing can ever put in place

A porcelain figurine
lost in the forgotten realm
inches away from the old guardian sword

Apart in hollow darkness

There.
Together.
And not

losing weight

2008-04-05T23:47:00.002+08:00

I think I've been losing weight.

Last week, K commented that I look thinner and JinY agreed when I looked to her for confirmation.

This week, someone at work commented on my waist. Apparently it is very small though I have no idea why someone would say that because no matter how I look at it, it doesn't look small to me.

Today HQ commented that I look thinner too and when she came over to me to ask me to fill in my T-shirt size, she then decided that I should get XXS....and apparently I have lost so much weight that I look unproportionate because now my head seems bigger than my body.... though I figured it could also be because my head is a mass of tangled curls. Then she asked me is it because I sleep late that is why my face retained water....

On one hand, I am glad that I am losing weight. But........have I lost THAT MUCH weight?!

Hmm.....I think I need to get a weighing machine to weigh myself. For all I know, I could have already hit the target of 42 kg which was my weight back in JC without even realising it.

But the thing is....I'm eating..sometimes more than 1 lunch per day. I also drink coffee many times a day with double dosage of Milo... With regards to exercising, other than the one hockey training I've been to and 2 games of Captain balls and running once a week about 2 km with the students really really slowly, I haven't done much exercising in 2 months. I've stopped with running on Sundays.

You mean 5 weeks of practicum can do that to me?!

Wow......maybe by the end of practicum I will look even smaller...maybe with a little more help, my weight can even go below 40?? I'll be back to secondary school size !!!

Ok, I think I'm running tomorrow. I think I need to 'bitch' to WQ anyway, might as well just lose more weight. I think I need to anyway.

Holidays and museums

2008-03-15T21:31:00.000+08:00

I went to the National Museum with XH today. I've been meaning to go except that I just couldn't find the time and suddenly, a few months just flew past. I was lucky. It was the last week for the exhibition.

When I was much younger, I used to be really fascinated by Greek mythology. Actually I was fascinated by mythology as a whole. I knew who was Isis, the Egyptian goddess, the Greek and Romanised names of the Gods of Olympus. I grew up knowing Neptune and Poseidon were the same and what they governed.

Mythology, along with fairy tales, fables and history were part of my childhood. I remembered the feeling of being lost in that world, every first time I encountered a story about them...so much that I read and re-read them in a bid to hold on to that pleasure, eventually they still faded away.

I slowly grew up and the tales held less and less magic for me, even if I read them after a long time had passed since I last did.

My velocity of reading increased. My comprehension increased. Books that took a sustained effort before, books like 'Little Women' 'The Little Princess', they took at least 2 days of sustained reading before...where I would get up in the middle of the night just to finish them....as I grew older, they could be finished in less than a day.

That was how I gradually lost my childhood. And yet I still read those books of mine sometimes, perhaps because of what they had given me before, they deserve much more than to be left away in some forgotten corner to be buried under dust.

Two years ago when I went to the Louvre in France, my aim wasn't the Greek sculptures. I wanted to see the paintings I heard so much about. And yet when I came across the sculptures, they reminded me of my childhood, the numerous hours spent poring over fiction and imagined reality. The Greek sculptures were amazing. They are indeed breath-taking. Yet their beauty were eclipsed by the lost pleasures of childhoods.

I know the figures well and yet they no longer bring with them that fizz and zest. What they have is akin to the rich full-bodied taste of wine. I can only remember that I once had it, perhaps even the notes but can never recall exactly how it tastes like.

And so when I read that the Greek pieces were slated for exhibition in Singapore, I was vastly intrigued, not because of my love for Greek history, not because of my long-lost childhood passion for stories but because I have seen them before in France, not too long before. Recent history is but all I can relate to now.

There were like friends I made in France, here for a visit.

And yet the famous pieces that caught my eye were not here. It forced me to take a look at the other pieces and I learnt.
The youth held a bird in his right hand. The carvings depicted the moment of choice. That is if he was going to give the bird to his dog or to set it free.

This was supposed to be a long entry but then I deleted everything away because I no longer am that enthusiastic to let people know what and how I think. I guess that is why I have been writing and then deleting my entries.

Anyway if I keep writing, I'll end up saying more and then finish off by deleting everything I've typed.

So yeah...I went off for drinks with Gan and QJ after the museum trip.

Ended up saying more than I should, yesterday.

I should start imposing a word limit, or maybe count to three before saying anything. And no, nothing massive happened. I just happened to realise that hustle and bustle is instinctive but I feel most at peace with myself when everything is quiet.

It's been awfully cold recently...

Nothing beats a cup of coffee with a generous dash of liquor while I read.

Sigh I don't know if I want the book to finish or not.

Ah well....it's going to take another half a day at least before I can get back to churning out lesson plans and marking scripts.

I love working late but I can't except on weekends.

Give a holler if you want supper then.

something new everyday

2008-03-12T20:18:00.002+08:00

I taught father something new today...

I explained the term 'sai kang'

XD

"Sai-kang" : Noun. Colloquial (Singapore)

[Definition]

Resolving screw-ups.
Refers to jobs outside of one's job scope.
Extra generally unimportant duties

[Usage]

I can't believe I am clearing his sai-kang for him.
I cannot get any proper work done because I am stuck with this sai-kang.
My boss gives me all the sai-kang, like making me pick up his dry-cleaning for him. I think he doesn't like me.

[Spin-off]

"Sai-kang warrior": Someone who is always saddled with time-consuming unimportant work.

exploring the rocky coastline at Labrador park

2008-03-09T22:26:00.002+08:00

I went for a nature walk along the rocky coast line at Labrador Park yesterday. As usual, I had forgotten all about it until I was reminded by YJ. I even forgot to note it down. Not that I had forgotten about the walk. It was more like the date didn't really hit me. I had no idea that the 8th of March was already here.

When reminded the night before, the brain nearly crashed due to the lack of processing power. My eyes nearly crossed while I struggled to remember what I was supposed to do on Saturday. Usually I will have practice (which I will be MIA-ing till May), I have theory lessons... and then I hit my forehead in dismay because I had yet to finish my homework. In the end, I realise that it would be far beneficial to go for the walk than to go for theory lessons.

The day was relaxing. A whole day of not doing anything which meant that I could possibly expiate later on in the near future. I drove there and the place was dotted with military police.......who looked at me while I parked my car. (-_-")

ok.. I had problems because their huge truck blocked my way and I had problems navigating into the slot...and so one guy offered his suggestions while the rest watched.

I told my mother about it...she said I should have asked them if I looked like Mas Selamat..bleah...

The walk was relaxing. Because all I had to do was just listen. And I saw lots of stuff like really tiny hermit crabs, weird worms, remnants of oyster shells on walls. They were really pretty, the pillars looked as though they were inlaid with mother-of-pearl.

That's me and because of the knots in the pants and the angle..

I have a huge tummy !! ^%$&^$&^

Stepped on some corals..oops..we didn't mean to. And I also learnt how to distinguish them from the normal barnacle-riddled stones. Pried open shell-stuff from their rocks. I can't remember their names but I know enough to look out for them lest I sit or squash them from now on. Most seaweeds are edible. I saw the seaweed that agar-agar was made from. There was even this really unique seaweed that contained calcium as well as sea-grapes that looked like large green pomelo sacs. Someone actually put it into her mouth and described it as salty with a bitter after-taste.

Oh most shelled-animals we saw are mostly edible too. So I figured Mas Selamat can probably hide out for a very long time if he is near the coast..lol

It felt like a holiday.

I was glad I went....it as a nice short reprieve and then now...it's back to work again..

Pickled 'Chu'

2008-02-18T01:17:00.001+08:00

As I get older, amidst all the hustle and bustle in life, I realise I need a peaceful inlet, what people would commonly know as 'Chu' time.

I realise sometimes I don't quite fancy the notion of spending time with people with nothing but superficial topics. And yet that seem to be the only thing we can discuss. And sometimes a phrase is all I have to sum up the entire complicated stuff happening because with people I rarely meet up with, the last thing I want to do is to 'bitch'.

Even if it is allowed, I tend to hide the more exuberant vocal side. Somehow I am just not comfortable anymore with 'bitching' with those I was comfortable 'bitching' with before. Even if it is allowed and you are comfortable with 'bitching' somehow it just wouldn't do to introduce a negative topic into the conversation especially if nothing leads up to it.

I guess the whole point of this entry is I am indeed bugged by an issue. It ain't anything bad. It's just some confusing stuff that I have yet to see the light of. And no, I don't really want to talk about it with people because I don't think I want to hear what other people have to say. Because I'm concerned that it would affect my judgement and right now, I guess the thing I feel most comfortable with is my own judgement even if it is indeed mixed in with uncertainty.

Was with Nana and I was wondering if I should just talk to her. It then struck me that I don't really want to talk to people about it.

I just want to soak myself in some pickled 'Chu' time. But is it age? Or is it because when it comes to certain stuff I don't have anybody right to talk to anymore.

wherein I whine about work progress

2008-02-16T02:08:00.002+08:00

To be done:

~~One 1500-word essay complete with references, appendix, cover page~~
One 2000-word essay complete with references, appendix, cover page
One chemistry lesson plan complete with materials

One reflection on microteaching (which I've forgotten)

(-_-")

Minus 1, add 1 = status quo

ARGH !

I'm in deep shit again

2008-02-14T22:05:00.001+08:00

I know I am down in deep shit when it comes to work, when:

Nana had free premiere tickets to the spin-off of Death Note for yesterday and I said I couldn't go. (I COULDN'T GO !!!!) You know if it was actually possible, I would have procrastinated any work..super obvious that I was at the end of my tether...
Nana had tickets to a another god-knows-what romantic comedy today and I couldn't go and my brain was so filled with other stuff that I forgot all about charging my handphone and missed her SMS.
HF messages if the peeps were free for a 团拜 on Sunday and all that came out of me was a rude SMS stating 'not free'
it didn't even strike to me that the SMS was rude until upon hindsight when I was so giddy from staring at the computer that I could no longer walk straight.

Sigh..."No !" to free movie tickets to premieres....TWICE in two days...Fantastic lor...

The worst thing is I have absolutely no idea how to write the 2 essays that sums up to be 3500 words in total. But at least I handed in the test construction for Maths today and got 2 presentations over and done with.

2 essays + 1 lesson plan to be completed by Wednesday. Aiming to finish on Monday.

Jay Chou's concert '08

2008-01-20T23:35:00.000+08:00

Jay Chou's concert was disappointing. I've been to 3 I think and the latest one (which was so darn hard to get tickets for) was the lousiest of all that I've seen.

There was definitely something wrong, to my ears, that is.

Nana was saying he 'minus-ed' a few keys, completely avoiding the higher ranges. I knew it was wrong but once she pointed that out. Yeah.. it seemed like he was singing at least 2 keys lower. That is like at least 4 semitones?! For 'Ju Hua Tai' he had trouble holding the notes. He sounded breathless and lyrics came out staggered.

Then of course, I have to admit that I am no trained professional. But let's say even if his pitch, tone and key was perfect, his voice wasn't pretty. The funny thing was...his older songs were ok. Perhaps he tweaked his later compositions to a more appealing key and found himself unable to maintain quality at the higher range.

A segment of the concert...and 'live' was better of course because I didn't get the most expensive tickets and so wasn't sitting at the front when I was recording this. Still....taking into account the poorer audio quality, the flaws were evident. The parts where the notes were down by a semitone...flatter....(>.<)

Updated: I compared this video with the MTV on Youtube....the concert one sounds lower...

Pitch, tone, even the key seemed understated. Nana was of the opinion that he couldn't make it 'live' as in he couldn't hit the high notes 'live' so to be safe, keys of some songs were lowered. Of course the consequence of that is the characteristics of the song will be lost. Somehow this concert paled in comparison to his previous concerts despite the large amount of fireworks, laser lights and fanciful dancers.

It was a good show but ultimately the point to his concert, (which was his voice !!!) lacked lustre. I guess I will still support his CDs as there are clearly not much fault with them. However as to his concerts, I will have to think twice after being so disillusioned. At least if I am ever going again to see if there is any redeeming factors, I will be purchasing the cheapest ticket available.

Of course, the general opinion that I've gotten so far was that his concert was fabulous. Definitely.....the glamour and 'seh' was there what.. plus all the gimicks and fireworks and colourful ribbons floating down....

I suppose that it is unsurprising that his talent as a singer did not impress. After all, nobody is expected to have it all. Well...either he was not feeling on form that day or he bit off more than he could chew with his later compositions.

Ok..I just thought of one redeeming factor... there didn't seem to be a problem with his tempo..rhythmic sense was ok...

Status: disillusioned...

Readings on Indochina

2008-01-18T01:44:00.001+08:00

A while back, I spent relatively less time online until a friend commented that she didn't see me online anymore. I got sick of myself being unproductive. I mean I hardly do anything when I am online except maybe to 'stone' or to engage in MSN conversations that I have no recollections when I go offline.

And so with the number of books I have lining up to be read, I've been reading.

I've finished 1 so far and on my way to finishing another. The first book I started with proved to be too dry and abstract for me to persist on. It is almost impossible to read without a good grounding in the political, historical and social environment of the era and so I left it aside for the time being.

The third one I am reading now, 'Voices of S-21' is a relatively easier read. I've gone from knowing almost nothing to knowing a little, enough to start a little critical thinking.

I read the heavy stuff for around an hour before I go to bed and I've realised that as I drift off to sleep, the same questions keep floating back to me. As someone who has traversed the path of education, and still walking it now, perhaps even playing the role of the occasional guide, I've always thought that knowledge is a good thing.

Education is something to be lauded. However a little knowledge in the hands of the ignorant is so deadly. The Khmer Rouge took that to new heights. I kept wondering how it was possible to have such a good idea fail. Was communism doomed to fail? The utopian society not possible at all?

Or was there just not enough time for it to develop?

I was reading a paragraph whereby the Khmer Rouge believed that dedication to the state was of utmost importance and they undermined family ties as well as ties of any other sort. They failed of course. If they have persisted, would they finally achieve what they had imagined?

Of course there were many layerings and discrete bubbles of ideas in various colours and degrees of vividness floating and swirling around my head. Bubbles too big for me to hug, like the political system and their respective ideologies where I was trying to make sense of what they were actually thinking. The different sometimes contradictory aspects and approaches of the party is still quite formless to me. In the whole phantasmagorical state of my surrealist mind, they form and disappear.

Scenes from the movie, The Matrix, appear. Soldiers in their drab uniforms march sternly with their loyalty, confidence and dedication almost forming a visible aura surrounding them. Even 'Animal Farm' made an appearance.

People were imprisoned on suspicions of treason. I mean realistically, which government wouldn't? Taking into account the newly-formed government, the whole global political climate back then of communism versus capitalism and the desire to be strong, independent and to create a society of equality, I drift into sleep almost every night wondering if the whole genocide thing is worth its weight in hype.

The only spectacular difference was that the massive number of people who died were Cambodians and Khmers. When I first started accumulating knowledge on Cambodia, I was affected and I felt so deeply for those who had died that even mere words on a plaque at the Killing Fields could move me profoundly.

However the motivation to learn more and the gradual acccumulation of knowledge sparked me to look at things clinically and I realised that one reason why I was so affected was because I had instinctively valued life of a individual human being at its highest and had perhaps also unconsciously assumed that all those who died were innocent.

If not all were innocent, in the bigger scheme of things, where uncertainty abound and decisions have to be made, what will you have done?

I wouldn't dare say that they were right but perhaps under certain circumstances, its understandable that certain things would happen in a certain way. Where before I would find revolt and disgust at the ugliness of humanity, somehow now I manage to find a little compassion for them.

Communism appeared because of the inequality in society. The people who led were not compassionate visionaries. The ravages of a previous unequal society had remained too embedded in their minds such that they reject all who were deemed 'better' using the previous scale.

They lost, they failed and in the course of history, hardly anyone will paint the losers in a better light. And perhaps because I have also seen the deplorable usage of human rights in the hands of the ignorant and maybe because a part of the Asian mentality consists of the group or community spirit, I can understand a little where the Communist Party of Kampuchea (CPK)came from.

For a while, I stopped at where the Cambodians were finally liberated by the Vietnamese army. Having asked the father about Camodia and him talking about China, Korea, events about the Cold war and the Vietnam war (everything but Cambodia instead), I was forced to take the relatively easy way out by googling. (-_-")

Then I realised that Vietnam invaded Cambodia because of border disputes. It kind of took me by surprise because having read a book where Cambodians relate their personal stories with most of it ending with things like, "the dark times ended when the Vietnamese army arrived", it struck me that because of reading things like these over and over again, I was unconsciously under the impression that the Vietnamese army was a saviour of some sort, saving them from the nightmare of CPK. I slapped myself awake... Yah right...came to invade them not to save them. (-_-")

I wasn't blind. But because the whole darn elephant was so huge, I could only see its tail. I supposed I was too focused on Cambodia, things just get cut off at the stage where the Vietnamese entered. It had also slipped my mind that I was reading books written by everybody except the staunch CPK people, what more in the language of the capitalist conqueror.

I also realised that modern political history of Indo-china where countless of riots, wars and invasions took place is very complicated.

It also struck me that US has been fighting a lot of wars indeed.

There was also a part where South Vietnam cited US failure to follow through on a promise to provide military aid should North Vietnam invade. Somehow it reminded me of the Kyoto Protocol but that's irrelevant.

Anyway I started thinking of the various countries as roles in a production and arranging the webs....let's see...

US aided Vietnam because it was the only capitalist foothold it had in that region (DUH). China had strong ties with Cambodia because it was the only outlet it had in the Soviet-dominated neighbourhood.

The question I am wondering about is if capitalist US failed to aid South Vietnam (which they backed) because they already knew beforehand that there was a possibility that communist China would step in to deal with the communist North Vietnam so that communist China wouldn't be closed in a communist Soviet-dominated neighbourhood.

I never was very interested in modern history, especially the Cold War and all. Ancient histories and civilisations always seemed more interesting but they are beginning to seem fairly interesting.

Very very intricate delicate stuff.....the best thing is.................it makes you wonder about the mysteries of present-day politics. Mind games and strategies..

But I think I have to get back to my lesson plans..and I still haven't blogged about the last day in Cambodia.

Today is exactly a month since I came back from the trip...

An '08 concert (Jacky Cheung World Tour '07)

2008-01-09T00:14:00.000+08:00

I am still left with Day 1 of Cambodia but I guess I really need to update with the more recent news.

I went for Jacky Cheung's concert on Sunday. I paid $200 for the ticket and believe me, I was waiting to see if he was worth the price. Indeed he did deserve that much...however I think that if there is a next time, I wouldn't mind the cheaper seats..it's enough to just hear him (though there were talks about the acoustics not being good at the back, due to the echos).

So why did I end up with the most expensive ticket? It is because nobody would go with me except for.....Nana (and only the best is good enough for her). Besides, well, forking that amount to see him that close, once in a lifetime was in my opinion, worth it.

His voice broke a few times and I'm not sure if anybody other than me, Nana and her 'laoshi' noticed the little imperfections...however it's not suprising given that it was his 93rd concert of his 2007 world tour, with 3 hours of almost non-stop singing and with all the screaming he had done that night...

In fact at one point he was screaming just for the sake of it...like...

Jacky: *screams...
Crowd: *screams
Jacky: *screams...
Crowd: *screams..
Jacky: *screams...
Crowd: *screams..
.
.
.

You get the idea...however the magnetic quality of his voice pulls you back immediately and you forget about all the minor imperfections...and I supposed I could really go on about how great he was but everybody can imagine how good he really is.. I figured it would probably be an overkill on my side.

So here's pictures...

We sat just 6 rows from the front.

What will I do when they have all stopped singing and I am still here?

Guess there will always be that day where I will listen to all the deemed 'oldies' and remembering how being young felt like.

This wasn't taken by me... I found it while surfing Youtube....

On the way back on cab...I finally truly felt that there was a closure to my 2007.

The year 2007....has came to an end.

Somehow I've closed a gap that I wasn't even aware was present.

I've crossed a chasm to 2008.

God, I hope he continues to sing for as long as possible...

A back-dated entry of a quiet December afternoon

2008-01-06T02:37:00.001+08:00

This entry is quite very back-dated but seeing how I have taken all those pictures, I just have to post them I guess. I did this in December 2007 one day when I was to tag after Gan to work. It turned out that a problem cropped up and so after rushing to lunch with her at AMK, she turned back to work and I spent the day roaming around the city area.

I didn't quite know where to go and initially thought of just hanging around the river or Chinatown to take some pictures. However I passed by SMU and thought that maybe going to the museum wouldn't be such a bad thing either.

When I reached the Singapore Art Museum (SAM), it turned out that there is free entry from 12 pm to 2 pm on weekdays and thus I decided to just save it for another boring day.

In the end, I went to Chijmes.

Walking around was quaint. Nobody was there except for a sprinkling of tourists. After having explored every nook and cranny of the area, I walked around and ended up at Raffles Hotel.

I walked around the hotel too and took pictures here, there, anywhere that caught my interest.

It so happened that they were holding an exhibition. So, I went in to have a look. You can click here to look at her paintings. Although the paintings do not involve much depth and perspectives as do Renaissance paintings which I am fond of, their simplicity and patterns they possess provides the visual texture needed to make them vastly appealing (at least to me). She seemed to have combined the soft approaches together with a flat perspective to create a special environment for me to weave in and out of my reality and the imaginary landscape of the painting's.

Anyway I was quite happy with that afternoon, where I just clicked away and also sat down to have coffee and read. I met up with Gan after and on a whim we decided to catch 'The Golden Compass'.

A quiet day. Every holiday should have at least one. There was also time for me to learn how to do this.

Well... holiday is almost over. Met up with some old friends like Syl and Ah Meng. I did not see them at all in 2007.

There may be certain aspects in my life where I have no say in but I am thankful for the ownership over others, to be able to choose how I want to shape my life even if they do seem rather insignificant......

I am indeed thankful for that.

Life's good right...A time to work, a time to travel, a time to read, a time to meet friends. A time to learn the lessons I have no interest in and a time to learn the things I want to. A time to dream quiet little dreams.

To have time for music, to have time to read, to learn, to contemplate, to see the world.....all these satisfy the larger parts that make up me.

I'm here, I'm sane. That's all that matters. =)

Cambodia 2007 - Day 7

2008-01-04T04:11:00.001+08:00

Cambodia 2007

Day 7: - Kampot (Bokor Hill)

I awoke in pitch darkness. I felt around as cautiously as possible for my handphone or watch. I cringed at every little sound I made because they resonated so loudly in complete silence. The flash of light that the handphone gave out was so bright that I rushed to cover it with my hand.

I used the handphone as a torchlight and felt about for my toiletries. Because the generator is switched off after 9.30 a.m, I was freaking proud of being able to put my contact lens in without a mirror, in pitch darkness. I found the bicycle torchlight that Gan uses and trying to make as little sound as possible, I slipped out of bed and felt my way around. I didn't even dare to use the torchlight lest I wake the other occupants of the room.

However once I succeeded in getting out of the room, I had to return back for my towel which I had forgotten and had to somehow cover my stuff so that they weren't so exposed though I doubt anybody would bother to rummage them in complete darkness and stillness.

To keep the noise level down, I chose the toilet outside instead of the one inside the building because with the stillness of the surroundings, they definitely would be able to hear the water splashing, sloshing and the running of the pipes.

Bathing at 6 a.m. in an enclosed area with only a torchlight for solace was quite an experience. The toilet bowl was 90 degrees to the sink and mirror, opposite to the crude shower facilities. I placed the torchlight on the cistern and I was startled everytime I caught sight of myself in the cracked mirror. However gradually I got used to it. Initially, I was half-expecting a face to appear in the mirror beside me or something and I was actually looking out for it so I can grab my clothes and run out. I gradually got amused at the pathetic state of my mind and decided that it was a nice little toilet after all albeit with only a torchlight to throw eerie shadows around.

There was no hot water. (-_-")

Once again, I was glad for my rashes that allowed me to brave the cold water in the cold hilly air.

As I brushed my teeth, I kept my gaze on the mirror and scrutinised my surroundings, taking note of the dreary surroundings, while wondering if a face is yet to pop out.

However I finished my washing up without much fanfare and had to tip-toe back into the dormitory again. So I put my stuff down and tip-toed out with only a towel hanging around my neck. I walked around for a while and it got light enough to see.........the mists was coming....

And so I tried to tip-toe back in to rummage for my camera. Gan said that I woke everybody. I think it was all the coming in and going out of the dormitory. I couldn't help it. I tried to be quiet but the door squeaks and even the slightest shuffle of my flip-flops bounces off one wall to the next to explode beside their ears.

... and hey.. they should be glad that I woke them..the view was fantastic lor...

*not contrite at all !!

I took a few pictures outside of the ranger station and I was about to head off for the casino when I decided that I probably should let Gan know that I was going off. I mean if I get trapped by the ghouls there she will have to mount a search party because I don't think she will step foot in there to rescue me.

I thus tried my best to tip-toe back in but I think by then she was already awake. I whispered that the mist is outside and asked if she wanted to go. She wanted to wash up so I headed back out and took in the surroundings while glancing at where she was to appear....impatiently.

I mean...how long does it take to wash up?!!

I went some distance, not too far, so she could still see follow when she is out. And then.. we set off. Gan lumbered.....(-_-")

Her ~~excuse~~ reason was that she cannot walk very well in flip-flops on rocky terrain. And so I was mostly ahead of her. I think I can walk three times faster than her but she would lose track of me in the mist. And so I went..."walk faster...just pick up your feet and walk firmly..." I think I sounded like a drill sergeant.

And Gan whined....possibly because I was so impatient and mean.

We took lots of photos along the way and most of them were after the sky has already brightened. The skies brighten pretty fast after dawn and washing up plus walking (I think we took the long route too...) allowed for only pictures of daytime mist. That's sad because the scenery in shadows and mists were really something.. really special. Ah well.. not as if my camera was good enough to capture them anyway...BOO !!

As you can see, the day has considerably brightened. This picture was taken after we had set off.

Gan perched on the cliff and knowing that she will refuse to set foot in the old casino, I went in alone. As the cover of the mist was so heavy, I didn't know when I will be back and told her to head back herself if I do not return in half an hour at 7.30 a.m. She said that it would be impossible for me not to return in time as the casino was but a short distance away.

It was good that the rock space she chose to perch on was opposite this derelict structure beside the path so I could easily find her again. Leaving her behind, I set forth and within a few steps, it got impossible to spot her. I couldn't see anything except the path and visibility was down to 3 metres at most I think.

As I plodded along, I was acutely aware of how alone I was on the path. I couldn't see much except for the soft glow of the morning sun and a little of the path. I turned back to look and the path disappeared as if the mists were eager to hide all traces of has-been.

I wondered when I would reach the casino until its faint outline appeared from the depths of the mists. Having been around the whole area the day before, I knew that everything was within proximity of each other but the mists made everything appear individual. Logically, one could not get lost but in the mists, it was as though I had stepped into another dimension and everything near was made out of reach.

It sounds weird but I was relieved when I saw the casino.

I went in.

I know it sounds crazy but I went in there alone, mists and all.

I have no idea why and how I have the guts to do it. When the mists came, the only thought that occured was I should go to that place. Perhaps it was the notion of taking otherworldly pictures. perhaps it was just plain spite because maybe deep down the place gives the creeps. I don't quite know.

All I know is, when I went in, I felt quite all right in the place. I even sat on a ledge for a while. After that I possessed a one-track mind to take pictures from the roof and headed there. Of course I took pictures of the interior along the way but I did not know why I didn't take more if I was so obsessed with that place. Thinking back, I realised I should have because the pictures I've taken, I realise that the pictures I've taken are hardly enough to reveal the character of the place.

It must be because my mind focused so much on taking pictures from the roof that I didn't think to take other pictures.

While trying to capture good pictures of the sun (it was difficult because the mist would swirl around it relegating it to a mere pin-prick), I became aware of my surroundings. Much like how crickets in the forest suddenly get louder or like how when I am in half-slumber and I know that I was closer to being awake than asleep, something within me just awakened and I was suddenly very much aware of the silence, of the shifting glow of the sun, of the fact that I was alone right there and then.

I decided to head back down.

And then when I got disoriented in the maze of the corridors, a little panic arose. I laughed silently at my silliness when the thought that the house didn't want me to go pop up in my head and there and then, the way out became evident.

I suspect, as always, I have to do something to prove that I am the master of my fear and despite my uneasiness of being unable to walk out immediately, I took pictures and a short video of what is to be my last encounter with the casino.

However I think I was still startled at being disoriented in the casino and with the mist hiding almost everything, I mistakenly thought that Gan's perch was after the derelict house and walked past her. She must have been keeping an eye out for me though because she called out and lost in my one-track mind scouring for her, it gave me a little jolt.

She skipped from the rocks and cheerily said that I was going to walk past her. Yeah.. I didn't see her at all and it didn't help that she had on a black jacket.

We set for the ranger station. Gan plodded and took pictures and videos which she wasn't even concentrating on because she was trying too hard to make sure of her footing. Half-way, exasperated, I walked back to her and checked out the shaky footages. I shrieked at her when I thought she was taking such a long time because she was taking shaky footages that she wasn't even looking at. She shrieked at me when I said it looked like the 'Blair Witch Project'. We made a good pair. Haha !!

And it was good when we finally arrived back at the ranger station. V.Dad cooked breakfast. He also had this thing about putting food on my plate which is exasperating because I will finish it. Nobody does it except for my father or to a lesser extent my mother and my brother which I will just throw it back to them if I don't like it. However it is a bit harder to fling food back at people I am not very close with because passing food around is not a game. I have a feeling that he thinks that it is amusing that I will clean my plate and so after yesterday's dinner and after the second time omelette had been placed on my place after I've cleaned it. I've had it and food went back and forth.

Nobody ate it of course.

We then set off for Kampot. The pace was slow and it is scarier downhill than uphill though in a certain sense more exciting too.

We thought we had a lot of time because it was only 11+ a.m and the bus to Phnom Penh leaves at 1.30 p.m. And then halfway...his motorcycle ran out of petrol. V.Dad asked for the time and then suddenly said that we have to hurry. The bus leaves at 1 p.m, not 1.30 p.m.

All that came out of me was...."WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Somehow he retrieve a bottle of petrol from his friend's bike and nearing the base of the hill, suddenly everybody sped off. I lost my cap and it was lucky this time Gan and V.Dad's friend was behind us because I have grown quite affectionate of my wide-brim hat.

We made it in time.

We also settled the rest of the payment. V.Dad forgot to factor in the day trip to Kep but being honest Singaporeans we did not cheat him out of his money. Being blur, Gan also quoted more. (-_-")

Then the tuk-tuk arrived to shuttle us to the bus deport for a 5 hour ride back to Phnom Penh. It was only when I was on the tuk-tuk when I realised that my guide still hadn't taught me how to ride a motorbike. ARGH !!!

Ah well....

The ride back was quite uneventful except for the part where I had an agitated Gan almost willing to strangle me for saying how alike the oil palms and the 'whatchamacallit' ornamental palms were, in a belittling sort of way.

Lesson learnt: Never tell Gan that two species look the same.

She scared me more than the house did.......ok.. that's not really true..none of them managed to put the fear in me. Bleah.

We arrived in Phnom Penh, haggled with drivers of every type of transport imaginable and managed to settle for 2USD for one of them to bring us to a guesthouse.

Forgetting to continue to be smart, we forgot to haggle with him when we book his tuk-tuk for the next day. I suppose he thought that we would drive a hard bargain and outrightly quoted 20USD which we agreed to. (>.<)

Sigh... ah well...

Our room was just 8 USD. Smaller than the one in Kampot, not comparable to the one in Siem Reap. The toilet light flickered and after showing us to our room and saying he will come back and fix the light, the guy never appeared.

Gan also plopped down in front of the television to watch some old movie, 'Waterworld'. Once again, her reason was that she doesn't watch television in Singapore. (-_-")

If anybody can see the logic in flying to another country to watch television... please enlightened me. I am still trying my best to grapse that. (-_-")

Since we only reached Phnom Penh at 6 + p.m and we only ate after her show, we did not explore Phnom Penh at all, which is fine because I don't think there is anything much to do there.

But we did cross the road to get toothpaste...*beams...

Most of the shops were closed plus she needed to bathe too....so we went back to our rooms however I suspect I was either slightly annoyed about her wanting to watch old movies abroad, or slightly cranky after being on the bus for 5 hours or perhaps I wasn't quite over my Bokor casino.....or maybe I was just bored (which I strongly suspect to be the reason).....

.......and so I started making wisecracks about flickering lights which made her extremely edgy....oopsie !!....=P

We finally got down to writing postcards in front of the television before sleeping. I remembered thinking....seven days with only each other for sanity....and we were still alive and the miraculous thing was I wouldn't mind going on holiday with her again....

I mean the fact is if you can spend seven whole days abroad vacationing, with only one person for company, any future trip is possible. *beams

Cambodia - Day 6

2008-01-02T03:11:00.000+08:00

Cambodia 2007

Day 6:

- Kampot (Bokor Hill)....One of my favourite places in the world.

Gan was still ill but she felt good enough to make the trip up. We had breakfast at the guesthouse. I asked for omelette I think but a plate of fried noodles was delivered to me. Cambodian food is greasy. I didn't finish it.

They came and we left to do marketing.

The market was not very different from the wet markets here in Singapore except that they are dirtier. Vegetables would just be laid out on wet and dirty floors. I guess that is ok for marketers because they will wash their stuff before they cook it anyway.

There were live chickens and ducks all trussed up. Live fishes and a lot of other animals for culinary purposes. We just paid the money while V.Dad negotiated the purchasing. There was also one occasion where I saw a block of pig's blood. We don't have that in Singapore anymore. The last time I ate pig's blood in porridge was when I was in primary school.

I also saw a dog who had such a wide and deep gash on one of its teats that part of it was just hanging off and I saw the flesh it exposed beneath the fur gleaming like the meat that was hung up for sale. The dog probably had just been in a fight but strangely enough there was no blood and it seemed to be walking normally albeit slowly as though it had just finished a run.

Strange bustling noises and bright puddles of sunlight alternating with corners of wet dirt floor, meat strung up for sale, water dripping off corners, eyes that appear to not blink (probably because my mind captures them like a Polaroid camera and that dog was what I remembered most from the market trip.

They fit everything into the space under the seat, we stop again to buy packed lunch and water and then sped off for the hills.

It was hot. Scorching hot. I had a big cap and the breeze from being on the bike was deceiving because I could still tan horribly.

We stopped at the entrance to Bokor where Gan paid for the admission and I took the opportunity to hide from the sun while viewing the noticeboard on the conservation efforts in the park.

It was a rocky trip up. Scary on occasions. I keep envisioning the wheel slipping on a loose rock or stone which it did at times but we didn't fall because V.Dad's legs were super long and he landed on his feet before I could fall off. And so all I have to do is to make sure I sit tight on the bike and grab hold of him so I would never fall off.

We made a few stops because it was so hot. There was a look-out point after travelling up a little where settlements can be seen. And then.... V.Dad had a punctured tyre....

Our broken bike...

We had to get out and walk while Gan and his friend went to the ranger station and come back with equipments to 'rescue' us. And so he pushed his bike while I plodded along with him until we were too tired to venture anymore. There would be cars coming down and he would asked them if they had saw his friend. The answer was always affirmative but I have no idea why his friend took so long to arrive.

We ate a few fruits on occasion. There was this weird looking fruit that he called, "milk". It looked like a Pong Pong fruit and had wet white flesh with dark black seeds much like a soursop. It was sweet and its juice was white and sticky. I didn't feel like having food and so all I had was a little bit to try.

Because we were bored, he also tried juggling with two stones with one hand and twirling a stick to and fro with only the back of his thumb. Speaking of which, I think his thumb curves backward so he could take advantage of the momentum because I have no idea how he did that. I tried juggling with two stones like what he did and my stones became a weapon. Not suprisingly, I got laughed at.

His friend finally arrived with crude materials. Rubber patches and superglue along with wrenches and screwdrivers. They tried to patch it thrice. And then I was thinking about the $2 tyre patches in Daiso with dismay. I think it would be a good idea to pack it along with travel essentials next time along with my Swiss Army knife. A lighter would be a good idea too because if they only had a lighter to melt the rubber patches so it would stick firmly to the tyre, perhaps we wouldn't have taken such a long time. I think we were held back by at least 2 hours.

By the time we reached the ranger station, it was about 3 plus. Gan was napping in the bed. After confirming Gan's presence in the ranger station, I allowed myself to take in the scenery. It was incredible. There was hardly anybody there. It was quiet. Even though the sun was shining brightly, it was cool.

We had lunch, rested for a while before we took off to trek to the buildings. They look really far from the guesthouse but we reached there faster than expected.

We reached the abandoned French casino in no time. V.Dad was telling us about some grisly story on how people would jump to their death at the cliff behind the casino after they had lost a lot of money. I forgot why he told us that but to me, his tale actually added character and life to the structure.

All photos are not photo-shopped. In fact with blogging and searching though thousands of pictures for uploading, blogging about the trip has been very slow indeed. However look at the next picture of the French casino, I mean it sounds silly but I think it really calls out to me. Tell me if it does the same for you, that is if the patterns on the wall connects like those abstract art pieces...

I like this picture of Gan. As most of you can probably tell by now, I like to take pictures with backlight especially if they have rays of sun strutting across them. Not exactly shadows but enough texture and minimal colours to retain the mysterious elements without appearing too flat.

Oh and V.Dad cracked some joke about me being stupid. The moment he said that, Gan and I turned to stare at him in disbelief. Then we stared at each other in disbelief. "That sounds freaking familiar..." I said. Gan went..."YAH !!! How come every guy says that to you?!!"

Ok it's not every guy but Gan has witnessed me being verbally jabbed at before. Both of us were equally incredulous that across countries, across borders, V.Dad could say something similar to what someone around me would say....

That's V.Dad and his friend. I realise that the picture is not very flattering. I think I laid on the grass and was just trigger happy when I snapped this one. I would have deleted it except that it was one of the few pictures I have of them. I forgot to even take a picture with him... and I think I only snap him twice..both which aren't good pictures... Hah !

Ok.. I think it's just me lah.. huh.. Gan....that makes guys feel that they have to say something degrading to me.

Gan took this picture of me hugging my knees and staring off into what is supposed to be the sea but its not possible to tell because of the light. I was pretty much this way in Cambodia. If I have a chance I would just hug my knees and stare at stuff.

And of course Gan didn't want to step foot into that place. I have no idea why. I mean I am not trying to jibe at her but seriously I cannot understand because that place just looked like a place out of a movie set to me, it wasn't scary at all. I mean look at the window, I guess some people would find it eerie. All I wondered was who broke it and when, under what circumstances?

Was it because of a storm? Fighting? Did the window finally shatter as lead character in a cast of silence at the top of the hill where no one heard it go?

I didn't take much pictures in the house. I wonder if V.Dad was nervous to be in the house too. I was ushered up to the roof where I could take in the scenery and so I realised that I hardly explored the house at all. I did not explore the house at leisure and that explained the few pictures I have from within the house.

There were cracked mosiac tiles and remmants of what should have been a finely decorated establishment. The place has obviously been left on its own for a long long time. There was nobody in the place except for a Caucasian couple reading on the roof.

The red stuff that either looked like paint if you are practical or blood if you are grisly were actually red-coloured lichens. I touched them and they were soft and dry, much like a furry coating on the house. They came off fairly easily too.

This is the view from the roof. I actually captured angel rays and once again the pictures did not do the place justice because the angel rays were clearer and the colours more vibrant.... looking at that was like looking at bliss itself.

V.Dad mentioned that the basement used to be a prison during the Khmer Rouge period. I wanted to have a look. He said that there was nothing there. We went after I suggested again.

It was darker than above. I didn't dare venture in too far into the rooms. I couldn't take any pictures either as I knew that they wouldn't turn out well. In some areas, the windows were boarded up, possibly to cut off the access of sunlight for the prisoners. There didn't seem to be anything that hinted of its last use as a prison. There was an opening near the ceiling and I wondered who had made that hole. Was it made during that time?

And so... the French casino again....sitting at the edge of the cliff where one can see the drop down until the land flattens out to the ocean...

Because the sun was setting, we left it behind...

That's us... =)We passed by an interestingly-shaped tree...

We were originally supposed to go to the temple but we didn't have enough time and so we chose the sunset. We had to pass by a church which I would have love to explore too but there simply wasn't enough time. And I realise that this picture sucks.

Sunset was incredible. We sat right at the edge of the cliff with the wind blowing. We could see an island in the distance. Supposedly it was part of Cambodia but Vietnam claimed it for their own. At least that was what V.Dad purported. I mean looking at the map it seems logical that the island should be part of Cambodia. V.Dad informs that it is only 30 mins to the island but they cannot step foot on it and have to go through Vietnam when one cannot even see the island from Vietnam.

I guess it is just a case of stronger country versus weaker country. V.Dad also says that Cambodia is too weak and so Vietnam and Thailand takes their land. I have no idea how true that is and would probably have to read up more on that area before I can comment.

V.Dad also asked if we don't get to see sunsets in Singapore. Gan and I looked at each other and then turned to him and shook our heads. It was only then I realise that sunrise and sunsets in Cambodia was a big thing for us. We hardly get to see sunsets in Singapore because of all the buildings. Another reason was because we are so busy over here. I hardly notice it. People say that they do..*shrugs.. probably.. when they are heading in the correct direction at the correct time and notices for once or twice in the entire year how beautiful the world is and gets lost in the moment. Yeah...I experienced that.

I was transfixed every moment over there. Sunrise and sunsets were precious to me. I did not merely notice the sky lightening or darkening...I was acutely aware of the passing of time and the massive significance in the start and ending of a beautiful day.

JY was saying that I could go to the beach or somewhere to watch the sunrises and sunsets but...that makes everything too deliberate. Not to mention I probably have to do a lot of planning and pencil in to my schedule, which seems funny when you consider how small Singapore is. Of course going to Cambodia to watch them is too deliberate also. However I didn't planned to go there and watch them. It just happened that I enjoyed many beautiful sunrises and sunsets over there and that's it I guess.

Why do we have to go to such trouble to enjoy the magnificence and beauty of nature? The effort put in to enjoy sunrise and sunsets in Singapore is more than what should be required. Most of the time, I am thinking or working or catching up on rest to just bask in beauty, which says a lot about life here and over there. Over there.....hardly anything distracts you..no movies, no theatres...no internet connection....no bustle.

The French must have had a wonderful time there. It was cool like springtime in France with glorious sunsets, a great view of the ocean and beautiful haunting mists...

We left before it got too dark and it was dinner with the guys cooking and we chopping a bit but we basically watched. It was awfully cold. It was weird that we had a cooked meal while the rest of the Caucasians had instant noodles and bread.

After dinner, I felt that I had to see more of Bokor hill and so V.Dad brought me near to the cliff again so I could see the lights from the Vietnamese island. It was quite an experience, navigating the rocky roads in the dark, in slippers. However we had a torchlight with us and being quite a sam-seng girl running around the neighbourhood when I was young as well as walking the past few days in rough terrains in slippers, walking on them in the dark wasn't that tough.

We came back and lights were out at 9.30 p.m. Everbody was in bed by then. I think there was only 12 people in the ranger station out of which our group made up 4 people.

It was so quiet that music crackled from my ear phones despite that my Mp3 was at 'volume 1'. And so I gave it up.

With thoughts on how much I loved the place.... I went to sleep.

Cambodia - Day 5

2007-12-30T23:35:00.001+08:00

Cambodia 2007

Day 5:

- Kep

We woke up and....Gan informed me that she was ill. She felt giddy and probably will not survive a motorbike ride up a rocky mountain road.

I blinked...and got her to eat breakfast and get something within her first. She drank some coconut and ended up puking into the river. She got me really alarmed.

We were wondering whether to cancel the Bokor trip but I was hesitant because we had already paid the deposit of 30 USD and it wouldn't be nice to take it back. Gan suggested that I go alone on a day trip up but I had my misgivings about being far and away from her. Then I think she rushed to the room to the toilet.

She came back to inform that we have to change rooms because the toilet bowl was clogged up. At 8.30 a.m., V.Dad promptly arrived. I told him that we couldn't possibly go up because Gan was sick. He kinda looked stricken to me. However it was good that he was around because the people at the guesthouse can't really speak English. He has to help us explain that we need to change rooms because the toilet bowl was all clogged up. In the end he came back to tell us that they can un-clog it for us. I have no idea how bad it was but Gan said that it wasn't a pretty sight and I will definitely not want to see it. He suggested going to a doctor but Gan didn't want to. She insisted that she would just sleep it off. Even though we had the same food and all so far, I think probably her stomach just couldn't take the food. We were quite gung-ho...one down with a heat rash and the other down with God-knows-what and both not feeling like seeing a doctor.

Anyway V.Dad suggested that we go up the next day then. And so we were like.. we'll see how it goes..if Gan gets better then we will go up. He nodded.

We asked him for suggestions as to how I could spend the day. He said I could go on a day trip to Kep. I was worried about leaving Gan as she could faint or something and I wouldn't be around. Yet Gan was adamant on not wasting the day along with her because all she was going is to go to the toilet consistently and sleep everything off. And so after asking repeatedly if she was sure she didn't want me around and if she would be ok and all...I agreed to go on a day trip to Kep.

Well then I think the silence that followed was because I was finishing my breakfast, Gan was woozy and I think V.Dad didn't know what to say. He then left and came back with his Sony Mp4 and of all things, played some Chinese teeny-bopper song that I never heard of before. I think even Gan who was stoning off, turned to look at him. Apparently he got that in Phnom Penh for 40 USD. It was about palm-size like a palm top, sleeker and slimmer with a wide LCD screen. It has only a 1 GB space. I informed him that my Mp3 cost more than his and yeah its only a Mp3.

After the guesthouse people came to tell us that the room was once more habitable, I told V.Dad that I will set off at 9.30 a.m. and went back to the room with Gan first. I got water for her and made sure I had her call-card number. Sheesh...I kept repeatedly asking if she was fine, if she was sure she didn't need me around that I totally irritated myself also. And so after making sure she would call me and would be able to call me should she feel unwell, I left.

We sped off towards Kep and he was armed with a mask and sunglasses while I had.....nothing on. And so he stopped by little roadside stall in the middle of nowhere to allow me to purchase a mask. I don't know how much of a necessity it was but I figured that since everybody wears it and he seems to think that it was a big deal, I got one. It was just one of those masks of soft tissue paper where people in Taiwan and Japan wear when they are sick I think.

We stopped by a Muslim village and I obediently took some photos. I felt obliged to since he actually stopped to point it out and explain that they are all not around now because they have gone out to fish. Then it struck me that I haven't seen much Muslims around which is like a bit weird because given the close proximity of the countries of South-east Asia, I thought that people would move around and get more scattered and homogenous overall. However I think Muslim settlements are probably quite a rarity in Cambodia for V.Dad to point that out.

Ah well....

I found the scenery opposite more interesting though...

We reached a pier at the edge of Kep. While V.Dud went off to talk to his friends, I walked to the end, sat down and just stared at the sea, the scenery and the overcast skies. I took a few pictures and this one shows the route I traversed.

There were a few boats here and there and Rabbit Island was just a short distance away. V.Dud who joined me later said that it was a nice serene place with beautiful beaches. It is real quiet and he along with his friends were planning for a party to celebrate the New Year.

I also saw a little kid rowing a boat with a even smaller kid as passenger. Since they were just rowing around, I have no idea what they were doing....

There was a white statue of a naked woman right smack in the middle of Kep. I figured it has to be important. I asked V.Dad why did they erect a statue there. Apparently the story was about a woman who removed her clothes and committed suicide by jumping into the sea after she found out that her husband had died while out fishing in the sea. The place where the statue was erected was where she had committed suicide.

There wasn't much to see in Kep. I took a short walk by the beach and was vastly amused when V.Dad wrote our names in sand and urged me to take pictures to show Gan. He spelt my name wrongly but I didn't bother to correct him. Walking on the beach was charming and I would love to sit there and read except that I think it would be weird there and then and too deliberate to tell V.Dad to give me half an hour or an hour so I could sit and read.

There were huts dotting the area and I inquired about them. Apparently it was there for public use. I was quite surprised by that. I thought that since so much effort has gone into contructing them perhaps they were restricted in some ways and they did look pretty empty as though it wasn't as public as I thought. Blinking, I asked so... who goes there...he shrugged and said that couples or families go there during weekends.. Excited, I went, "So.. we can just go there?"
I was thinking that Gan and I could just sit and read in hammocks by the beach if she is still not well enough to make the trip up to Bokor.

And then V.Dad said...."Yeah...but if we go there, you have to be my girlfriend..." I couldn't help narrowing my eyes at him, momentarily forgetting that I shouldn't because it will cause wrinkles. And thus...he made suggestive remarks throughout my stay in Kampot and Kep. On one ocassion, while on the motorcycle, he pointed out a white and black bird and said that they were a couple....just like us. I think if I was drinking any water, I would have spat it out. And so I asked him...how did he know that it was a male and a female, they could be both females ...He went, "No..no..no.."

"It could be two males too, you know?..." I said.

"That's impossible.. it has to be one male and one female.. because that isn't natural. The white one is female and the black one is male."

I decided not to continue the pointless argument. (-_-")

I think he also pointed dogs having sex at least twice, to me.

He kept asking if I was hungry until I figured that he probably was. He then admitted that he was indeed hungry and thus we sped off to a hill-side guesthouse where he used to work. The view was quite impressive.

I really couldn't eat much and so only finished 2/3 of half of my plate of fried rice. Lunch was mostly in silence except for a few burst of conversation here and there.

Our guide was an ah beng..albeit a smart ah beng who speaks good English. He sports a crude snake tattoo on his right arm which he lifted to show me. I had inquired about his friend who I noticed sports a flashy earring. I was quite surprised as even in Singapore, guys who sport flashy earrings aren't exactly the cream of the crop so in conversative rural Cambodia, what was the culture actually like. I asked if the people think that his friend is 'bad' because of his earring. V.Dad admitted that some people do but it is just fashion. Then he went on to say that he has an earhole too but he doesn't normally wear it unless he goes to parties because his thinking changes as he grows older. That was when he showed me the tattoo which he got when he was 17 and said that he wanted to have it removed and how he preferred louder places when he was younger, now he prefers quieter places.

I raised an eyebrow and asked him how he is going to get the tattoo removed. His answer was that he has to get it done again. I think he means, 'laser-ing' it off....

And I asked if his parents were mad when he got it done (I was thinking to myself that I SO exhibit teacher characteristics...). He said, "yeah" and then shrugged...

He mentioned that was the youngest and has a sister and a brother who teaches English and his father used to be a policeman....he is definitely the deviant in the family.

And so.... I had an intelligent ah beng for a guide. Intelligent ah bengs are so amusing to talk to.

I didn't know if it was the protocol to pay for your guide's meal but I did because Nana mentioned it before. *shrugs...Anyway lunch and drinks for 2 at the guesthouse with the nice view was only 6 USD.

- The cave

Anyway after the early lunch, I asked what we could do next and he mentioned that we could visit the caves. So we went...

The minute he parked his bike, a little boy with bleached hair came running by with a torchlight. V.Dad said that the boy would show us the way. I started wondering how much he would ask for as I have had experiences with children requesting for money in Siem Reap. We were soon joined by 2 other men so there were 3 guys, 1 boy and me going off into the cave. But I felt I could trust V.Dad so *shrugs....though I did tell myself I should keep a Swiss army knife close the next time I went somewhere abroad alone.

The area outside of the caves seemed to be undergoing constructions and at some points we had to scramble over piles of gravel.

Inside the cave, the boy led the way and he kept the torchlight trained behind him so he could see. That meant that he was walking in near darkness. The ground was a rocky terrain and we had to be firm with our footing if not we could easily slip on loose stones. All of us were in slippers but the boy was the only one walking, making his way in darkness most of the time.

He was quite a precious one. He pointed out the characteristics that the cave had to offer, limited though they may be. He pointed out Buddhist murals and a little shrine and a boulder that was scarely held in place and seemed to be on the verge of falling as I stood below it and took pictures.

It is a flower but my macro function just isn't good enough plus I was in a rush since all eyes were on me while I took the picture. The boy bended down to smell it and told me to do the same. Since he had a grin on his face, I guessed it was probably foul-smelling and told him cheekily, "It smells bad right..."

He also pointed out stones in eccentric shapes
like 'tiger head', 'elephant-head'
though the second picture may not be too clear.

We had to really squeeze through narrow crevices to enter some caverns and it was so narrow, even I had to twist my body in some awkward shape to fit in spaces that was perhaps only as wide as my shoulders. It was quite an experience, being in a cave where it was not swarming with tourists nor too commercialised. It was also V.Dad first time there and.. he has been a guide for like.. what.. 5 years?!

The kid pointed out the crevices in the caverns Muslims prayed in and also where they hid the gold and diamonds before Pol Pot took them away. Amazing, isn't it? That the place is so tourist-free.

They saw a snake in that cavern. I didn't get to see it because taken aback and not knowing where it actually was, I shifted back. V.Dad probably thought that I was scared or something and so tried to keep me behind him while I tried desperately hard to peep over his shoulder. Nobody answered me in the commotion when I asked if it was poisonous......

Then we headed back and I bumped my head against a low boulder.... (-_-") Everybody walked like super fast possibly because of the snake encounter...

The opening !!

Out of the cave, I asked V.Dad how much money I was supposed to give to the boy and he said that it was up to me. I asked the boy if he was still studying and he said that he goes to school in the morning. In the end, I gave him 3 USD. It was only after when we were speeding off on the motorcycle, V.Dad told me I was very kind to give him so much. Usually people would only give 1 USD.

But he was so little....as in I asked V.Dad to place his age and he said that the little boy was probably 16 but he was shorter than me and thinner. He looked like 13 or 14 only. He was smart too. He could speak relatively good English and pointed out stalagmites and stalactites. I also wondered if the two men who had joined us in the caves would make him hand money over...

- Another beach

Ah well... and I asked V.Dad what we could do next. In the end we went to another beach opposite of Kep. It was quieter and I think they were building a resort. V.Dad complained about it over how it is a public beach and cordoning off an area meant that people couldn't go.

I walked on the beach and just plopped down and hugged my knees until I think V.Dad got bored and said that we should go drink some beer on him.

I raised my eyebrows and shrugged.

And so we ended up in the shade in one of the huts (but they didn't have hammocks) with a plate of prawns and 4 cans of beer. There was actually one stall that sold food and drinks and it was the only stall there. Suprisingly there weren't much people. In the entire afternoon that I was there, I only saw one Caucasian couple who came for a short while.

Cold beer on a hot day at the beach was wonderful but I rolled my eyes when V.Dad said that we were 'girlfriend and boyfriend' now. Initially I was a bit apprehensive about having beers.. I mean.. my guide was my only way back to Gan !! He assured me that his limit is 4 cans so 2 cans is fine. I raised my eyebrows...4 cans?!!! Gan.. you can do better than him !! But that wasn't the point, the point was his alcohol limit was damm low. Hah !

It was also a good day to get married. I kept seeing wedding cars and like decorated houses for weddings and when we were at the beach, we saw a couple taking wedding pictures too. Maybe they were all the same couple but the funniest thing was the bride and the bridemaids were in flip-flops ! Taking wedding pictures in flip-flops is so un-glam !!!

Anyway it was a slow, quiet and peaceful afternoon. We bantered a bit but silence was comfortable too..(ok at least it was quite comfortable for me..) There were a few amusing moments. He walked away (presumably for the bathroom) and said that he was going away and leaving me there. The funniest thing was, his handphone and Mp4 was right there at the hut. And so when he came back, I taunted him, "Weren't you going to drive back?" He gave some lame stuff about how he decided to come back after all... I told him that it was ok.. because I can just sell off his handphone and Mp4 and get someone to bring me back to the guesthouse. He said that nobody would buy it. I told him I just have to barter it for a ride back.

And so... I got the.."You are SO bad..." the entire afternoon.

About 5 p.m, just before the sun set, I was informed that we had to go because.....his bike has no lights. I went..."NOW you tell me?!!"

And so we rushed off.

I checked Gan the moment we arrived at the guesthouse. I asked how was she and she said she was still running a fever. I jumped into action and told her she has to see a doctor. She probably agrees heartily but she just appeared dazed like how when people just wake up from slumber. I rushed to make sure V.Dad was still around and told him that we have to see a doctor. Then I rushed back to pack for Gan. I didn't know what made me remember to ask her what medicine she has taken and to pack it in but I was glad I did. I supposed Gan's condition probably wasn't a serious one but we were in Kampot... where I am not even sure there is a hospital for her to be put on a drip if she needs it. I was actually in a frenzy while she lumbered out onto the bike.

V.Dad and friend brought us to two doctors before we got to a third one who wasn't making housecalls. I was glad for V.Dad because in the entire little clinic, nobody could speak English....

It was a good thing I packed the medicine that Gan took because the doctor asked for it and apparently Gan took the wrong medication. She took medication for cold, carbon tablets and Panadol. Ok, maybe carbon tablets and Panadol were relevant but the cold medicine was definitely off. She also had coconut and banana milkshake in the day. We looked at each other when the doctor said that she has to avoid coconut and milk, the very two things she had taken that day. (-_-")

In the end, Gan was given medicine and asked to come back the next day if it doesn't help. Seeing the doctor was cheap. I think it cost about 1.50 USD only. However the scary thing is I think she was given antibiotics (because one of the medicine was in a red and yellow capsule) and she was only given 3 capsules.

YAH...

Gan also took V.Dad's bike because I thought he was more stable, being older and how he actually could balance my backpack in front while riding the bike. However on the way back, it suddenly struck me that...he drank alcohol in the afternoon and his bike had no lights !!!

It was dusk by then and I kept turning back to see if they were ok. It was lucky that Kampot was a small town.

Anyway when we got back, the guesthostel was having some sort of celebration because the owner just got promoted through the ranks in the policeforce.

Just to note down the scheme of things, V.Dad actually works for a guesthouse further down but his friend is the nephew of the family who owns the place and the guesthouse just happens to be in the compound by the river, next to the family house.

There was much rowdiness and laughter till late at night. Gan and I were invited to partake in the buffet but we just didn't have any appetite too. I think V.Dad asked if I wanted to do anything but I decided I better not leave Gan alone. And so... while she slept, I lay on a hammock outside our room and looked at the stars while listening to my Mp3...until it was time for bed.

Cambodia 2007 - Day 4

2007-12-29T02:29:00.001+08:00

Cambodia 2007

Day 4:

A shuttle bus came at 730 am to pick us to the bus deport to board the bus from Siem Reap to Phnom Penh (the Mekong Express).

I was quite pleased with the service encountered so far. Our room was clean, there was hot water, the guesthouse sent a tuk-tuk driver to pick us up from the airport and then there was also a shuttle bus that picked us up from our guesthouse to the bus deport if we purchased a Mekong Express bus ticket which happened to be 10 USD only.

It was almost hotel-like services. Someone to chauffeur us to the guesthouse albeit a tuk-tuk...and then someone to ferry us to the bus deport.

However since we did not plan for after Siem Reap, except for researching on how to get to Phnom Penh next, we had totally no clue as to what we were going to do when we reached Phnom Penh. We had a few options. We could search for a guesthouse in Phnom Penh and then tour the city first before heading to Kampot or Kep before returning to catch the flight back to Singapore or head to Kampot or Kep first before touring Phnom Penh. Much actually depended on whether there was a bus leaving for Kampot and Kep when we arrived in Phnom Penh. Since nobody knew...we really took it easy and I was proud of Gan. If it was before, I am sure she would have done all the research possible and panicked if we missed our schedule or something. However this time, she wasn't too stressed nor worried and we just came up with other options in case we weren't able to leave for Kampot or Kep right away.

The bus to Phnom Penh was full however we saw really ugly Malaysians. They actually acted like typical ugly Singaporeans !! Initally we thought that they were from Hong Kong as they spoke in Cantonese then some of them conversed in Hokkien and we were confused. We knew that they weren't Singaporeans because they sound a little different. It was only when they spoke a bit of Mandarin before we realised that they were Malaysians.

The fuss was over seats. Can you imagine that? The seats on the Mekong Express were allocated. I think that this Malaysian guy along with his girlfriend (OR NOT..since he really came across as a sissy) changed his seat because the group had got on first and perhaps he thought that the bus weren't full. Initially he was allocated the seats before the toilet.

Ok, so a Singaporean Indian family boarded the bus at the same time as us. The Malaysian had taken their seats. I didn't pay attention until I heard the father boomed something like, "No !! YOU change..." And then the Malaysian guy along with the girl went back to their original seats beside us and screamed, "WHAT THE F**K !!!!" Gan and I looked at each other in disbelief. I supposed he was pissed because probably the service crew had said it was ok to switch seats, not expecting that the bus would be full.

Still.....his reaction was really ugly and totally uncalled for, don't you think? I mean it was bad luck to be allocated seats near the toilet. We had seats right beside him so we were near the toilet too. Big deal. Being able to change seats is an advantage but it is not some god-given right especially since they were allocated.

Then we witnessed some uncles coming up to him and offering to change seats with him presumably so he could be out of his dire mood because he was sulking so badly he was affecting the air that Gan and I were breathing in. It was quite annoying having uncles and aunties coming up to him and trying to pacify the spoilt sissified brat and him having to make a whole show by declining loudly.

All Gan and I wanted to do was to 'stone' in peace and the racket was making it almost impossible too. I would call him a sissy because his gestures were so effeminate and believe me....he made a big show out of holding a piece of tissue to his nose throughout the entire journey before he changed seats after people got down at the rest-point.

I mean.....the girl beside him didn't do anything....we didn't do anything...or maybe we had a bad nose and didn't smell anything....hmm maybe the girl beside him was his sister and not his girlfriend....

Anyway we were glad when he changed seats...Gan was commenting that he was affecting the aura around us.. after he changed seats, uncles and aunties stop coming by to offer to swap places with him and we were finally allowed some peace and quiet.

So disgusting right...

Ah well.. we mostly slept or stared at the scenery or just..well 'stone'.

It was about a 6 hour jouney. The Mekong Express offers ok services. They gave out wet towels, everybody had a bottle of water and a box of bread..plus the bus had toilet except that we didn't use it. We used the toilet at one of the stop-over. Gan and I walked a bit in search of a spectacle shop to tighten the screw on the spectacles but we didn't manage to find any.

Oh and I developed rashes. It got really bumpy and itchy on my arms. It was the first time that it happened, a testimony to how dirty Cambodia is. However since I did not develop it until the 4th day on the bus, I have no idea if it was the bus, 3 days of Siem Reap's puffs of travel dust, the two bottles of wine that I shared with Gan in 2 days or allergy to any unknown spices that perhaps was included in our food.

Gan kept telling me not to scratch or it would spread. But it was simply....just so itchy !!! (>.<) Since I didn't want to get nagged at.... I scratched when Gan wasn't looking. =P

We reached Phnom Penh close to 1 p.m. When we got down, we hurried into the office to ask whether they offered services to Kampot and Kep. They didn't. However they were nice enough to tell us that Central Market did but didn't know what time the bus leaves. We were in such a haste, I left my painting of Angkor Wat behind. We rushed for a tuk-tuk and the driver said that he thinks that the bus to Kep and Kampot leaves at 1.15 pm but he wasn't sure. It felt like the Amazing Race. Seeing that we were in a rush, the driver probably took the opportunity to rip us off. He charged us 2 USD to get to Central Market which was actually just a few streets away but we had no choice as we didn't want to waste time bargaining.

When we got there, Gan rushed into the office to ask while I waited on the tuk-tuk with our bags. It was only then I realised that I didn't have my painting with me. Gan came out mumbling something which I couldn't catch and then we left for the bus deport. The driver charged us another 1 USD to get there. (-_-")

When we reached the bus deport, it was after 1 p.m. The bus leaves at 1.15 p.m and we haven't purchased the tickets. We found the counter that sells the tickets to Kampot and Kep and Gan instructed me to look for the bus while she buys our tickets. I mean it was really adrenaline-pumping...

I found the bus...hung around while keeping one eye on the bus and the other on Gan. She rushed over with our tickets which cost 4 USD. We dumped our bags in the baggage space and boarded the bus. *PHEW....Then we set off and somehow it was really hot. So we swapped places a few times before we finally found comfortable seats away from the sun.

I managed to reach the Mekong Express office after a few failed attempts. Everything was so confusing. They offered 3 numbers. However I think one of them wasn't it or maybe it was the country code and area code that we needn't dial. The person on the line couldn't really understand either. Finally I got the correct number and found a nice lady and we could mutually understand each other accented English. She agreed to keep the painting for me until we returned to Phnom Penh. So nice right...=)

And since Gan was worried about having no accomodations, she asked me to call and book because she was feeling anti-social. (-_-")

Actually there wasn't any need because people there really are quite eager to earn our money. However I did call though and her first choice was fully booked. She didn't note down the number for her second choice and so we booked rooms for her third choice. The guy said that he was out and needed to return to check for the availability of the rooms so I said I would call back later.

Taking the bus was quite an experience. Check out the video to see how bumpy it was. We actually flopped about in our seats !

It was a rickety old bus but I kind of enjoyed the quaint experience. =)

The views of the rice fields were amazing....

Rice fields after rice fields,

weighted down with rice ready for harvesting,
glistening gold in the light.

Kep and Kampot are 45 mins apart.
When we reached Kep, it was already 5+ in the afternoon.

All those pictures were taken from the moving bus so they weren't extremely clear or had good framing. But imagine how I felt.....being on a rickety bumpy bus, heading for a little quiet town that is not swarming with tourists....golden rice fields with cows and buffaloes roaming freely...watching all that serenity as people went about their work quietly...

Gan and I didn't speak much and just slept or stared out of the window, while swaying from side to side like coconut trees in a storm. The bus was probably only half-filled at most and I was glad for it. I like space. =P

Well...on the other hand, we noticed this shifty uncle who kept staring at us. When we first got on, we changed seats about three times to avoid the sun. The uncle changed along with us. Then he kept turning back which was like so weird because we were the only ones at the back.

I looked away from Gan and commented quietly that the horrid uncle seemed to be really pinning his attention on us. Gan replied that she noticed him too and we wondered if he was trying to steal our stuff or something...We resolved to be more alert and only heaved a sigh of relief when he got down at one of the stops and disappeared.

And then....we were the only Asians there that were not Cambodians. Gan noticed that the Caucasians seemed to receive preferential treatment. At least there was a guy on the bus who gave out name cards (I think) to all the Caucasians. I said that perhaps he thought that we were Cambodians. Gan pointed out that since she was wearing spectacles, it was hardly possible for us to be mistaken as Cambodians.

*shrugs...if they don't want to do our business, we can take it elsewhere. I wasn't particularly offended by it.

We passed through Kep and when we reached Kampot, there was a surge of people clamouring to recommend their guesthostels or asking us to take their tuk-tuks or motorbikes. They nearly gave me a headache. Luckily we had booked a guesthostel and they had arranged for someone to come and pick us up.

I was however a little taken aback when I realised that our mode of transport was motorbikes. I was a little sceptical about balancing both me and my backpack on it. The guy who I rode with perched my backpack in front of him while Gan had hers on. I have no idea which is safer. Hah. It seemed that having mine is front compromise the rider's ability to navigate whereas carrying a backpack makes keeling over more of a probability.

After the initial few seconds of adjusting, I cast away the doubts and really enjoyed the motorbike ride. I LOVE BEING ON A MOTORCYCLE !!

The wind in my hair...just feeling the whizzing past of everything...I wouldn't mind doing it forever, except that in Singapore I probably be a lot more worried about safety. However in Cambodia you just cast caution to the wind. We rode without helmets as pillions with strangers and it was totally cool.

I mean everybody will probably think that we were crazy and how dangerous it was. However it was Cambodia where it is the norm to do so. I wouldn't do it in Singapore because if some stranger offered me a ride without a helmet, I would really doubt his ability to navigate the traffic in Singapore. Besides it is not the norm to have motorbike taxis. However over there, there are fewer cars...the speed was slower and I suppose you can't go too fast on dirt or bumpy roads. And motorbike taxis are just as common as taxis here in Singapore or tuk-tuks over there.

We finally reached our guesthostel by the river. The room was a bit of a letdown although it was big. There were strong working fans but there doesn't seem to be an opening for fresh air. The ventilation fan wasn't working and we didn't want to open the windows. There wasn't a place for us to hang our clothes for bathing, nor a sink and the toilet door wouldn't close properly. The room looked pretty dismal. But it was only for 6 USD per night and I guess we just needed some adjusting after our better room in Siem Reap. I didn't mind everything and wouldn't mind staying there again if they fixed the ventilation fan because it offers a nice view of the river. You hardly notice the stuffiness of the room unless you go out and come into the room again. I mean..seriously..it only costed us about 4.20 SGD per night each.

We went to check in after we had deposited our luggage. It turned out that the guy whom I rode pillion with was a guide who spoke very good English. His name is Van Dad and he told us to call him "Dud". I could tell he was a big eager for us to go up to Bokor mountain on motorcycles with him. He kept reiterating that it would be fun to spend the night there, instead of following a car up. I was a bit hesitant as I've heard that the road is extremely rocky. I looked to Gan who seemed ok with it and eventually I decided that the locals are good at their stuff anyway so... I mean based on gut and instinct, I knew there shouldn't be any problem. However being rational, I still felt compelled to look at the issue from all angles and after weighing the various factors quickly, I agreed.

It was 25 USD each, to bring us up and back on motorbikes and 5 USD for entrance into Bokor mountain and another 5 USD to stay at the ranger station there. It sounded reasonable to me and we agreed. He said he would come to pick us up the next day at 8.30 a.m and we could leave our things in the guesthouse.

We then bathed and I had to clean up the mess in my backpack because the jar of moisturiser that I brought had spilled. Gan also hustled me to go bathe because of my rashes that were throughout my whole body. It was amazing how the lack of hot water didn't affect me. I think it was because of the rash, my skin actually felt warm when I palmed my arms and forearms... and it was lucky that the place wasn't that cold to begin with or I would have came out with chattering teeth like the stay in Chiangmai. After we bathed, we had this weird seafood fried rice for dinner at the guesthouse, eating and reading at the same time. The sun had already set by then.

Dinner was overall pale pink in colour and I think they fry it with salted fish paste or something. Somehow I was in the phase where I either didn't require much food intake or I was gradually losing my appetite because the food didn't really agree with me. But I think it was the former because I wasn't turned off by the food. I just didn't feel hungry like the periods where I will not binge and binge again. I finshed 3/4 of the plate and had to compelled myself to polish off the rest.

Because of the rashes, I slept in my sleeping bag. It wasn't that the bed looked dirty but at least I know that the sleeping bag was guaranteed clean. I also messaged my consultant in Aust, Jac, and asked her if I have no known allergies to food and never had rashes because of alcohol, could the rashes throughout my body be due to dirt or something. She said that it was probably heat rash and I should apply calmine lotion or get an antihistamine from the pharmacy. It is so cool to have a pharmacist friend who knows her stuff isn't it? =P

Anyway, it is amazing how much we sleep in Cambodia. By 9 p.m I think we were already fast asleep. Even though we didn't tour today, I still really enjoyed the road trip. And you know what? I bet I will still enjoy it as much as the first time if I do it again. *beams

Cambodia 2007 - Day 3

2007-12-29T02:28:00.001+08:00

Cambodia 2007

Day 3:

- Sunrise at Sras Srang

We got up early again for a sunrise at Sras Srang. It was serene and beautiful. There were hardly any tourists however there were many kids clamouring to ask us if we wanted to have coffee, breakfast or purchase postcards and scarfs. With the colour of the sky reflected in the water, the place had a mystical beauty. It was however dark and we didn't have any torchlight. The weirdest thing was....Gan actually did pack a torchlight, we just never thought to bring it everytime when we needed it.

I actually got rather annoyed at a point in time when trying to focus on the sunrise because the kids just wouldn't give up. They were overly friendly, like pushing bangles made onto our wrists. We tried to return it to them but they refused, telling us that it was a gift and that we needn't pay them. Gan and I thus felt obliged to have breakfast there. I asked for tea with milk and I got a weird concoction. I think they used green tea instead and the tea was cream with a hint of green. It tasted superbly sweet too. Somehow I don't think they drink milk tea over there because it wasn't even on the menu.

I was constantly pestered by a boy who wanted to sell me postcards. Initially he pestered Gan, however after I bought a scarf from this cute little girl who looked to be only 5 or 6 (I'm sure she is older) and after Gan got rid of him him giving him Oreos, he started to repeat for me to buy postcards...and he wouldn't stop. The locals were very friendly. However I am not altogether sure if they were friendly because it was a ploy to get us to buy something. I bought a pair of fishermen pants and when we left, a woman said that "You don't play fair, you know?!!" presumbably because we didn't get an item from everybody. I think an older girl also cried because I didn't get anything from her.

It was then I got the feeling that I was supposed to do charity and 'help' the Cambodians because I came from a more affluent country, never mind if I needed the items they were selling or not.

Initially I felt bad about not getting stuff and then it changed to being annoyed over being made to feel obliged to buy their items from them. Oh well......

- Banteay Srei

We headed to Banteay Srei next, one of my favourite temples. It is made of pink sandstone. When the morning light hits it, it gleams of rich warm browns and copper tones. The place is small (relative to Angkor Wat and Angkor Thom) but rather serene with the carvings still visible. When we went there, the place wasn't overcrowded with tourists, possibly because it was out of the way. We even napped on our tuk-tuk. However when we left, busloads of tourists were just beginning to arrive.

We bought a book each for about 7.50 USD. Considering that it was colour printed on good quality paper, it was quite worth it. However it was only later at Phnom Penh when we realised that we must have gotten a 'pirated' book.

Oh and we had some local food at some roadside stall. It looked really messy. It look like a tangled mess of white rice noodles or mifen in some beige colour soup. It tasted quite exotic and we were later informed that the bowl contains lotus and banana flowers. I actually had to force myself to finish it. The road-side stall located next to the dusty road was pretty unclean with flies flying around and sometimes landing on the plates and pots or even food. As you can well imagine, vehicles sometimes produces puffs of fine sand and dust. However logically speaking, a little inorganic dirt would not cause too great a harm to the body.

There was tea provided however I didn't dare drink any of it as cups were used only to be overturned for the next user. I wasn't that thirsty. From that, I knew they probably didn't really clean the utensils properly. Still that is quite all right. I am not usually so picky about the cleanliness of the eating place abroad. Quite gung-ho in fact. My stomach is quite strong after all the years of eating dinner only when I was ready to. So I sometimes only ate dinner that have been around for more than 6 or even 9 hours. I mean.. it is an experience right...=P

However even though I didn't feel like puking the food out, it was certainly a challenge to finish my bowl. We only had it because our tuk-tuk driver actually enthusiastically promoted the stall when we came out of Banteay Srei. He said he had two bowls. Frankly speaking the local fare didn't appeal because it just isn't what I am used to. It was definitely the exotic taste and how everything was cold, clammy and messy. One bowl of that messy noodle regardless of where it appears in, is quite enough. Thank you very much.

Anyway.. here are the pictures of one of my favourite temples.

Then it was back to the clusters of temples. I think we visited East Mebon, Ta Som, Neak Pean and Preah Khan. There were so many temples and I think we visited some of the minor ones that I simply cannot really classify anymore. Neak Pean was quiet and I am sure it must have looked very pretty in the past when the water filled the ponds.

at Neak Pean...

at Preak Khan...

Preah Khan was relative free from tourists too. People who came were mostly on their own or in small groups. The place was only recently discovered (in the nineties, if I am not wrong). Parts of it were in disarray with certan sections having already crumbled. There are plans to conserve and maintain the place but the ruined parts have already become part of its charm.

Walking alone in there,
time seemed to have stood still.
If I could read there forever,
I would,
until only all that is left around me was dust.

Well, we didn't know what to do after we finished with the temples so guess what.. we returned to the hostel to zzz again !! We ventured out late afternoon to explore a bit of the town, bought more silk scarves and had an early dinner ar Pub Street in a different restaurant that offers Apsara dancing. However we were too early and finished dinner and decided that we didn't want to wait.

town of Siem Reap...

Pub Street at night...

Reading while waiting for dinner to come....

We had a cup of tea at a cafe that called itself Bubble Tea Cafe or something like that before deciding to get a bottle of red wine at the convenience stall. Clumsy me actually broke a small bottle. Luckily it only costed only 1 USD.

Back in our room, Gan only drank like 1/4 and promptly declared that she had enough and was going to sleep. Since I felt that throwing it away would be too wasteful, I finished it. The world tilted from side to side when I finished. It felt like I was walking on a little sampan. However I managed to brush my teeth and packed the clothes that had dried while making space for those that hadn't.

Slumber definitely came easily. Even without the alcohol, our room was really easy to sleep in. =)

Cambodia 2007 - Day 2

2007-12-26T01:22:00.000+08:00

Cambodia 2007

Day 2:

- Sunrise at Angkor Wat

We got up around 4+ because our driver was scheduled to come at 5 a.m. It was a great feeling, taking the tuk-tuk. Heading to Angkor Wat under the cover of darkness, with the skies incredibly starry and the cool wind in my hair...I kept poking my head out to look at the skies, I lost my cap. It must have been as thus a few centuries ago with the same stars and Angkor Wat in the distance. The journey that morning will be etched in my heart forever, close always.

When we reached Angkor Wat, we had to make our way in the dark and we didn't have a torch again! So we depended on minimal lighting from the torchlights of other tourists. We didn't really know where to go and ended up following masses of dark shadows around. Finally, we reached a spot where most of the people settled for.

Angkor Wat is magnificent. One can scarely believe that it was built a few centuries before. The grandness of the buildings, the intricate carvings and how everything is so unique. I've read that at one glance the many asparas looked to be the same but in fact they are are all unique, different in their accessories or in the position of their hands...=)

The morning sun hitting the courtyard was also a sight to behold. What one sees is probably the exact same scene an observer standing in your place would have saw centuries earlier. Treading grounds that have seen the passage of time longer than our brief human lifespans is an incredible feeling. Touching the pillars, knowing that someone probably rested against it or have laid their hands on it just makes me feel that the long passage of time between us is but a moment's respite.

- Angkor Thom

I believe we went in through the South gate where there were rows of stone figures holding up the body of a naga (supposedly depicting the Churning of the Ocean of Milk). Gan was the one who brought the iconology to my attention and then after which, I saw them like almost everywhere...

It has its roots from the Hindu epic Bhagavata-Purana. The gods and demons churns the ocean of milk in order to obtain an elixir that will make them immortal. The gods and demons work together by pulling on a naga's (serpent) body.

It's really amazing how they managed to build all those massive monuments, isn't it? And I realised that the picture I took at the South gate of Angkor Thom would pass for a classic picture of a car advertisement.

Angkor Thom is not a temple but a city although there are ruins of shrines in the compound. Cambodia is definitely a hot place and the sun shines so brightly that I can really tan within two days. But I love it when the rays hit the ruins and puddles of light and shadows form...

We went to Bayon, within Angkor Thom first. It was a bit weird to see a balloon bearing the name of Tokyo University there. It totally didn't fit in with the decor. They were there to help to maintain and conserve the ruins. There were signages to explain what they were doing, the problems faced and the progress so far. An example I remembered was how sand was used to mould the blocks so that they fitted exactly but due to the nature of the stones, water has eroded them such that they no longer fitted exactly like before and have become fairly unstable.

As with maintaining historic sites, there is always the factor of authencity. It is not possible to remove and rebuilt everything for then the heritage would be lost. In trying to limit the replacements of stones (they also had to find matching stones) as well as having to work with the ancient design and workmanship and environmental erosion part of the authencity, one can imagine the difficulties that they face are of great consequence.

There were also many large faces and some of them were seen in temples later on too. I love this picture with the face catching the warmth of the sun because along with the aged stones that has transcend the centuries, comes with life on it that seemed sort of symbolic to me. It was totally apt that life should be there along with the ruins that have already weathered the elements over time.

Angkor Thom is big. In fact we headed to the Baphuon and I think Gan didn't want to go up. We wandered for some more before we got really quite tired. Not tired of taking in everything but our legs simply couldn't carry us in the fierce heat anymore.

In the grounds of the Royal Palace, I replaced the cap I lost with an extremely wide-brimmed hot pink hat. I do wish there was a better colour but given a choice between hot pink, a trashy red one that says New York and one with *ahem flower printed motifs, I chose the hot pink. I was pleased that it cost only 2 USD. I bargained of course. I can't remember what the seller quoted me. I was eager for the wide-brimmed hat just not in that colour and started to walk off before the seller called for me and agreed to sell.

Had to really wash it when I got back of course. But given the huge brim that totally cover my face, I probably will bring that pink hat with me on hot holiday trips.

Gan and I then flopped down under shade to sit, relax and take in the surroundings. We really couldn't walk anymore and it was not even noon yet.

We headed back to our tuk-tuk and he drove us to the North Kleangs that I noticed not too far off but was reluctant to walk to. I just wanted to see how they look like at close range. After which we left by one of the gates and headed to the next temple.

After which, we went to a series of temples, some were like little ruins hidden away in the jungle, others were the ancient version of skyscrapers that we needed to climb up to. There were still others that were fighting not to crumble under enormous roots of trees.

Here's a short video of what we saw when we sat and stare. We jus sat quietly, watching the leaves fall when the wind came rustling...

After which we headed back to the hostel around 3+ to...sleep again. Hah. We decided not to go and watch any sunsets after our tuk-tuk driver charged us extra. We woke up in the evening and headed to the Soup Dragon in Pub Street to eat our dinner. It really is quite a nice place and we had seats on the second floor. Across the street, there was a projection of Spiderman 3 on a big screen so we could watch if we wanted. I mostly read and wine was cheap. It was around 10 USD for less or a bottle and we finished our wine there and then.

We walked back...bathed and then finally climbed into bed around 10 or 11 pm.

Cambodia 2007 - Day 1

2007-12-25T18:43:00.001+08:00

We took the last train to the airport and sat there waiting for about 6 hours before taking the 6 a.m. plane to Siem Reap, Cambodia.

Siem Reap

Day 1:

- Silkworm farm

silk worms...

they are ready to be left alone to spin when they turn yellow

coccoons

extracting the fine silk

After they are dyed, they are spun into smaller bobbins for weaving.

The silk farm utilises traditional methods and instruments were crude. To extract the raw silk, workers would just throw silk coccoons in a bowl of hot water and patted the coccoons using a wooden U-shaped paddle. The fibres when passed through the narrow crevice would then be spun into a thread of raw silk.

They separate the raw sillk (outer layer of the coccoon) from the fine silk (inner layer of the coccoon) by looking at the colour. When all the raw silk have been extracted, the coccoon will be very yellow and the texture will be different. That is when the extraction of fine silk begins.

The silk threads are dyed with bark or various other organic material to achieve the colour that they want. However the colours are all so vibrant that the threads don't look as if they have been dyed with mere bark or grasses.

The fabrics are hand-woven and it is definitely a complicated process. It can take them 3 to 5 days to finish weaving one piece of fabric depending on how intricate the design is. However, hand-woven silk scarves (cheapest in SR) can be bought so cheaply there (2 for 5USD), it makes me wonder how do we attach the prices to labour..

- West Baray

I didn't take much pictures at the West Baray because it was noon and freaking hot. The picture is a river leading from the Baray. The lake is much bigger and it even has an island. The place has not much shade and many stalls with not much tourists, probably because we went at noon. However, there were still people taking boat rides and playing with the water. Gan and I got good deals for our silk scarves and fisherman pants. I think if it was cooler, it would be a good place to just sit and look at the sky.

(courtesy of half of Gan's stitched picture)

- War museum

Somehow I feel that we got duped into visiting the War museum. I guess we thought that it was about the wars in Cambodia and all. It was actually just a big compound showcasing old war equipment.

Ok, I wasn't really sure if there were land mines there or they just put up the signs to be funny. However I was careful not to step there and took a calculated risk in putting Evil on the signs. Maybe only guys will be interested in old war machinery, detailing when they were manufactured and destroyed. It was interesting no doubt but I wouldn't pay 3 USD (if i didn't remember wrongly for the admission.

Reaching for a gun...

It was only till later on then I came across a sign
that we are not supposed to help ourselves to them..=P

The gun was superbly heavy, it was a wonder people could aim with them...

An old helicopter outside the compound.

- Wat Thmei

The driver asked if we wanted to visit the Killing Fields and we agreed. However, it is not similar to the one in Phnom Penh. It does have a monument that consists of bones but it is located within the grounds of a temple to commenmerate the mass graves that was near Siem Reap. The temple murals were interesting. However without a guide or signage to explain, we felt quite.. well lost there. The place was also quite quiet with only a few pockets of Korean tourists with their guide on a short trip there.

We then went back to the hostel to rest because it was so hot and sunset was still far off. We napped before trudging down to an oily dinner at a nearby eatery and boarded our tuk-tuk at 4.30 pm. Portions are usually generous and oily. We orderd a platter of fried dumplings and there were puddles of oil on the plate. On occasion, oil would drip from the dumpling and not to say the least, there was a layer of oil on the sauce of vinegar when we were done.

The driver drove us to get temple pass. It was 20 USD for a day and the cost was proportional to the number of days you require at least up till 3 days (I didn't bother to look at the cost of temple passes for a week). We bought a 2 day pass. However the start selling at 5 pm or 5.30 and the thing kicks in then so a 2 day pass is good for 2 days plus an extra sunset. We had to linger around and wait along with everybody else for them to start selling. They needed a photo go with the temple passes previously but now with technology advances, they have upgraded to using web-cams to take still grainy shots. It takes a while before the big floppy laminated paper pops out with your picture but otherwise its not too bad a wait...

-Sunset at Phnom Bakheng

the world at Phnom Bakheng

The sunset was nice but the place was choked full of people. It was quite a walk up and since by the time we got there it was already sunset, we didn't get down until the sun had almost set. It was quite a feat trying to navigate the rocky road in semi-darkness and we had to be careful lest we slip on a loose rock and turn an ankle on the first day of our trip. An advice is to bring a torchlight if you are planning to stay late. The ruins does offers a different sort of charm in twlight.

We asked our ever-friendly tuk-tuk driver to bring us shopping so we could buy washing powder to wash our dusty clothes. I swear that if Gan had given me a hard pat on the back, she would see a cloud of dust form.

We also went to the night market to walk and I got silk scarves and a painting of Angkor Wat. We then headed back to the hostel to wash our clothes and rest. Gan was vastly amused by 'Mythbusters' on Discovery telly. In fact, come to think of it, she was very amused by the telly in the entire trip in Cambodia. Her excuse was that she doesn't watch telly in Singapore. I think on one occassion in Phnom Penh, I started blinking at her, appalled when she flipped the channel to TCS 8 showing the drama starring Li Jingmei and Edmund Chen..because it was easy to watch. I think the title was Birds of Paradise (which I also believe to have ended its run before we reached Cambodia.

*shakes head...............anyway then its off to bed with us...

Incidentally I was quite pleased with our guesthostel, recommended by YJ's friend. Our room was quite big and airy and had clean white sheets and white tiled floor. The fridge, the television, well everything worked fine. We actually took our shoes off in our room. The toilet was also reasonably clean and had hot water. The guesthouse was a tad spartan but for 10 USD a night for the both of us, it was good enough. Oh and they clean your room everyday. =)

It's just one or two streets away from Pub Street (the 'happening' eatery place). If anybody is interested, the guesthouse is Seng KY guesthouse (or something like that)

Tel: (855) 63 964 034
H/p: (855) 12 630 943
Address: #15 , Sivatha street ,close to OLD MARKET, next door to Carnets d'Asie.

a 2007 December afternoon...

2007-12-09T21:26:00.001+08:00

Spent Friday afternoon with an ex-colleague lunching, shopping and we had a late tea. Said friend mentioned that nobody is interested in C.lit. Nobody cares. I said that I do.

Why do people not care anymore?

Said friend then talked about C.lit. I listened.

As time goes by, we out-grow so much and when Barbie dolls and Hotwheels no longer give us that sweet pleasure of hearty laughter, I think all that's left for me to try to hold on to replicate that pleasure is the little moments when I savour the beauty of art or having sunshine on my face or like when I listen to a story as an example of why someone would enjoy C.lit. I understand them as much as I really understood Barbie dolls and Hotwheels cars when I was little....they just make me happy.

It was a lovely afternoon. =)

the void has to get filled

2007-11-28T23:51:00.001+08:00

I've finished watching the 神雕侠侣 DVD in about 2.5 days. (Thanks Uncle)

I've spray-painted the bookcase to a nice blue finish.

I've finish a book.

I'm wasting my life away.

I should be doing my music theory, tiding up my room, organising the stuff in the computer, etc...and I've been rotting.

I looked at my organiser today. I didn't have as many free days as I thought I had. Such is the beauty of an organiser that opens up to a monthly page. I see all the events and the stuff that I have to do. Take away the days that I will be in Cambodia, the Saturdays that are burnt from practicising and the two to three days prior to the concerts for practice, the concert days themselves and the GESL stuff and event.....plus with Jac being back after X'mas for 10 exclusive days only, it means that the days after X'mas will mostly likely be left for catching up with her.

Before I know it, the month will fly by pretty past, as always.

If I am not wrong, my 'nua-ing' period is limited to the days before the Cambodia trip.

And people shouldn't envy teachers having the school holidays off. I mean.. family will ask you to help out with errands or to help tidy the house....as we all know in Singapore, items are not removed from the job scope, they merely get replaced. It is in accordance to the laws of Physics. There will always be a force that tries to fill in a void.

Oh well...but on the bright side, I don't have to work as hard as any 'maid' that the family hires because I'm not paid..haha..I just have to make sure that the place is reasonably neat.

my tears ran into a hidden crevice

2007-11-17T02:20:00.001+08:00

I was told something I didn't quite understand. I could not comprehend the seriousness. Now I do. If over 90% can survive for more than ten years, what happens to the next ten years after? Do the statistic drop drastically after that? Some say that 90% can go on to live a normal lifespan. Does it imply an average lifespan of healthy individuals? When it comes to numbers on paper, where is our individual placing? Somehow I didn't cry but I don't know why my heart feels heavier than it has ever been.

Quelquelfois, comme aujourd'hui, je crois que la vie est rien que la tristesse.

Illogical rigidity is pure stupidity

2007-11-05T01:38:00.000+08:00

I haven't been online much the past week. My modem died last Saturday. My computer didn't start last Sunday. I had 2 major deadlines last Monday.

The stress level peaked on Sunday and when I realised the computer couldn't start up, I sat down to cry.

I called a course-mate and tried to sound calm and composed while trying to find out what would happen if I fail to meet the deadlines. It was more than not being punctual about handing in homework. I was worried that I would fail as a result and would have to retake the modules and end up having to stay back one more semester. As MOE has really strict guidelines governing the stint at NIE, I was convinced that I would have to fork out quite a bit of money just because the computer chose to screw up on the weekend before I was to hand in the work.

It was unbelievably bad luck. It sounds like something from a script from those horrid Taiwanese never-ending family soap operas.

And so fellow course-mate told me to call the tutors to explain and ask for an extension of the deadlines. While I was considering this move, something within me roared to life and I felt a determined rage overcome me. I ran out of the house in search of a PC repair shop. After I found one, I got the brother to lug the CPU there and believe it or not, it started to drizzle.

I pleaded with the repairman and he agreed to work OT for me. The repairs cost $343.

Sigh.

Three hours later at 8 p.m, the computer finally worked albeit without a connection. I worked a few hours more and heaved a sigh of relief when I printed the stuff. I went to sleep and woke up early for the 8.30 class.

And I also gave the technical helpdesk of Singnet hell.

I was very very annoyed when the modem couldn't work and the system was so rigid, it was ridiculous.

First of all, when the modem failed on Saturday night, I called Singtel to get the Singnet helpdesk number. I was required to key in my Broadband number and the system failed to recognise it. I thought I made a mistake and called Singtel again who promptly told me to dial 1610 for Singnet sales inquiry to get the Broadband number.

For your infomation, 1610 only operates until 6 pm.

I called Singtel again and asked nicely to be transferred to Singnet technical helpdesk straight. The operator said she couldn't and gave me the number to dial again. Exasperated, I rose my voice a notch and firmly explained why I needed her to connect me to Singnet technical helpdesk. I clarified that the Broadband number was my house number and then told her that the [bloody] system didn't recognise my Broadband number !! There was no way I could get though.

In the end she made me hold, probably to consult her superior and in the end her superior came to the phone, I had to explain again and he agreed to connect me to the Singnet helpdesk.

When I finally got through, I explained my problem very nicely again and I was told to perform a series of troubleshooting before calling back. I informed the operator that the system didn't recognise my Broadband number and he told me it was impossible. If I couldn't get through, I should just press any 8-digit house number and should be able to get through.

When I tried that, it didn't work.

Fantastic.

And bear in mind, with all these, I had to hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold and hold !!!

In the end I called Singtel and asked to be put through to Singnet again. I mean I was really sorry for having to bother them but.. yeah...the whole system is really quite screwed.

And the conclusion Singnet technical helpdesk was that the fault could lie with the line on my side, the modem or the line on their side. And then the man proceeded to inform me that they can only schedule a check on Tuesday.

I told him I have deadlines on Monday to meet.

He said that there isn't enough manpower.

I asked if he could check the line on his side.

He said no. The people will only check it before they come down on Tuesday.

I was starting to get infuriated.

And then I engulfed him in a verbal wave. I told him that the way I understand it was that there are 3 causes to the problem.

1. connection on my side
2. modem
3. connection on their side

I have been on the line almost 2 hours because I couldn't get through due to their so-called system not recognising my Broadband number. I had to call Singtel to transfer me over twice even though they had reassured earlier I shouldn't have any problems getting though and when I finally could get though, they are telling me that they cannot help me?!

It's ridiculous.

The man started to tell me that he was helping me. I told him that I have deadlines to meet on Monday and since they are only coming down on Tuesday and in a sense not doing anything for me....NOPE, they are not helping me !! I mean the system didn't even recognise my Broadband number. He told me that it was a different system.

I told him that if they have no manpower to come down and check my line and I have to wait 3 days, I can possibly maybe probably accept that explanation even though I think it is ridiculous. It's Singnet for goodness sake. Why do I have to wait 3 days to get my line checked? It's so inefficient!!! It says a lot about their service. Pui !!!

If it is my modem I can solve the problem myself but there is no way I can check if the line is working fine over there. Can't they simply conduct a check for me.

He said "No..because it has to go through the system and they can only do it before the man comes on Tuesday."

Why is the system so rigid?!! There has to be people behind the system.

His only defence was that, "It's the system..."

Why am coming up with alternatives for them? Why am I doing their work for them?!!

And so I told him that there have to be people behind the system. Can't he just call that department to do a check?

Nope, they can't.

I was boiling then already.

I told him I wanted to speak to someone who can make decisions. I wanted to speak to his supervisor. He told me that his supervisor wasn't in. I said, "Fine...can you get him to call me tomorrow?"

He told me that it would still be the same because everything has to go through the system. I think any more talk about the system I will just explode. I told him I just want someone who can make decisions to call me tomorrow morning. Will I get a call tomorrow? He said, "Yes" so I said "Ok" and hung up.

The next morning, someone called at 9+ a.m to inform me that they will be sending someone down at 11 a.m.

I mean I thought of you, Gan and I was trying to be calm and firm. But....if a system is so rigid that it results in inefficiency, there is seriously something wrong with the system.

I am a logical rational consumer. I do understand if it is a peak season and a company has to take 3 days to schedule a line check. I did not demand that they come the next day (even though I still think it is ridiculous for a mega-conglomerate to not employ enough workers to sustain efficiency) but I do not understand why they cannot just do a check on the connection on their side.

I mean how difficult can it be to check the connection on their side? They do not even need to get out of a chair, ok maybe it takes an additional few calls here and there. The way I envision it is probably they have to justify why they are checking the connection which is not part of a normal procedure. They can put the reason down to a rabid consumer, I do not care. Even if it is part of a code, they should be able to get past the computer system.

The point is...IT CAN BE DONE !!!

Why do people have to let such rules dictate whatever they do?

*grrr
stupid rigid people

no connection

2007-11-01T10:14:00.001+08:00

The modem is spoilt. No home connection for this week. Shall leave the massive complaining to after I've got the connection reinstated.

That's all for now.

Wherein I pass my driving test the first time round !!!

2007-10-19T02:13:00.001+08:00

Amongst the more exciting things that have happened since the concerts that I've attended weeks ago, I've been sick and I've passed my driving FIRST-TIME round.

I didn't go to see a doctor until I was almost recovered. I had a horrible throat infection you see. The doctor prescribed antibiotics, flu medicine and cough syrup. I got a nasal spray for my allergies (FINALLY). Doctors I've seen before told me that I didn't have asthma and only were prepared to give me pills for runny nose or the breathing difficulties I sometimes experienced. They say that my breathing passages constrict but not excessively enough to deem it as asthma. They always asked for me to monitor my situation.......BLEAH

I finally got it this time and it was quite expensive, costing $25. The whole trip to the doctor cost me $50+. Super painful for me since I am trying to defray costs. However it seems that every month I must experience unexpected one-time-off events that have nothing to do with food, transport or even the spending allowance I set aside.

I over-spend every month.

OUCH !!

Oh of course the driving licence is another 50 bucks this month and it is barely one week after pay day.

Sigh.....sometimes I wonder why money just disappear so fast.

Of course on driving. I was exceedingly grateful that I got through the first time. I wasn't nervous, in fact I was as calm as I could be. I have more skirts and shorts than jeans, what to mix and match? In fact having heard how the gentle half of the population got through by wearing mini-skirts, I wonder if I should just wear whatever I want and look good so that I will feel good. Almost immediately, the idea was trashed in favour of more practical clothing. it was a dilemma between looking good and getting a confidence boost or comfort for practical purposes. I calmly reasoned that the more comfortable I am, the better I would be at presenting my driving skills which should be exhibited. I was somewhat feeling quite secured.

Everything went quite smoothly during the trial except for tagging too closely and failing to check blind spots etc...

During the test.....

I struck the kerb once during vertical parking and I failed to park a straight car into the lot even after the tester gave me another shot at it. I was going.. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit" in my head because I couldn't tell if I had mounted or struck the kerb. If I had mounted the kerb, it would be an immediate failure and I thought I felt the car go up....

The tester gave rapid instructions and kept reiterating his instructions when I fail to respond within 2 seconds. He would say turn left and then turn right and then if within 2 seconds the car that had veered left had not veer right, he would repeat for the car to turn right.

Believe me ......if it was anybody else issuing orders in that tone, I would have smacked him.

Oh then my car stalled in the feeder lane.

I went "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit" again in my head but I took heart in the fact that he cannot fail nor give me demerit points for the stalling of the engine.

Everything else went quite all right.

The tester followed me after we got out of the car to the briefing room. I was quite strickened because I still didn't know if I had mounted that kerb !!! He refused to say anything and I was too in fear of him to ask. He seemed quite unfriendly.

And then after we sat at the table in a little booth for him to brief me, he started off telling me that I have struck the kerb. I was pursing my lips the whole of the test after the vertical parking segment and I gave him a woebegone face but I heaved a sigh of relief within. He then proceeded to inform me that my engine had stalled.

I bit my lips. He asked me if I knew where it had stalled. Being treated like an errant child, I couldn't help acting like an errant child. "Errr...erm...outside the school...er...the filter lane there..."

"Why did it stall?!!"

"err...let go of the clutch too soon?" I offered in a small voice.

He turned his attention to the evaluation paper and calculated the marks. When he wrote a brisk 16. I couldn't help but broke into a smile. He asked if it was my first driving test and I said yes.

He signed the paper and said, "Ok lah.. driving not too bad..proceed to the first floor"

I couldn't contain my excitement and before I left, I thought I saw a hint of a smile tugging at his stern lips.

Chups - passed driving the first time round !!

The same as the father and the cousin-uncle. It runs in the family !!

Of course the father still doesn't know I've got my licence, though the mother knows.

Now...to indulge in more interesting activities closer to the heart!!

Concerts and Music

2007-10-13T00:47:00.001+08:00

(SUPER BACKDATED)

上个星期......陈绮贞
这个星期......巫启贤
下个星期......张震岳

Cheer Chen:

Initially I was disappointed at the simplicity of Cheer's concert. It had a relatively small audience. $80 seemed too steep a price to pay. However as the night went on, her music gave me a certain peace that I haven't experienced in a while. Cheer's concert was surreal. I loved her music and her 'indie' music worked the crowd. People stood up and sang along with her. I stood on the chair. The amazing thing was because everything was so simple. No fanciful stage elements, no charismatic talk to work the crowd, just her continual singing for two and a half hours.

Plus a five time encore.

It was the first concert I've been to where the singer came out to give an encore after the lights came on. Nobody wanted to leave nor did I want an end to the night. I've always known I have an unexplicable love for her music and that night the love, together with the inability to reason that love, deepened. The end of the concert filled me with a tinge of sorrow. Her music calls out to me, despite my recognition that her music is not pretty nor fanciful. I know why I like certain music and how I could see them and feel them, like the wind, like the tinkling drops of the rain, like brilliant summer days or gentle warm sunsets. I know why I like colourful music or simple monochrome ones, why I like swinging bossa nova ones or discordants ones, why I like decorum classicals or oriental Chinese music. Yet sometimes, I cannot understand Cheer's songs. I cannot translate it through any of my senses. Her music are like pieces of white paper that I do not understand and sometimes I think it is the unknown that draws me so closely.

Her songs are imbudded with quiet strength, like wildflowers that nobody recognises nor adore yet like wildflowers which dots the valleys and brings life, sometimes I think that her songs are life itself; inexplicable, mysterious, filled with inner courage and strength that transcends beyond words.

Sometimes, I just wish I could allow myself more respite and remain in another dimension, not having to face up to reality.

I didn't want her concert to end.

巫启贤

To tell the truth, I had second thoughts about attending the concert. It was so far away.. at the other end of the island and KH had organised a trip to a fish farm owned by the father of a member for a belated mid-autumn celebration and word has it that it would be gone soon as they are going to have to move.

Such a dilemma.

In the end I decided to attend after all.

I thought the turnout would be average. I asked Nana how many tickets were left and she said 100. Next I asked about the seating capacity and I was told it was about 5000. I was stunned. And to think I was wondering if I should regret my decision.

I met Nana and her teacher Peter 老师 and it was my second time meeting him after the movie premier of 881 in July. It was pretty sweet that he remembered me. I guess because he is related to the entertainment industry and all and he must see lots of people very frequently so I didn't expect him to remember people he cross path every now and then.

Our seats were good. Centre block, middle of the third row. Mr Liang Wen Fu sat two rows directly in front of me. Li Fei Hui sat at the other end of the second row. His family and close friends took up the first two rows and Eric Moo's brother was a hunk !!!

After the concert, I could see girls actually rushing to take pictures with him.

Eric Moo's concert brought back a lot of memories. I was very moved as I listened to the old songs and we sang and sang. At certain points in time, I actually put a hand to my heart because I remembered the past so vividly and I was so moved as the scenes came to me one after another.

While we listened, while we sang, I caught the eye of a woman sitting diagonally in front of me. Her daughter slept in her lap. It was a very special moment when we held each other's gaze and we smiled.

Music is just so strong.....in bonding people, in evoking shared memories of the good old days. It doesn't matter what kind of memories you had. The past...it means the same to all of us.

Anyway I think the family and friends took notice of us because we were so exuberant, not to mention, young. When Eric Moo said to give him 30 seconds to prepare, we counted down. People in front turned back to look at us and laughed. We sang along. We cheered, shrieked, clapped and shouted for encore.

There was even an auntie who claimed she was part of Eric Moo's clan in Taiwan and asked for our numbers. Nana and I looked at each other and she hurriedly said that our emails will do fine too...In the end we gave her our emails, not that she has contacted us anyway... haha

After people didn't leave and continued to crowd around the front despite how the packing of the instruments have already started.... and the lights were all switched on...and Eric Moo finally came out in T-shirts, bermudas and sport shoes...having already changed out.

I think he intended to just thank the crowd for our enthusiasm but someone passed him a microphone and there was an uproar from the crowd upon seeing the microphone in his hands.

In the end he gave an encore with only his voice.

I gave Nana a hug and thanked her for letting me go with her. I love music so much that I am always extremely grateful to Nana for remembering that.

On the way out, his CD's were sold out and then someone passed me a poster of him.

It was an emotionally fulfilling night.

张震岳

Initially, the concert wasn't impressive. In fact it was almost disappointing. The first few songs that he started with seemed to sound better on CD.

And the crowd was weird. Somebody brought posters with the chinese character 站 (stand) and eventually everybody stood. The crowd was like so dead and it was the first time I've seen someone actually succeed in working a dead crowd and the result was a robotic crowd.

Don't get me wrong. I have no doubt that everybody enjoyed the concert, they were just so passive that even after being made to somewhat display enthusiasm, passive enthusiasm is the result.

I remembered the last time 张震岳 came with MC Hotdogs, they were good ! Ok, he gradually sounded better. I guess it was due to the nature of the newer songs which sound better with simple acoustic guitars, and the simplicity of the event didn't allow for too much back-up.

The new songs were good and it's strange but Zhang Zhen Yue and Cheer always seemed like the voice of Taiwan more like anybody elses'.

The general feeling of Zhang Zhen Yue I get is images of long winding mountain roads with the sun brilliant and the wind blowing through my hair.

It feels as though I should even swagger a bit when listening to him.

I like him because I like his songs.

I like his songs because I could see character and mayhap a bit if 'thumbing up' in them. I like his songs because of the edge to his songs.

I bought his CD and got it autographed !! *beams

I am uber happy !!

Thanks Uncle for being so gracious to allow little me to go wih him........

Ok that's the end of my being sweet.. PUI PUI !!

Luckily Uncle got me to bring him to the venue plus I provided entertainment lor. I lost count of the number of times I suffered from his malicious attacks for self-entertainment ...*sobs...

.
.
.

I really really love music.

I love the way it can resonate through my entire being and the centre of my chest, the place next to my heart vibrates. It becomes music that I can actually physically feel.

Sometimes the hunger gets so bad like now that I don't know what to do with it. Only then I will realise that my need for it is so intense. Music in all shape and form makes me feel so much, I can liken it to experiencing the awe of seeing a painting like the Mona Lisa for the first time, each and every time and I really crave it.

I cannot live without music.

If you ask me, would I choose sight or hearing, I would choose sight. Because I would not know how to function if I am blind. I would rather be dead than to be without pride.

But if you ask me, would I choose to see without colour or hear without music, I would choose to see live in a monochrome world. Because even if I am able to hear, I would not be whole without music.

..and then....there is still tons of unfinished theory homework... (>.<)

旅行的意义

2007-09-14T06:24:00.000+08:00

Cheer has a song:

旅行的意义 - 陈绮贞

你看过了许多美景
你看过了许多美女
你迷失在地图上
每一道短暂的光阴

你品尝了夜的巴黎
你踏过下雪的北京
你熟记书本里
每一句你最爱的真理
却说不出你爱我的原因
却说不出你欣赏我哪一种表情
却说不出在什么场合我曾让你动心
说不出离开的原因

你累计了许多飞行
你用心挑选纪念品
你收集了地图上
每一次的风和日丽
你拥抱热情的岛屿
你埋葬记忆的土耳其
你流连电影里美丽的不真实的场景
却说不出什么在场合
我曾让你分心
说不出旅行的意义

你勉强说出你爱我的原因
却说不出你欣赏我哪一种表情
却说不出在什么场合我曾让你分心
说不出离开的原因
勉强说出你为我寄出的每一封信
都是你离开的原因
你离开我
就是旅行的意义

I love travelling.

I used to ask myself why.

Why do I always feel compelled to travel? It is as though every country is a stranger with a story to tell and I had to hear it all.

After I return, I sit on my bed, close my eyes, hug my knees and try to savour the various experiences one last time. That act is always so amazing. I feel as if the travelling had taken a part of me and changed me somehow.

Travelling always gives me the poignant reminder of how fleeting life is.

It's strange how the idea of travelling always brings about a heavy-sweet feeling. Granted that anticipation and excitement along with happiness is always mixed in, the dominant feeling of it all is always that heavy-pleasant feeling I have residing in my chest.

Sometimes, I think I want to travel so badly because of all those that was and can never be again. The father says it is because I read so much when I was young, I have romanticised it all. I add the colours in my head and heightened the attractiveness of it all.

Perhaps.

Perhaps the history and the glorified past have left their indelible mark on me when I buried my nose in mythology, fables and deeds of the past. Memories are more often than not enhanced in vibrant colours and leave the present faded in comparison.

I just have to walk on cobbled streets.
I just have to spend a while to watch a artist paint.
I am drawn to rickety trains just like how I like long bus rides.
Sometimes they can even make me feel like crying.

I like sitting at a cafe in a foreign country watching the world go by.

I like looking up into starry skies and getting lost in the moment before the ache in my neck forces me back to reality.

In a foreign country, I remembered sitting alone in a kitchen, nursing a cup of tea, staring at a puddle of sunlight on the floor. The beam from the sun brought so much life, I wriggled my toes and it brought an acute awareness of how alive I was.

Strangely, that was one of the strongest memory I have of that place and country.

熟记书本里每一句最爱的真理
却说不出旅行的意义, 是否因为我迷失在地图上每一道短暂的光阴

Cambodia.

2007-09-01T22:26:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is Teacher's Day.

My first year of teaching and I spent it on work.

My old lappy has been giving me problems. First the USB incident then when it proved to be a false alarm, the keyboard didn't work. After I got an external keyboard, the keyboard worked again. Now it is just choked full with spyware.

Sigh. I wonder why I bother.

On trying to format the horrible lappy, I rummaged through tons of CDs and found everything except the installation CD for Toshiba that I needed. I found a few of my favourite CDs and put on one Bossa Nova CD. I remembered it as 'swinging' and romantic yet it just sounded tired and melancholy as if the songs had to play because they were in bondage. That thought struck me as horribly wrong. Just like what everybody predicted, I am starting to feel drained, as in I can feel the glooms approaching. The funniest thing is, I am not working terribly hard.

I guess its just one of those periods where after the senses get over stimulated, I just want some time to myself, a little enclosed room in the mind with no doors and windows with me, myself and I.

I've taken to reading again. After a few failures with ~~Steven~~ Stephen King, I've decided to give him another shot and borrowed a few books that have been adapted to movies; 'Carrie' and 'Misery'. Suprisingly, they were all right. I managed to get through the first few chapters and continue. It's been barely a week, I am on his third book already. He might be a bad choice for materials before the onset of gloom but if the shoe fits....

I think I'm giving so much energy when in the company of people that I am not radiating any energy when I am by myself. With the lowering of energy levels, I am reducing the amount of time I spent with people or at least feel reluctant when I have to.

I don't feel like orchestra, I don't feel like big gatherings. A small group or individuals is preferable with the inclination towards spending time with myself only.

Non-existent Fridays

2007-08-02T00:02:00.001+08:00

It turns out that I didn't have such a good timetable after all.

1 Math module
= 7 hours of maths / week
= going to school for 4 out of 5 days

Friday I will need to go back for 2 hours from 230 pm to 430 pm, effectively killing my entire day. Taking into account the time required for travelling to and fro BL interchange alone, 2 pm to 5 pm are blocked out. The prime time of the day.

City life starts at 11 am. I won't be able to go anywhere in the morning (unless I rush) and NIE only took 2 hours of afternoon. It hardly does the travelling and wasting of the day any justice.

I would have to combat the traffic should I want to go anywhere in the evenings simply because I will be in some forsaken part of Singapore where occasionally one can hear the BOOMS of military practice.

Because it's so remote and far away from the maddening crowd.

I think I am about to languish away in depression.

If there is nothing more than I hate, it's being inefficient in time management, being utterly useless, wasting it away and having to settle for some other less exciting stuff.

Guess I am whining too much.

It's just........I rather not do anything at all or to be horribly busy but having the prime of my life taken away from me is well...frustrating.

Not given a choice.

And yes.... I do realise that I have so little to whine about that things like ruining my Fridays rankles me to the core.

Guess the only thing I can do on Fridays is.............Brewerks then. (Friday movies are far too expensive)

Sigh.

And I know people are dying around me but... a girl gotta have something to be sore about right.